Tuesday, March 31, 2009

78 - No title

I love coming up with titles to blog posts...witty ones - it is one of my favorite parts of this creative outlet. But as I thought about what I was going to write today, no title developed. I don't know why, and I didn't have the energy to sit here all day.

So we will know soon - if this FET was successful or not. This has caused me to think about our infertility journey...even more deeply than I have in the past. I'd like to think it will be over soon - either way. But I know that is far from true. The struggles of the last 4 years will always be a part of me, of us. Here are some things about it that will stick regardless of the outcome....

-I've met some incredible women through this blog world....INCREDIBLE. Women of such strength, courage, and brilliance. Role models. Women I want to be like when I grow up. Women who are awesome mothers - regardless if their children are in the flesh and blood or if their children are invisible (like in Davs post). They have taught me so many different things - to have the courage to be vulnerable and honest and to put it "out there" so that others won't feel alone...they've inspired me to want to cook more :-)...they've made me laugh...they've made me feel "normal" (if there is such a thing) in a situation that can make you feel so alienated. They've truly been my strength in so many cases. I will forever be grateful for the women in the blogs. I would totally want you all as IRL friends!

-Infertility has a very unique sort of pain that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it...or have gone through something that no matter how hard you work, no matter how much research you do, no matter how much money you spend, no matter how "good" you are, you have relatively no impact on the outcome. Until infertility, I hadn't been through something like that. I believed all my limitations were choices. If I wanted something, I either worked my ass off and got it or decided that I wanted to spend my energy elsewhere. I had never been in a situation where I couldn't work my ass off to "get it"...whatever "it" was. I've been humbled. And through it all I have developed a deep empathy and understanding for those in situations where they are limited by something...where they can't just work their asses off to fix it....where they truly have to make their peace with their fate because the options have run out. It's an understanding that is difficult to get at a heart level unless you have direct experience. I feel so much more for the mentally and physically disabled...for those in nursing homes without family...for that kid who lives in the slums of India and must take care of his siblings. Not that infertility compares to any of those cases directly, but the feeling of being trapped is universal. I get sad more since the infertility...I probably always will. I use to think it was infertility directly that caused the sadness, but looking back, I realize that I think I have just developed a level of empathy that didn't exist until this journey. And I don't really view that as a bad thing...I'm learning that the more you open yourself to understanding others' pain, the more you are also open to experiencing their joy.

-My husband and I are stronger than ever. We're not perfect, we struggle, but we are strong. Somehow we have managed to convert a situation that often rips marriages apart into something that strengthened us. Actually, and this is totally honest, some of our best times together have been while we've been going through treatments. I know that many of you have experienced the same...it is something to be grateful for. And when children do make it into our home (biological or adopted...or both), I know that we will be stronger parents as a result of our struggles along this journey.

-Frankly, infertility sucks. Big time. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It is not the path I would have chosen, and even given the above statements, I am not going to say "I'm so grateful it worked out this way"....whatever "this way" ends up being. Truthfully, I would much rather forgone all the personal growth and wisdom, and have spent the $30,000 elsewhere and have gotten knocked up after a night of fabulous sex with my husband. But for some reason that song keeps running through my head...."You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find...you get what you need"...

I plan on catching up on all my blog buds tonight and tomorrow...I'm sorry for the neglect, but I know you can all relate. Sometimes energy is just sucked up trying to make it through a day...regardless of what kind of day it is.

Friday, March 13, 2009

77 - Risky honesty

So this is a risky post, but I'm going to do it anyway. It is how I've felt since my last post.

About a week ago, at my therapy session, I had a HUGE breakthrough. For the last year and a half, there has been some major angst between my therapist and I. She says that I am one of her most stubborn, controlling clients. I agree, completely. I've yelled. I've hung up on her. I've refused to talk in sessions when she was pissing me off. Yes, yes, all behavior quite becoming of a 34 year old :-). Last session she expressed concern that maybe our relationship was over. She thought there was a chance she was doing more harm than good at this point, and that although she really cared about me, it is her job as a therapist to HELP me. I lost it. LOST IT. I'm talking sobbing, shaking, head in my hands, unable to speak. Neither of us said anything for about 15 minutes. I won't go into details, but through this somewhat extreme expression of emotion, the air was cleared, and our relationship has since returned to what it was in the good ole' days - where she constantly challenges my personal growth as human being, and I accept the challenge and work my ass off.

