Saturday, April 4, 2009

79- Self-imposed closure...

Apparently the universe decided that we "needed" beta hell and most likely a chemical/ectopic pregnancy.

Beta #1: 28
Beta #2: 38
Beta #3: Monday - yes, that's right. CC.RM has requested that I stay on the meds until Monday and restest. Do they think I live in a cave? I know statistically what these numbers mean, but I think this is just their policy until the beta starts going down.

In our minds, this is obviously a BFN. Closure - we've decided that without the help from CC.RM. Game over. We ain't playin' again.

I'm surprised by how I feel today (I can't say the same for the last couple). Somewhat content. Ready to move on and plan the summer and beyond. I think because I realize that where we are today is exactly where I expected to be...I never had a ton of hope about this cycle. That changed a little when we saw the embryo hatching, but if I am really true to myself, there wasn't much hope prior to that time. We really thought of going through this FET as "checking the box" so that we could start the adoption process. And here we sit - box checked. In the last few days we have been forced again to really evaluate what we did this all for - for us, being parents has been about 90% of the reason and there are many amazing ways to be parents.

There was a little "hiccup" (for lack of a better word) in the middle of all this, even before the 29 beta. I started testing positive on those EVIL sticks 3 days prior to the beta. Whenever I heard people call them evil, I always thought they were evil because of false negatives. Well, folks, I am an example of a false positive. I mean, I know that technically if the HCG in your blood is above 5 or so, you are "pregnant"...but not really....not until that beta doubles. I'm not trying to put a dark cloud over anyone's positive pee stick, but I now understand why they say "DON'T TEST!" with IVF.

I've read that over 80% of women in child-bearing years will experience a chemical pregnancy, but a vast majority will never know about it. They will just get their period a day or two late and it might be a little heavy - that lovely ignorant bliss that we IFer's don't have the luxury of experiencing. For us, that "ignorant bliss" is replaced by fortunes spent in pee sticks, several days of being poked, and hours sitting by the phone waiting to hear that "magic number".

Gosh - I feel like I have so much to write - next steps, big summer travel plans, how lucky I feel to be married to my husband right now (you notice how I say "right now"...I am very aware of the nature of marriage ;-)) - but I'll save it for another post. I know this is a lot to digest considering our somewhat secretive nature about it all.

ADDITION: I guess I can now mention that I had the chance to meet Phoebe from Tales of the Phoenix while out in was so great to meet a fellow blogger in real life. As you may know, our FETs were one day apart. It was a such a comfort for me to have a cycle bud. Hey - brainstorm - clinics should really arrange "cycle buddies". Wouldn't that be great? Anyway, I had hoped we would be on the same side of the fence...we are...just the WRONG side :-(.


Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. Big, big hugs for you and DH today :-(

DAVs said...

You know how very sorry I am that you had to go through this.
Big hugs, for the both you and Alex.

Phoebe said...

You know, I too was thinking of all my summer plans and all the great things I would do now that I'm not pregnant. Oh joy! The snow today has put a damper on that, so I'm just lying on the couch depressed.

This is one part of the cycle I would gladly part ways with you if I could.

Hugs and love.

Jill M. said...

Ugh, not the beta # I was so hoping for you! =(((

I'm happy to hear you are content, but I know there is a big part of you that is hurting and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I look forward to following your adoption journey.


Insensitive Sis said...

I heard excitment and joy in your voice when I taked to you after the first four preg test(all different brands of course!)I could hardly contain my excitement, if fact my entire unit was excited. The very people who cried with me after the first BFN were giddy with joy and being silly. Unfortunatly, I used bad judgement and passed on silly, inappropriate stuff on to you. Believe me if I could do it over differently, I would. I am not going into details but I apoligize to you, Alex and all the IVFers. My heart is heavy with sincere sadness and regret. But as I have told you many times before I love you so much and I'm glad that you are my sister. I wish that I could give you a baby! My wish for you and Alex is to be happy. I want to be a source of support - I know I can't understand the way your IVF buds do. Give me a chance. I am so sorry about the BFN, again tears are shead for both of you. I love you both very much.(I hope i did this right- I never commented on a blog before. The generation gap I guess!)

Sky said...

I, too, learned the hard way that false positives on HPT's are FAR more evil than false negatives and it sucks to stay on the meds in what seems like a cruel game (I had to remain on meds another 5 days, knowing my beta had only inched up a point after two days).

Just read what your sister wrote and am now crying. I wish I had a sister SO much!

Sue said...

I am so sorry. I was really hoping for a different result. I, too, have had this happen...but mine turned out to be ectopic - kept going up and then down and then back up - and I learned that this beta hell is worst than the clean BFN. Same result without the added hope and heartache. I am sorry you had to experience this. Glad you are at least feeling some hope and contentment, though I am sure you will go back and forth. Nothing having to do with IF is easy. Hugs.

onwardandsideways said...

Very sorry to hear this news. I'm glad that you are seeing a way forward, although I'm sure this is all very painful.

And yeah... most days I'm happily married, but some days... lol

I'm looking forward to hearing more about what you decide to do next.

Lost in Space said...

When I first glanced and saw you were listing multiple beta numbers I got really excited. I wish it could have stayed there and not gone to the heart drop stage when I really read what was happening to you. I am so sorry.......Many hugs being sent your way.