99- A visit sooner rather than later...

I've been bad about blogging lately...reading and commenting on other blogs as well as updating my own. For good reason...

A little over two weeks ago (I think, it's all been a bit of a blur), I got really sick. I was about to teach class on a Monday night when, completely out of the blue, I began vomiting violently. I cancelled class, went home, and felt a lot better, so I thought maybe it was just something I ate. I tried desperately to hydrate, knowing how dangerous dehydration is in pregnancy. All was fine...until I started vomiting violently again at around 1AM. Called the ob on call and as I suspected, she wanted me to go in right away for fluids. I got my one bag of fluids and a little Zofran and was feeling better - about to be released (discharge papers in hand) - when it all came crashing down. They took my blood pressure one last time and it was 175/109. I was released alright...released from the ER to Labor and Delivery.

Once I got to L&D they did their thing - NST testing, blood work, blood pressure readings, 24-hour urine analysis - and, the scary thing...the steroid shot to boast the baby's lungs in case I needed to deliver at 33 weeks. I spent about a day and a half at the hospital. Came home with "strict bed rest" instructions and an appointment scheduled in the office for a few days later. And the rest is history...bed rest, 2 appointments a week, baby monitoring twice a week, and a weekly ultrasound ever since....a diagnosis that wavers between pregnancy-induced hypertension and mild preeclampsia, depending on if protein shows in my urine. The hospital bag as been packed and is in the car. Essentially, the doc told us that we would be reevaluating what would be "the day" at every appointment.

And then this past weekend, another little jaunt to L&D - I had strong right-side pain under my rib. This was one of two "must call and get checked out" items. With this condition, it could indicate problems with the liver. Everything checked out fine - most likely a foot in the rib :-)

So things have been a little tense, although I can say we have been going with the flow as much as possible. Initially, we were told the he would deliver at 36 weeks at the latest (basically, this Monday). Then we were told 37 weeks. And now, at our last appointment, things were so stabilized that he said we would shoot for the Monday after Thanksgiving (38 weeks). That would be so great! Full-term, so less feeding issues, etc.

That appointment was on Thursday. It has been a nice couple of days since then. When we were told that we would most likely be delivering at 36 weeks, we kicked it into high gear - well, as "high gear" as you can get being on bed rest. We tried to get all the things that we planned on doing over that last month done, and for the most part, we did. So when we were told that we now have a little more time, we've realized that there is truly very little to do but relax. It's been nice.

Hopefully, part of my relaxing will be catching up on all your blogs...I'm so behind. But know you have all been in my thoughts.

98 - The great infertility sort

This title came to mind as I was taking a long walk a couple of days ago. I was really happy and really content. It felt almost like utopia. I was deeply reflecting on my life, and came to the conclusion that there was nothing I would change - not even the bad stuff, not even the bad choices...because all the bad stuff and all the bad choices had played their role in producing that moment of utopia.

I thought about the pregnancy - would I be really soaking every moment of it up like I am if I hadn't gone through infertility? I don't know that answer. But I do know that there is no way that I could be appreciating this pregnancy more than what I do.

So then, I started thinking...do I feel this way mainly because I'm pregnant (and in the second trimester, no less)? Of course, the pregnancy is a large part of the contentment, but it feels like there is more to it. I think the process of infertility cleaned up my life, got rid of the excess, brought to light what is truly important. Infertility - the great sorter. It forced us as a married couple to deal with one of the most difficult issues a couple has to deal with. We dealt with, and now we know what we are capable of, and by dealing with it, it brought our marriage up to the strongest it could possibly be as we bring this child into the world. Another example - my fear of doctor's held me back from really taking care of myself. Pre-infertiltiy, I would cancel appointments or not make them to begin with. Now, that stress is gone. You all know - after you have stuck yourself so many times with a needle and have had like 50 transvags and 50 blood draws over the course of a year, any fear of the doctor must be squished. These are just a couple examples.

Infertility also sorted out my friendships.

I had this friend whom I would speak with pretty much on a weekly, bi-weekly basis. Then we hadn't spoke for about 6 weeks - and, surprisingly, I was ok with that. I thought that maybe the friendship was dying its own quiet death...until she called me out of the blue one night about 7 months ago (yes, just pre-FET) to specifically tell me that her daughter was pregnant. Her daughter is in her 30s and had just got married about 9 months before. Also, her daughter had just found out and was only about 5 weeks along - if that.

I did what we infertiles have learned to do so well - "Oh, please tell her congratulations from me. That's so wonderful.". And actually, I was pretty ok with it. I was reaching that place of "we live in a fertile world - I gotta deal". I was ok with it until the following words came out of her mouth,

"I'm so happy I got a hold of you. My daughter really wanted to know how someone like you would react to someone getting pregnant so easily. She has actually called me several times to see if I had gotten a hold of you and hear what your reaction was."

