Wednesday, April 15, 2009

82 - Of course. Can anything be perfect?

This was Alex's text response from Istanbul late last night after I sent him the following message:

"good and bad. Progest up, estrogen down."

My progesterone is right on target, but my estrogen plummeted - so much so that they have added an additional estrace pill at night. I asked the nurse if this was unusual - to see one up and the other down - she said somewhat. She also said that even though my estrogen is still above what they would like to see at this point, she added the extra estrace because she doesn't want to take any chances with this "crazy situation".

That is what this is labeled - a "crazy situation". Yup - that's about right.

Here is the crazy thing - we closed this up on Friday, April 3rd when we got the news of our low, non-doubling second beta number. I was thrilled at the clarity we experienced that day, and saw it as something special. Not that we didn't grieve - we did. But it felt like we had been doing all our grieving over the past 7 months since our fresh cycle. We had always said all along that we weren't cycling again - that we would go straight into adoption...but we were also open to changing that decision. We knew that we would only know the answer if this FET cycle failed. To us, it failed on April 3rd. And everything became clear that afternoon. That afternoon, we knew how close we got - this was our first ivf cycle, we got blasts that both made it through the thaw, and I got pregnant, be it a chemical or not. The chance of this working at some point is probably pretty high. We know that. And even with that knowledge, there is not a ounce of us the wants to give this another go.

I finally have the courage to say this - we don't want a biological child bad enough to do this again. That afternoon, it became clear - although we were sad, it felt like everything was falling into place as it should...we were meant to adopt. I fell in love a little more with my husband....I know a lot of guys often aren't into adoption and kind of see it as a "last option" - but not my husband. He's excited about it. He doesn't have any hang ups about it. I really see this as special, and I'm grateful.

I hauled out all the info we had collected throughout the fall. We had narrowed down the agency we wanted to work with, and I found myself getting excited and feeling almost "privileged" about our path in life.

And then our "crazy situation" happened that following Monday. My beta started doubling normally. Before we started infertility treatments, I had fantasized about how I would feel if I became would be this utopia-type feeling and all would be right with the least my world. I think it is the combination of our rough start and our surprisingly peaceful closure - but I will tell you that what I am feeling right now is far from utopia. It is more like "please just let this not be an ectopic"...I'm in denial that there is a chance that this is viable.

The whole situation brought to light something I've been working on in terms of personal growth. Give me lemons and I will make lemonade - and pretty quickly. My coping skills in bad situations are above average. It's not that I am detached and don't feel - I feel deeply - but I am usually able to work through those feelings and function in a healthy way - thanks to years of hard work in therapy.

But give me lemonade?

I freak out. I want to immediately pour it down the sink. Give me my lemons back. I know what to do with those. The lemons will keep me busy - they will allow me create something out of nothing. But to sit here and enjoy a glass of lemonade? Even a little? It puts me far out of my comfort zone.

And here we sit with our small glass of lemonade - I'm still pregnant, even if it is a "crazy situation" with lots of risks. My goal in the days between now and the ultrasound is to allow myself to drink a little - even if they are only tiny, cautious sips.


Sky said...

Tiny cautious sips might turn into a little baby and maybe that's what's meant to be before you adopt baby #2. :)

Sue said...

I know this feeling. It is one of the scariest places to be. First you hope and that gets crushed, then you have no hope and you are kind of okay, even content, but then you are handed a little bit of hope and you are so afraid to let yourself get back up that high, because you have so far to fall. I was there this fall. It is just the way it goes.

I am praying that you will have a healthy baby from this FET and maybe you can adopt baby #2. It would be beautiful.

DAVs said...

I agree with Sky. You definitely know your track for baby #2. I just hope this pregnancy quits being "crazy"! When is that ultrasound again???

Jill M. said...

You are definitely in a crazy situation! It sounds like to me that you're in self preservation mode, very understandably so. I admire your strength. I still hope you are pleasantly surprised by your u/s. Keep us posted!

onwardandsideways said...

IVF is such a m*therf*cker. Truly. I'm feelin' ya' on fumbling with the possibility of good news, really good news. So hard to trust that it could happen to you.

I sincerely hope this will work. You seem like such a cute couple. You will be great parents, no matter how you get there.

Hang in there...

Phoebe said...

What an uncomfortable place to be in, the not knowing. I wouldn't worry too much about your estrogen levels. Remember we talked about this before with you lining and blood levels? Blood levels do not necessarily correlate to tissue levels. Maybe it just means all that estrogen is going to your uterus where everything is hunky dory? You'll know in a week. I hope you can hang on till then. I'm sorry the joy has been taken from you, because that is what you deserve to have during your pregnancy. (((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I'm not at all surprised that your hormones are a little out of whack. With a FET, there was no actual ovulation in your body so the normal post-ovulation hormonal cycle has to be created by external medical means, which is an imperfect replica of what your body does naturally. And sometimes your body accepts those drugs and performs like you want it to, and sometimes it doesn't. Hang in there...just a few more days until you reach the next hurdle.

But yes! Ha! Lemonade! I know, what to do with that? It's so much easier to be coping and dealing and working and struggling. But what about just being? Just living in the moment? Now THAT is the challenge. Good luck to you. I hope you get to take this in at least a little bit.


Anonymous said...

Hope this crazy situation works out - you are a pillar of strength to get through this insane cycle!

Lost in Space said...

Cautious sips one day at a time is all you can do. I'm sorry the IF beast has taken away the ability to just enjoy this part. I really wish it were easier. Know that we are here with you every step of the way.

coolcapmom said...

Missing you after (gasp) two whole days of not talking IRL. Luckily I talked to your hubby and so figure you are well taken care of. I think you are right about the lemonade part. It is such a level of vulnerability to actually hope for the best, or even gasp, expect what everyone else takes for granted. Just take it one hour at a time, the only cliche I have ever found remotely helpful. Love ya.

g said...

i a right there with Sue... that was us! we were crushed two decembers ago when IVF#4 failed we had moved on to adoption and we were great with that! then a glimmer of hope to Visit CCRM but hopes werent up too high, kinda went through the motions just to say we gave it our all, then Hey a BFP but still hesitant to get too excited! we were just waiting to be crushed onece again and we came close a few times now here i sit almost 30wks and co close to meet our lil miracle... i just know that this will be your miracle!! We are still on the adoption list so our #2 will be adopted and we are just too excited for that to happen!! :)

(((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))

and all the luck in the world!!! i will keep you in my thoughts!!! ;)

MamaSoon said...

I am hoping you get the surprise you've dreamed of

Jill said...

Goodness-what a roller coaster situation. I'm so sorry. I hope everything goes well at your u/s. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))