Sunday, October 5, 2008

47 - Another pregnant woman...seriously?

The above picture is of my dog, Kharma. God I love her. Can't you all tell by her eyes that she is really a human trapped in a dog's body?

So is it just me (and I am talking to my fellow ivfers in waiting) or is everyone pregnant or with a child...or two...or three? I seriously find myself dreading to go to Target because only pregnant women go to Target...sometimes I wonder how I slip by the door without the secret code. It's enough to send me into loony land.

Hence one of the reasons I have been seeing my therapist a little more frequently in the last few weeks :-). We've had some struggles, but she has really been a great support over the last week or so. One thing we talked about at our last session is how I've just been isolating and over-functioning way too much since the BFN...and how that really is a recipe for disaster. So, I came out if my shell a little (ok, a lot) this weekend - we watched the debates with my best friend and her husband, we had people over for dinner on Saturday night, I had coffee and good (and needed) conversation with my best friend this morning, and then we went over to a neighbors house for dinner tonight. And, as I do everything in my life, I have successfully gone to the EXTREME in un-isolating myself...will I ever reach a balance?

Today while I was catching up on reading some ivf blogs, I came across an ad for a domestic adoption agency, filled out the initial application, and felt some sense of control. Sigh.

My period is due today. No signs of anything. No sore boobs. Nothing. Would you believe I allowed myself to think "what if..."? I mean, despite the depression, the romps in the sack have been good and frequent. Then I quickly read up and found out that the first full cycle after ivf is often delayed. I'm going with that - it's the much easier option than being hopeful, and sometimes I just need "easy".

Sometimes you just have to scream "FUCK!" (Sorry to all those reading this blog who have believed that sweet Christina doesn't drop the F-bomb...she does, and pretty frequently these days) :-).


Christi said...

I often wondered the same about Target, not sure how I get in either. To be honest, we've stopped doing our grocery shopping there, they never have what I want but I have to say, I don't miss seeing all the preggos.

DAVs said...

I always say, F-bomb away!

I hear thee on Target. I've had many a near-meltdown bumbling through the aisles surrounded by preggos and newborns.

Thanks for your comments--I'm glad something about my "polite" post and my "failureversary" post resonated--you're really NOT alone in this, even though I sure wish we didn't have this in common. You get what I mean.

I'm glad you're coming back to life with all your outings and friends--support is essential. Hang in there.

coolcapmom said...

I may boycott Target in solidarity. Just checking in at your blog, thinking of you and how much I adore/respect/enjoy spending time with you! Your baby will come, somehow, someday, (but FUCK sooner would be better than letter, see I can drop the bomb too) and will be the cutest kid in Target. Just look at that dog.
Love, LHG

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

Welcome back...

Have not done IVF yet but have done Follistim on IUI - no cysts after BFN.

I blog on IF separately under my pseudonym Arpee @ The Saga of Becoming Fruitful