So, I know. All you infertiles, try to drag yourself off the ground. I couldn't believe it either. I was literally in shock and ended the conversation quickly. I didn't know how to respond. I had never been made to feel like a zoo animal on display before. This did it.

I contacted her a day of so later and tried to explain why I was so hurt. This is what I said:

"Let me give you an analogy - let's say I had a friend who was in a wheelchair, but had always wanted to run a marathon. And let's say I knew someone who was running a marathon. Then the minute this person started running her marathon, I ran over specifically to my friend in the wheelchair to tell them...because my friend running the marathon wanted to know how a person in a wheelchair who always wanted to run a marathon would react to someone who actually had working legs and was able to run a marathon. I couldn't even wait till the big hurdle - mile 13 (or in this case, the first trimester) - was complete. Would you ever do something like that? What you said and why your daughter was so interested in my reaction was exactly the same as this. Of course you had to tell me at some point, I would want you to, but the way and when you did it and your daughter's supposed curiosity in my reaction just really creeped me out. So far, I haven't been able to process it in any other way except mean and off...and I'm not so sure I will be able to."

And I haven't been able to. I haven't contacted her in close to 7 months. And I haven't felt any sense of loss - surprisingly, quite the opposite.

Then yesterday, I received a letter from her. It was her closure - "I'm happy the pregnancy is going well (we have some mutual friends) and I'm sad we've reached this impasse.". I thought about responding to the letter, but then realized that I didn't need closure on my end. My closure of the friendship happened the minute she expressed joy in getting a hold of me so she could see how "someone like me" would react to the situation.

I think it made me realize that this friendship most likely did not have a long term future. Infertility just brought that to light sooner rather than later. A couple of other friendships have died throughout this process...but not for the same, hurtful reasons. And I'm ok with that. Now I have more time to invest in my solid friendships that have "made it through the sort"....the great infertility sort.

97 - Summer is over and school starts!

So I'm back to teaching tomorrow, and I am looking so forward to it - more so than in years past. I think there are several reasons why. First, I think I am ready to get into a routine and exercise my mind beyond finding baby things on Craig's List and organizing yet another drawer. Second, I will be teaching three courses this semester, which is basically full-time. So on Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll be hanging out on campus all day long; having lunch, running into students, working on curriculum and assignments. I think it is going to have a different feel from the semesters when I only taught one or two classes and would just run in and teach and run out. Third, I definitely think there is some strong maternal instinct going on - I feel a stronger motivation to do a good job - to really give these kids what they are paying for....to inspire them. Maybe I'll watch "Mona Lisa Smiles" tonight to really get in the mood :-).

The semester will be interesting in another way....classes end Dec. 12th, with exams the following week. My due date? Dec. 13th. I know, I'm cutting it a little close. I have already made arrangements for someone to proctor my exams. But who knows if I will go early. Ah well - everyone is advised, and I hope I have things organized enough for someone to somewhat easily takeover if that happens.

So what to do on the last day of probably the best summer of my life? Yesterday, I made a very large, unrealistic "to do" list...as if there will be no more time for anything (even though I will only be teaching 2 days a week) once fall starts. I think I'll work through that list the best I can without stressing about what doesn't get done. Then Alex and I have plans to go to the Saline Community Fair tonight...although it is pouring right now. Whatever we do, I will definitely be sad to see the summer go. I think this is the first time I've felt this way in a very long time.

On the baby front...deals, deals, and more deals. We went garage shopping this weekend and I got a exersaucer that retails for about $80 for $5. Then yesterday I got the EXACT $140 swing we registered for off Craigs List for $45...basically new condition. I'm getting excited for my showers - one is a Dr. Seuss themed family shower and the other one is a English tea friend shower at this very cool Victorian B&B. Oh - and for the first time in our marriage, Alex and I have resorted to sleeping in separate beds. Why, you may ask? Because I now snore like a tortured pig ;-).

Bye bye summer 2009! Hello fall...you have a lot to live up to!

96 - Just livin' life...

The concept seems so simple, but for those of you who have experienced infertility, you probably understand the magnitude of this statement. I've been absent from the blog world for past month because I've just been livin' life - and it's been wonderful - but not without a grieving period. Only in the last month have I really understood how much I had stopped living life in those 4 years we were trying to conceive.

A quick summary of the last month - Went to Ohio to visit relatives in Columbus and Cincinnati, had a friend come visit us whom we haven't seen in about 4 years (went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair - so much fun), a wonderful reunion up north, a visit to Michigan's upper peninsula for a few days, a visit to the west side of the state to visit my niece's (including the preggo one), and lots of lunches and catch-ups with good friends and family.

