Apparently the universe decided that we "needed" beta hell and most likely a chemical/ectopic pregnancy.
Beta #1: 28
Beta #2: 38
Beta #3: Monday - yes, that's right. CC.RM has requested that I stay on the meds until Monday and restest. Do they think I live in a cave? I know statistically what these numbers mean, but I think this is just their policy until the beta starts going down.
In our minds, this is obviously a BFN. Closure - we've decided that without the help from CC.RM. Game over. We ain't playin' again.
I'm surprised by how I feel today (I can't say the same for the last couple). Somewhat content. Ready to move on and plan the summer and beyond. I think because I realize that where we are today is exactly where I expected to be...I never had a ton of hope about this cycle. That changed a little when we saw the embryo hatching, but if I am really true to myself, there wasn't much hope prior to that time. We really thought of going through this FET as "checking the box" so that we could start the adoption process. And here we sit - box checked. In the last few days we have been forced again to really evaluate what we did this all for - for us, being parents has been about 90% of the reason and there are many amazing ways to be parents.
There was a little "hiccup" (for lack of a better word) in the middle of all this, even before the 29 beta. I started testing positive on those EVIL sticks 3 days prior to the beta. Whenever I heard people call them evil, I always thought they were evil because of false negatives. Well, folks, I am an example of a false positive. I mean, I know that technically if the HCG in your blood is above 5 or so, you are "pregnant"...but not really....not until that beta doubles. I'm not trying to put a dark cloud over anyone's positive pee stick, but I now understand why they say "DON'T TEST!" with IVF.
I've read that over 80% of women in child-bearing years will experience a chemical pregnancy, but a vast majority will never know about it. They will just get their period a day or two late and it might be a little heavy - that lovely ignorant bliss that we IFer's don't have the luxury of experiencing. For us, that "ignorant bliss" is replaced by fortunes spent in pee sticks, several days of being poked, and hours sitting by the phone waiting to hear that "magic number".
Gosh - I feel like I have so much to write - next steps, big summer travel plans, how lucky I feel to be married to my husband right now (you notice how I say "right now"...I am very aware of the nature of marriage ;-)) - but I'll save it for another post. I know this is a lot to digest considering our somewhat secretive nature about it all.
ADDITION: I guess I can now mention that I had the chance to meet Phoebe from Tales of the Phoenix while out in Colorado...it was so great to meet a fellow blogger in real life. As you may know, our FETs were one day apart. It was a such a comfort for me to have a cycle bud. Hey - brainstorm - clinics should really arrange "cycle buddies". Wouldn't that be great? Anyway, I had hoped we would be on the same side of the fence...we are...just the WRONG side :-(.
1 week ago