53 - I once was a bear

The above picture was taken by DH and I last year when we took this amazing trip to Yellowstone. I post it tonight because I think I may have been a bear in a previous life. About this time of year, every year, I so easily put on those last few pounds of winter weight - maybe I should call it "fall" weight? Then I curl up on the couch under several blankets and wish that I could just remain there until early April. I feel a primal desire to hibernate - especially through the rest of this year. Frankly, 2008 has sucked in so many ways even beyond our BFN.

So today was interesting. I had my Micro Theory class. In this class we learn about the theory behind being a therapist - you know, Freud and such. The professor is amazing because we also talk about real cases and current issues. Take a wild guess what today's topic of discussion was? Here's a hint - begins with "I" and has the potential to send me into triggersville? You guessed it - infertility. I spent the first 20 minutes holding back tears as she talked about the emotional aspects, how the divorce rate in infertile couples is high, etc., etc.. Then she got into the technical aspects. And there were a lot of questions and comments from the 20-somethings (whom make up a majority of the class), and I felt my blood pressure rise. Questions like "So I heard that all the eggs that are frozen will probably die. Is that true?" and discussions of rumors that IVF clinics put in 6 or more embryos at a time. I, of course, was the class infertility expert for the day - lucky me. It was perhaps the only time in my life when I didn't relish in being the smartie pants of the class.

On the drive home I thought about why their questions angered me. It wasn't their questions and comments - those were all fair for someone who has not been through the process. It was their naiveness and innocence that got under my skin. They weren't tainted. I remember when I wasn't tainted. And it wasn't anger that I was experiencing. It was pure envy. Ahh, the days when I had no idea what IVF, DH, 10DP3DT, Gonal-F, Menopur, IUI, E2, and most recently, BFN, meant.

So I had another really powerful insight today, but I think I'll post it this weekend. I have a full weekend planned. Tomorrow my best friend and her two boys (whom I'm really close with) are coming over for lunch and to play in the leaves. They don't have trees around their house, so last year they came over to experience the joy of jumping in the piles. Alex returns from a 9 day stint in Africa on Saturday. Then on Sunday we are going to look at some Shit-tzu puppies. Our Kharma will be six this December, so we thought it would be a good time to get another. I'll post pics.

Happy Halloween! Be well and safe.