Sunday, February 8, 2009

70 - Nightmare

First of all, you may notice that a recent post has been deleted. Thank you, feedjit, for the heads up :-).

So I had this dream last week that turned into a complete nightmare. It was a dream that started out as a day of complete self-indulgence and self-care. Good, right? It was good until the end when I got in the shower and looked down only to see grotesque, potato-like tumors hanging off my body. Yikes! My heart was beating so fast when I woke up.

I happened to have an appointment with my therapist last week and, of course, this dream-turned-nightmare was the topic. I truly expected her reaction to be "So, you've finally had the "day-of-indulgence-transformed-into-grotesque-tumors" dream". Instead, she looked at me wide-eyed and said "Christina, I have to tell you that this is a very abnormal dream and is an indication of some serious and deep issues". She then proceeded to tell me that the first thing I should do is thank my body for allowing me to have such a dream. WTF? Thank my body for that nightmare? That nightmare practically sent me into cardiac arrest. This is not what I meant by a "lighter" 2009.

But then after some thought, I understood what she meant and here's why - I have always felt that, for whatever reason, I have a very unhealthy mind/body connection. I have always had this looming feeling that something is really off about my body, yet outwardly I show no signs of being "unhealthy". Knock on wood, but it's not unusual for me to go a full year without having a cold. I get my yearly check-ups and, so far, nothing has come up. So because there aren't outwardly symptoms, I've discredited the power of this looming "feeling" by not putting any energy into figuring it out. To me, this dream is sort of a wake-up call that those feelings require attention. I know, I know...infertility has the power to mess with us in this way...but this feeling has existed long before the trials and tribulations of infertility. Perhaps that is part of the untangling process...figuring out the exact moment that these feelings of unhealth started.

I've been thinking of acupuncture on and off for a bit, and this dream has prompted me to take action. Tomorrow I am going to make an appointment. A girl in my social work class gave me a recommendation. Did I mention that she had been TTC for 1 1/2 years and got preggo about a month after she began acupuncture treatments? Just a BTW - obviously this has no influence on me using her recommendation :-).

As a side note - things have been so busy lately. One of the professors in my department is sick, and I have taken over his classes for the next 4 weeks (maybe more) which means that I am a "full-time" prof for the time being. I love it! Last week, I actually felt energized at the end of my days, as if I was getting more energy back from teaching than I was investing into it.

Another side note - I took a long walk yesterday- it was a balmy 37 degress. It really felt balmy. Our Mt. Everest piles of snow reduced to smaller rolling hills, and I heard birds chirping! Birds chirping! It was a beautiful sound and inspired me to want to put up a ticker...a "countdown to bright red geraniums in my window boxes" ticker. I think I'll work on that as a distraction from getting down to some serious course prep :-).


Angie said...

Yay for AP! It is very relaxing and a good way to focus on you. Just curious, so do you think that you are unhealthy? Or have an unhealthy mind/body connection?

Glad that you're feeling more energized lately!

Sue said...

Oh, that dream sounds awful! But, I know exactly how that feels (and I've always felt I've had a decent mind-body connection as a yoga teacher, though that is changing with all this IF stuff- it really distances you from your body). I actually had similar feelings last night...I have a lower backache and am convinced it is a fibroid growing out of control or something bad...not just a lower back ache from working on the house too hard last week. I'm not usually like that.

Acupuncture sounds great. It is such a wonderfully calming face feels calm when I hop off that table:-) Have fun!

DAVs said...

That dream freaked ME out!
It's weird, before all of the IF, I always always always felt like I would have something wrong with me (does everyone feel this way??) like early cancer or something. Because I am always very healthy. And I wonder if I was just intuiting the IF crap?
Can't wait to hear how acu goes!

Lost in Space said...

That dream sounds awful! I have a very poor mind-body connection and have well before IF ever came into play. I wish I knew how to "kick it" and hope you are able to find a way through the accupuncture to find some peace.

coolcapmom said...

Clearly you need some spa time!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your posts. They always inspire me to remember the bigger picture, to be more introspective, and to broaden my perspective. I loved the post about Egypt. It really made me think about some things. I hope accupuncture went well. I sent you an email with my address if you wanted to talk more about it. Let me know if you didn't get it. And good luck with teaching full time! That's so exciting that you're really loving it.

Jacqueline said...

Hey Aunt Chris, I'm actually going in for my first acupuncture treatment tomorrow for my headaches and migraines. Let me know how it goes for you! I've heard lots of positive things about it.

Love you!!!!

MamaSoon said...

What a disturbing dream? I also have a crap mind/body connection. How do you feel now a few days later?

onwardandsideways said...

Wow, scary dream... I found your therapist's comments a little alarmist, personally. Dreams aren't that literal... but clearly, your subconscious is concerned (for whatever reason), and you are wise to investigate it.

In my twenties and thirties, I had horrible fears of being diagnosed with the worst illnesses... you name it, AIDS, cancer... I was sure that one day the hammer would drop. I don't know if it's age or what, but I don't worry anywhere near as much as I used to about that. I hope the acupuncture brings you some peace and trust in your body.