Tuesday, March 31, 2009

78 - No title

I love coming up with titles to blog posts...witty ones - it is one of my favorite parts of this creative outlet. But as I thought about what I was going to write today, no title developed. I don't know why, and I didn't have the energy to sit here all day.

So we will know soon - if this FET was successful or not. This has caused me to think about our infertility journey...even more deeply than I have in the past. I'd like to think it will be over soon - either way. But I know that is far from true. The struggles of the last 4 years will always be a part of me, of us. Here are some things about it that will stick regardless of the outcome....

-I've met some incredible women through this blog world....INCREDIBLE. Women of such strength, courage, and brilliance. Role models. Women I want to be like when I grow up. Women who are awesome mothers - regardless if their children are in the flesh and blood or if their children are invisible (like in Davs post). They have taught me so many different things - to have the courage to be vulnerable and honest and to put it "out there" so that others won't feel alone...they've inspired me to want to cook more :-)...they've made me laugh...they've made me feel "normal" (if there is such a thing) in a situation that can make you feel so alienated. They've truly been my strength in so many cases. I will forever be grateful for the women in the blogs. I would totally want you all as IRL friends!

-Infertility has a very unique sort of pain that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it...or have gone through something that no matter how hard you work, no matter how much research you do, no matter how much money you spend, no matter how "good" you are, you have relatively no impact on the outcome. Until infertility, I hadn't been through something like that. I believed all my limitations were choices. If I wanted something, I either worked my ass off and got it or decided that I wanted to spend my energy elsewhere. I had never been in a situation where I couldn't work my ass off to "get it"...whatever "it" was. I've been humbled. And through it all I have developed a deep empathy and understanding for those in situations where they are limited by something...where they can't just work their asses off to fix it....where they truly have to make their peace with their fate because the options have run out. It's an understanding that is difficult to get at a heart level unless you have direct experience. I feel so much more for the mentally and physically disabled...for those in nursing homes without family...for that kid who lives in the slums of India and must take care of his siblings. Not that infertility compares to any of those cases directly, but the feeling of being trapped is universal. I get sad more since the infertility...I probably always will. I use to think it was infertility directly that caused the sadness, but looking back, I realize that I think I have just developed a level of empathy that didn't exist until this journey. And I don't really view that as a bad thing...I'm learning that the more you open yourself to understanding others' pain, the more you are also open to experiencing their joy.

-My husband and I are stronger than ever. We're not perfect, we struggle, but we are strong. Somehow we have managed to convert a situation that often rips marriages apart into something that strengthened us. Actually, and this is totally honest, some of our best times together have been while we've been going through treatments. I know that many of you have experienced the same...it is something to be grateful for. And when children do make it into our home (biological or adopted...or both), I know that we will be stronger parents as a result of our struggles along this journey.

-Frankly, infertility sucks. Big time. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It is not the path I would have chosen, and even given the above statements, I am not going to say "I'm so grateful it worked out this way"....whatever "this way" ends up being. Truthfully, I would much rather forgone all the personal growth and wisdom, and have spent the $30,000 elsewhere and have gotten knocked up after a night of fabulous sex with my husband. But for some reason that song keeps running through my head...."You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find...you get what you need"...

I plan on catching up on all my blog buds tonight and tomorrow...I'm sorry for the neglect, but I know you can all relate. Sometimes energy is just sucked up trying to make it through a day...regardless of what kind of day it is.


Jill M. said...

Beautifully written, so well worded. I totally relate on every level.

So girl, tell us more about your FET!!! Where are you in the process? Best wishes to you!!!

DAVs said...

What a well written post.
I agree with so much of what you've said, point by point.
I'm glad we met through this hell, and I've got everything crossed for you!

Sky said...

Not the first time you brought me to tears. Amazing words from a gifted writer.

Wishing you well, as always, and two lines this time. (crossing fingers and toes!)

MamaSoon said...

Awesome song, right? I hope you get what you need too.

And I think that IF brings so many couples closer. I am glad you feel this way.

Jill said...

Great post. You so eloquently express what so many of us infertiles have thought and felt.

I hope this is a successful FET for you!!! Wishing you all the good luck in the world!

P.S. I finally changed my blog name-new address is:


Sue said...

Your post was really beautiful...and made me cry! I do think I've learned A LOT from all of this, but I wish I could have remained ignorant. And, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either, but at least there are some good things that came out of all this pain!

Now, you may have to divulge about the FET! I remember it approaching...but that is it. So, spill it! But, in the meantime, I am hoping you "get what you need!"!

onwardandsideways said...

'You get what you need...' Amen, sister. Hoping to have some good news from you soon. And glad you're back, I enjoy your posts! : )

Lost in Space said...

Glad to see a post from you!! And love everything you had to say.

I so wish we could all just be ignorant to all of this and pregnant, but it is great to reflect and realize what we have gotten from this journey in the midst of all the pain.

I so hope this FET is your long awaited dream come true.

Phoebe said...

Thinking of you today and wishing you well. The not knowing is sometimes harder than knowing. Peace and hugs to you!!

Anonymous said...

I second everything that you said. I would wish IF on anyone either, but I also can't go back and change what happened to me, so I choose to be grateful for the lessons I've learned and believe that this experience has made me a better person. Thanks for the reminder! Best of luck with your FET. Let us all know how it goes.