In that moment of sobbing, one thing came out of my mouth - "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?". The thing is, infertility didn't even cross my mind when I made that comment. Life's been hard. There has been some really bad shit. I won't go into details - I mostly keep it to myself (with the exception of my therapist, husband, and a few IRL friends). Nothing comes easy. I feel like I constantly fight demons. And in that moment with my therapist, all the exhaustion and pain of all of it came out. And I realized that infertility was actually just a very small slice of my trials and tribulations.

I also realized that I am maxed out with the trauma..at least the self-inducing kind. For me, the shots, the blood work, the speculum, the emotional heartache of the infertility procedures is trauma. I can't keep doing it - not even for the possibility of a child. And in no way does that mean I want children any less. If this FET is unsuccessful, we will pursue adoption...but I think our decisions for that will be more based on the "path of least resistance"...if there is such a thing in the adoption process - I realize there may not be.

Here's the thing - I have felt AWESOME this past week. The best I have felt in two years. I literally lost 2 lbs out of the blue - so symbolic of the emotional weight that was lifted. My energy level has been through the roof. It feels like good things have been falling out of the sky and landing right in front of me.

So we leave for Colorado to "pick up the kids" soon. Of course, this week, that was the topic in therapy. When my therapist asked me how I was feeling about it, I tried to dig very deep for the true answer. Here's where I may lose some of you...what came out of my mouth was "I don't care. I don't care what happens. And I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't figure out any other words to use to describe how I'm feeling.". She smiled big and said, "I think what you mean is that you are ready to give up control.". Yes, that's it! It doesn't mean that I won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, and it doesn't mean that I won't be devastated if we don't. It just means that I really get, at a heart level, that it is completely out of my hands. What a relief. I'm so grateful that this moment happened when it did - the timing couldn't have been better.

So my prep for this FET has been so different than our fresh cycle. I was obsessed with my diet with the fresh cycle. Obsessed. It was a full-time job for the three months prior. I was obsessed with everything - all the "dos" and "don'ts" I had read about. But this time, I mean, I'm not abusing myself or anything, but I'm so much more relaxed. Although I have been generally good about the caffeine thing, yesterday, as I was prancing around Target (yes, ladies, with completed lipstick :-)), I even got myself a small diet pepsi - I wanted one so badly. It was great. I enjoyed it immensely because I know that my one small diet pepsi is not going to make the difference in whether or not we get pregnant. This week, I've finally really understood at a heart level that I'm not that powerful - what a relief!

Friday, March 6, 2009

76 - My first "official" blog awards

Thank you to Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix for my first blog award! I'm a little stressed about the "one word" limitation :-), but here's my best shot...

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

1. Where is your cell phone? downstairs
2. Where is your significant other? Istanbul
3. Your hair color? blond
4. Your mother? pretty
5. Your father? sober (great job, dad! Sorry, I HAD to add that little note)
6. Your favorite thing? connection
7. Your dream last night? sad
8. Your dream/goal? contentment
9. The room you're in? nursery ;-)
10. Your hobby? blogging
11. Your fear? isolation
12. Where do you want to be in six years? wiser
13. Where were you last night? sushi
14. What you're not? big-breasted
15. One of your wish list items? sunshine
16. Where you grew up? Michigan
17. The last thing you did? commented
18. What are you wearing? pajamas
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? awesome
21. Your computer? on
22. Your mood? ever-changing
23. Missing someone? Sam & Aaron (ok, no way I could just say one)
24. Your car? Jetta
25. Something you're not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? Whole Foods
27. Your Summer? hopeful
28. Love someone? Alex
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I believe that most on my blog roll have received this award at some point...what can I say - I'm a "quality" kind of gal :-). If you haven't, consider yourself tagged by me...and consider it "official" :-).

Also, thank you to Onwardandsideways for my official "Honest Scrap" award, although I took it upon my self to accept Davs at Planet Davila open invitation. I know I could do another list of ten different honest things, but I think I would be venturing into TMI territory then :-).

Again, I think most of you have participated in this one...if not, please do. It's fun...I think for both the reader and the blogger.

Have a good weekend everyone! I plan to be absent from the blog world this weekend in an attempt to catch up on some school stuff. I don't have that shut-off thing where I can say "enough is enough" and get back to work, so I have to avoid blog land all together. I get reading and hours and hours and hours go by. Seductive stuff, isn't it?

Hey - I can't get Onwardandsideways or Planet Davila to hyperlink..any ideas?