So when the nurse called today I said, "please put me out of my misery", meaning "tell me my number is like 5 or something so I can stop the meds and call the adoption agency". Nope. Of course not. Apparently, I can't even fail something in an easy, straightforward manner.
Beta #3: 114
Exactly where is should be if it has been doubling since Friday, but still low for what it should be today overall.
I'm headed to the pharmacy now for more meds. F' me. There is no joy in this. Most women would be excited to some extent to get this news. It doubled perfectly. But no - not us IFers. We know too much. So here we sit - waiting for the bomb to drop...fighting hope from creeping in.
I have to retest again tomorrow. And then probably again the next day.
It's a hard spot - I'm "pregnant", but in no way do I think of myself as such. I think now I would only ever consider myself pregnant at 36 weeks, in the hospital having contractions. Not only does infertility f'up most other parts of your life, but it sucks a lot of the joy out of a possible pregnancy.
Sorry about dropping the f'bomb so much. This is a very confusing emotion I am dealing with right now.
1 week ago