Monday, April 6, 2009

80 - WTF...

So when the nurse called today I said, "please put me out of my misery", meaning "tell me my number is like 5 or something so I can stop the meds and call the adoption agency". Nope. Of course not. Apparently, I can't even fail something in an easy, straightforward manner.

Beta #3: 114

Exactly where is should be if it has been doubling since Friday, but still low for what it should be today overall.

I'm headed to the pharmacy now for more meds. F' me. There is no joy in this. Most women would be excited to some extent to get this news. It doubled perfectly. But no - not us IFers. We know too much. So here we sit - waiting for the bomb to drop...fighting hope from creeping in.

I have to retest again tomorrow. And then probably again the next day.

It's a hard spot - I'm "pregnant", but in no way do I think of myself as such. I think now I would only ever consider myself pregnant at 36 weeks, in the hospital having contractions. Not only does infertility f'up most other parts of your life, but it sucks a lot of the joy out of a possible pregnancy.

Sorry about dropping the f'bomb so much. This is a very confusing emotion I am dealing with right now.


Sky said...

Okay, normally, I'm the VERY practical girl - the one who often doesn't want to comment on people's blogs 'cause I feel dishonest being hopeful of a beta of 16 that's 19 a week later (though this doesn't seem to be an issue for other people) BUT, I have to tell you that maybe, just maybe, something really is brewing. I dunno - I mean, if it had jumped 3 points I'd think, this sucks but it didn't. I think that was a 3 fold jump and I know things like late implanters and lower betas do seem to plague FET cycles.

So, unprecedented for me, I just want to say, Hey, maybe there is something good brewing. At least, some cautious optimism.

I know how you're feeling b/c I, too, may not ever feel pregnant until the head is crowning and I've said before that IF cheats us not only of the bliss of conception but of the joy and glow of pregnancy too. No IF survivor ever feels happy until the kid is in her arms crapping in his diaper. How sad.

But....if the universe were so inclined to dole out a conception miracle right now, I'd sure like to see you have it.

Lost in Space said...

I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "I'm excited for you". I can only imagine your frustration and confusion, but I truly hope only good things come from this. Hang in there and know we are here for every blood draw and beta result........

I fully support your use of the "f-bomb". I can't think of another word to use in a situation like this. Many hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I know that it is very hard to feel hope right now, so I wanted to share my beta story from my last IVF.

Beta #1 - 107 (14dpo)
Beta #2 - 109 (16dpo)
Beta #3 - 135 (17dpo)

I was convinced that it was not a viable pregnancy - anybody who knows anything about beta numbers can see that mine were FAR from normal. My RE expected it to be ectopic or end in miscarriage. I cannot express how I felt the day of my first u/s when we saw a little fluttering heartbeat - everybody in the room was speechless. My daughter is going to be 3 in June.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Phoebe said...

Whatever happens, I'll be here for you. I kinda have a feeling you won't know for sure until that first u/s, and it looks like you are headed in that direction. Hang in there.

Sky said...

Okay, and last comment on this (promise). See this:


3/28 - beta 36
4/1 - beta 79 (that was 4 days later)
4/6 - beta 603 baby! That's right!

I hate false hope and I'm not trying to give it to you but some stuff lately has surprised me and I think, WTF do I know - shit happens all the time that's not "normal" and turns out beautifully all the same. Just keeping the fingers crossed!

Jill M. said...

Gosh, I'm so sorry you're being put through beta hell! Can't anything in this journey be easy? Of course not!

I too have a story of hope, my friend had very similar #s, they told her it was 100% a m/c or ectopic, she's now 3 mos old. I debated even including this in my comment because sometimes we just don't want to hear it, and so if this was frustrating to hear, I apologize.

The truth is, this could go either way and that's what's so frustrating, you're stuck, unable to just move on one way or another.

Hang in there hun, we're all here for you every step of the way! Hugs

DAVs said...

Oh man, I don't even know what to say, I really don't. I just want this to be as pain-free as possible for you, and even that sounds ridiculously trite. I mean, I want this to work (duh!) first and foremost. Just sending you big hugs.

Sue said...

Oh wow. I'm with Ashely - I really don't know what to say. And then some of those comments are so upbeat with supporting evidence! So, I say "hang in there, with cautious optimism". I've been on the bad side of beta hell but I don't think mine ever really doubled or tripled properly - ever. So, I will say, hoping it was (this sounds horrible so forgive me) a vanishing twin. Maybe this will be alright- though I get your stress and also fully support your use of the f-bomb. There is a reason that those words exist- they make you feel better and convey better than any others your frustration. HANG IN THERE!!!!

Arpee said...

Wow, I can't bear to even imagine your situation - I've been in similar places before and I know it is difficult, very difficult. I'm praying for y'all.

Me said...

Ditto everyone else... I'm hopeful but realistic for you. Luck and hugs.

Anniep said...

Well... fuck. ;-) Beta hell is exactly what it is. *hell*. Regardless of which way it goes, I hope it does something quickly! Closure, peace, a BFP... anything... something!


Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Just delurking to say I have been thinking about you. Sending strength your way to get to the next beta.