On the baby front - our 20 week ultrasound looked great, with no signs of any abnormalities. At my last pregnancy he declared me a "textbook healthy pregnancy". Again, I'm sure many of you understand how this statement was truly music to my ears. In the last four days, I feel the baby A LOT...probably 10-12 times a day. I've also been feeling great lately, and I'm pretty confident that walking everyday is one of the reasons...now, if I can only keep that up during the third trimester. The nursery and registry are complete - I have a couple pics below.

As for the rest of the summer - unfortunately, not much left as classes start Sept. 9th - it is finally time for me to buckle down and get some class prep done and finish up some additional projects on the "nesting" list. Unfortunately, Alex and I will be making a trip to Columbus, Ohio this weekend because his grandmother passed away. We are so grateful that we had the opportunity to see and talk with her just about a month ago. We only wish she had had the chance to meet this little miracle - her great grandchild.

So, sorry for the very unprofound post. It it is clearly a report...I guess that's what happens when you haven't posted for over a month. I plan to spend time today catching up with all of you.

Below are various pics...


24 week belly pic


20 week ultrasound - we aren't finding out the sex, and we are aware of the baby's big schnozz ;-).



The nursery - with the combination of Craig's list and some very good deals, we were able to get all the furniture (crib, dresser, rocker, and bookshelf) for $400. My niece is going to make me a crib skirt with the material laying over the crib.

95 - It's always something...

This is the phrase I probably heard the most from my parents while I was growing up - I forget which parent...maybe both. The electricity would go out..."It's always something". Someone would die...."It's always something". The vacuum would break..."It's always something.". So when we got the news that our NT Scan and blood work came back "positive", it is no surprise that "It's always something" was the phrase that ran through my head.

I knew something was up when my ob called on Tuesday and left the following message - "Hey, Christina. It's Dr. H. Give me a ring at the office. I'll be here till 4PM.". Obs just don't call to see how things are going. I figured it out before I called him back that he was probably calling with our results, and since he was calling at all, the results were probably "abnormal". So Alex and I had the discussion before I even talked to the doc. We wouldn't terminate, therefore, we wouldn't follow-up with an amnio.

Yes - it was a positive test. He said the average risk for Down's for someone my age is 1/110. Any test the comes in at a higher risk than the average is considered "positive". With our NT scan, the blood work, and my age, the risk for us came back as 1/60. That means rather than a .5% chance that this baby has Down's, there is a 1.6% chance. Or, another way to think of it is that there is a 98.4% that the baby is fine.

Of course we would have rather had different news, but I am happily surprised about how we have dealt with this. I feel like it is a true reflection of all the hard emotional work we have done has individuals and as a couple. First of all, we know the inaccuracy of this test and we are aware of the high probability of false positives. Secondly, we intimately know someone with Down's - Alex's sister. It is not an unknown to us, which makes any probability of it a lot less scary. I can honestly say this positive test has put little to no damper on the excitement we are feeling about this pregnancy. The part I am happily surprised about is not necessarily our decision itself - I have no judgment about what people decide to do with this information. It is such a personal choice. I am most happily surprised about our clarity and the fact that we are on the same page...whatever that "same page" may be.

I've been feeling movement. I'm getting big. And when I push on my stomach in certain places, I can tell I am feeling the baby's head. We just want to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy with as little medical intervention as possible.

So - in other news, the summer has been great. Perhaps one of our best. After we returned from Dublin, I went on another trip with Alex to Valencia, Spain. It was a beautiful city. We spent a lot of time on the beach. Some women were topless, and I was so tempted to rip my top off as well. I have nice boobs right now. I've never had nice boobs, nor will there probably be another time in my life where they are this nice. I wanted to show them off. But I resisted. Too bad...

This week we are visiting Alex's aunt in Ohio. Then a friend of ours whom we haven't seen in ages is coming up to see us and go to the Ann Arbor Art Fair next weekend. Then we are going to an air show...I'm working the beer tent for our Women in Aviation group. Lots of other summer plans, and the next thing I know, I'll be back teaching and 6 months along. I guess my parents were right...It is always *something* :-).

Some pics from Spain...

94 - Fish and chips and other adventures...

Well, I did make it to Dublin with Alex last week...and got the fish and chips which were delicious. Yes, yes - I do realize the phallic nature of the fish on the plate. HaHa. It was a nice, but quick trip.

