75 - 10 honest things about myself

So I saw this on Davs blog. Fun. Here are 10 honest things about myself.

1) I am a "regular" at a donut/deli shop down the street from our house called Dimo's. On my worst days (and even on some of my good days) I walk in at about 6:30AM and ask for my "usual". Here is the honest part - my "usual" is a buttermilk donut (usually still warm I must add) and a small diet pepsi. I do it 1-2 times a week. Yes, girls, I did give this up about 2-3 months prior to cycling last summer and have recently given it up as we prepare for our upcoming FET...but it was hard. They put crack in their buttermilks.

2) About our upcoming FET...yes, it's true. We are heading back to Colorado in the near future. Alex and I have decided to keep the specifics (including the specific date of it) on the DL. We decided that we want to tell our IRL people about the success/failure on our terms, in our own time.

3) I really, really struggle with being vulnerable...except when I write. I will pour my heart out on paper, but ask me to share that depth in a one-on-one conversation and I often freeze and become stone cold - somewhat robotic. I rarely cry in front of people. My closest friends, friends I've known for 25+ years would probably say that they can count the times they've seen me cry on one hand. Sadly, my husband would probably say the same thing. Yet I'm deeply sensitive and empathetic...I just hold it all in and let it out in private. This is honest - and something I would really like try to change in myself.

4) The reason I didn't become a professional pilot is because I couldn't learn how to solely trust my instruments in the airplane. I got my private pilot's license with no problems, but I struggled tremendously with the instrument training - no visual reference to the outside...you must trust that your instruments are correct and keeping you from colliding into the ground. I couldn't do it. This really is a commentary about my general trust in the world. Thank goodness I was able to be honest with myself. Failure to be honest with myself in this case could have killed me...literally.

5) I love hymns. LOVE THEM! That's right folks - this free thinkin', spiritually confused, somewhat-pagan loves good ole' traditional hymns. Blessed Assurance, Crown Him with Many Crowns, Amazing Grace, Great is Thy Faithfulness...all of them. In fact, in the spirit of finding relaxation techniques for our upcoming FET, I went into a Christian bookstore today and bought a CD of hymns. Where does this love come from you may ask? I was a church pianist/organist for about 7 years...another honest tidbit.

6) This aviation lifestyle is hard - really hard. The divorce rate in aviation (in situations where one person flys) is about 85%...add the layer of infertility struggles and, statistically, Alex and I have about a 5% - 10% chance of making it for the long haul. But we're doing it (approaching 11 years in marriage), and I'm proud of us...honestly, though, we are doing it because we WORK OUR ASSES OFF at it. It is not an easy road and we do not have a perfect marriage...thank goodness we are both willing to work our asses off.

7) Speaking of that...here's something totally honest. I DO feel like a glamorous, jet-setter when I travel with Alex. Especially when I get first class and he comes back on his break, all spiffed up in his pilot uniform, and I lean over and whisper in his ear, "Is there a Mrs. Pilot, Mr. Pilot?"...and then we giggle and all the surrounding passengers look at us. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a movie set. Honestly, it is a ton of fun.

8) Sometimes I go to bed without brushing my teeth. I don't know why. I've talked about it in therapy before - she says it is because I don't do well with self-care. I say it's because I get lazy at night. Who knows - but I do know it's gross. My mouth feels really disgusting in the morning.

9) There are only a very select few who are above my dog, Kharma, in the friendship chain. Sorry, it's true. I love her so much. When I cry, she lays on my lap or licks my tears. When I'm happy, she totally picks up on it and wants to play with me. She never asks me about the infertility stuff. We cuddle a lot. Honestly, some of my most favorite moments is when she is laying on my chest and I listen to her breath....ummm, do you think it's time for a baby? :-)

10) I don't think I have ever experienced the feeling of boredom - ever...since I came out of the womb. I don't allow it. If I feel that I am approaching boredom, I get a ton of projects/adventures going and make my life very complicated. Sometimes this is done out of my healthy, tenacious need for growth, other times it is done out of my unhealthy quest for chaos. Either way, I am confident that, if lucky enough to be given the opportunity, I will look back on my life and say "Wow - that was a full and very interesting journey.". However, I'm not so sure I will be able to say that I was "content". Honestly, I think I'll take "very interesting" over "content"....even though ,someday, I would like to have them both.

So that's the truth - the honest truth. Anyone else up for the challenge? I must say, it was fun and introspective.