82 - Of course. Can anything be perfect?

This was Alex's text response from Istanbul late last night after I sent him the following message:

"good and bad. Progest up, estrogen down."

My progesterone is right on target, but my estrogen plummeted - so much so that they have added an additional estrace pill at night. I asked the nurse if this was unusual - to see one up and the other down - she said somewhat. She also said that even though my estrogen is still above what they would like to see at this point, she added the extra estrace because she doesn't want to take any chances with this "crazy situation".

That is what this is labeled - a "crazy situation". Yup - that's about right.

Here is the crazy thing - we closed this up on Friday, April 3rd when we got the news of our low, non-doubling second beta number. I was thrilled at the clarity we experienced that day, and saw it as something special. Not that we didn't grieve - we did. But it felt like we had been doing all our grieving over the past 7 months since our fresh cycle. We had always said all along that we weren't cycling again - that we would go straight into adoption...but we were also open to changing that decision. We knew that we would only know the answer if this FET cycle failed. To us, it failed on April 3rd. And everything became clear that afternoon. That afternoon, we knew how close we got - this was our first ivf cycle, we got blasts that both made it through the thaw, and I got pregnant, be it a chemical or not. The chance of this working at some point is probably pretty high. We know that. And even with that knowledge, there is not a ounce of us the wants to give this another go.

I finally have the courage to say this - we don't want a biological child bad enough to do this again. That afternoon, it became clear - although we were sad, it felt like everything was falling into place as it should...we were meant to adopt. I fell in love a little more with my husband....I know a lot of guys often aren't into adoption and kind of see it as a "last option" - but not my husband. He's excited about it. He doesn't have any hang ups about it. I really see this as special, and I'm grateful.

I hauled out all the info we had collected throughout the fall. We had narrowed down the agency we wanted to work with, and I found myself getting excited and feeling almost "privileged" about our path in life.

And then our "crazy situation" happened that following Monday. My beta started doubling normally. Before we started infertility treatments, I had fantasized about how I would feel if I became pregnant...it would be this utopia-type feeling and all would be right with the world....at least my world. I think it is the combination of our rough start and our surprisingly peaceful closure - but I will tell you that what I am feeling right now is far from utopia. It is more like "please just let this not be an ectopic"...I'm in denial that there is a chance that this is viable.

The whole situation brought to light something I've been working on in terms of personal growth. Give me lemons and I will make lemonade - and pretty quickly. My coping skills in bad situations are above average. It's not that I am detached and don't feel - I feel deeply - but I am usually able to work through those feelings and function in a healthy way - thanks to years of hard work in therapy.

But give me lemonade?

I freak out. I want to immediately pour it down the sink. Give me my lemons back. I know what to do with those. The lemons will keep me busy - they will allow me create something out of nothing. But to sit here and enjoy a glass of lemonade? Even a little? It puts me far out of my comfort zone.

And here we sit with our small glass of lemonade - I'm still pregnant, even if it is a "crazy situation" with lots of risks. My goal in the days between now and the ultrasound is to allow myself to drink a little - even if they are only tiny, cautious sips.