We headed to Washington, D.C. to visit his family last Thursday and picked up Emily on Friday. We went to a museum one day, had dinner with friends/family, had a pedicure/manicure, and went to one of our favorite D.C. restaurants - Nam Viet. I absolutely love Vietnamese food. There is just something about it that is so flavorful and comforting to me. It was nice trip. We are now back hanging out in NYC. Alex was on "short call" today which means we couldn't really head into the city. So we relaxed in the crash pad today and had an authentic Italian dinner at a local joint called Vincent's. I'm eating my takeout cannoli as I type. Do you see my trend of focusing mainly on the food?

Tomorrow he will switch to "long call" which means we will be able to trek into the city. The plan is to spend the day at the met and then hopefully venture into the village for dinner. Actually, I don't know very much about New York...I just wanted to sound like I do ;-). If Alex doesn't get a trip by tomorrow night, we'll probably head back to Ann Arbor on Thursday.

As for new news in the world of pregnancy:

1) I got a public recognition at the subway last week when someone offered me their seat.
2) It doesn't matter if I have just emptied my bladder - if I sneeze, there is a 90% chance I will piss myself a little.
3) I love having boobs. Plain and simple.

93 - Will Kill for Food and Hoboken Adventures...

So, we made it to NYC yesterday. As we were driving to the airport in Detroit, I suddenly felt a sense of panic. It was 11:15ish and our flight departed at 1:30PM. I asked Alex "Can we talk about the food situation and what we are going to do about lunch?". He laughed. This is so out of character for me...I am so not HM (High Maintenance)...well that folks, is slowly a changin' ;-). We decided we would eat at the airport Chili's. I was STARVING when we arrived there about 12:15PM...and this was after consuming a Danish in the car to the airport. After what seemed like hours (but I'm sure was only like 5 minutes), a waitress stopped by and said "I'll be right with you"...more "hours" seemed to have passed. I felt like I was going to strangle her if she didn't get "us" food pronto. Seriously. There is this instinct inside of me now that makes me believe that I could really hurt somebody over food. I think Alex got scared of the smoke rising from the top of my head and my red, possessed eyes...he talked to the hostess and she took our order.

Flight was great - first class. God, I love first class. I'll admit - I am a total diva when it comes to first class travel...because with our travel benefits, it is how we travel probably 95% of the time. How spoiled am I? So much so that when we thought we were going to have to sit in coach the whole 1 1/2 hours from DTW to NYC, I bitched (Alex did too, actually). Oh no - it wasn't good enough we were flying for free. Here's an admission - sometimes, I won't go with Alex on trips across the Atlantic if there aren't 1st class seats available. I know, total diva. But this is my only diva thing...I buy clothes at thrift shops and get my hair trimmed at Fantastic Sams. Truly.

So once we arrived in NYC, we went to his "crash pad" (the place were he stays when he is in NYC waiting for trips) in Howard Beach. I'm glad I got the chance to see it - it makes me feel better about him being here as it is a nice place. Then at about 5PM we decided to do the hour and a half trek across to Hoboken. Have any of you seen the TLC show "Cake Boss"? Well, the bakery is in Hoboken. We went there. I was surprised that the bakery was pretty much empty. We bought some pastries, and as we were walking out, I asked Alex to take my picture...just as he was doing so, "Mama Maria" came out. She was so excited that we were taking a picture in front of the bakery - she struck up a conversation and got in a picture with me. As she was walking away, she said "We're on tonight -10PM, TLC". Then she proceeded to tell her friend how exciting it was that people would actually want their picture taken in front of the bakery. Ahh, sweet Mama Maria...so new to fame. Give it a couple of months...I bet her excitement will slowly ween.

We had dinner at the Sushi Lounge...vegetarian for me, of course. It was delicious. Then we met up with this girl we knew from our college who is also a pilot for Delta and had "drinks" at this very chic bar called Lua. It had such a great view of the city. Of course, my "drinks" consisted of a virgin dacari and a couple of cups of mint tea, but it was still fun. We socialized for about 3 hours, then started the trek home at about 11PM...I won't go into details, but we got home at 2AM...I'll just leave it at that. It was a great day.

So today, Alex has a trip to Dublin leaving at about 7PM. Mmmmm...Irish pubs mean fish and chips...It looks like there is a pretty good chance I'll get on (1st class, of course, in my thrift shop duds). As for today, our plans were to hang out in the city, maybe go to an art museum and have lunch in Little Italy, but it is pouring and thundering right now, so who knows.

****

In other big news...my niece is pregnant! That's right - my NIECE. So here's the scoop - my sis is 17 years older than I am and had her kids pretty young. My niece is actually 26. Did you think it was a teenage "oops" story? Nope - they (her and my nephew-in-law) will be bringing the baby into a planned and stable situation. Her due date is February 2nd (mine is now somewhere around Dec. 13th). Our kids will be very close in age...and will hopefully have a close relationship as well!