3 days ago
Sunday, October 5, 2008
47 - Another pregnant woman...seriously?
The above picture is of my dog, Kharma. God I love her. Can't you all tell by her eyes that she is really a human trapped in a dog's body?
So is it just me (and I am talking to my fellow ivfers in waiting) or is everyone pregnant or with a child...or two...or three? I seriously find myself dreading to go to Target because only pregnant women go to Target...sometimes I wonder how I slip by the door without the secret code. It's enough to send me into loony land.
Hence one of the reasons I have been seeing my therapist a little more frequently in the last few weeks :-). We've had some struggles, but she has really been a great support over the last week or so. One thing we talked about at our last session is how I've just been isolating and over-functioning way too much since the BFN...and how that really is a recipe for disaster. So, I came out if my shell a little (ok, a lot) this weekend - we watched the debates with my best friend and her husband, we had people over for dinner on Saturday night, I had coffee and good (and needed) conversation with my best friend this morning, and then we went over to a neighbors house for dinner tonight. And, as I do everything in my life, I have successfully gone to the EXTREME in un-isolating myself...will I ever reach a balance?
Today while I was catching up on reading some ivf blogs, I came across an ad for a domestic adoption agency, filled out the initial application, and felt some sense of control. Sigh.
My period is due today. No signs of anything. No sore boobs. Nothing. Would you believe I allowed myself to think "what if..."? I mean, despite the depression, the romps in the sack have been good and frequent. Then I quickly read up and found out that the first full cycle after ivf is often delayed. I'm going with that - it's the much easier option than being hopeful, and sometimes I just need "easy".
Sometimes you just have to scream "FUCK!" (Sorry to all those reading this blog who have believed that sweet Christina doesn't drop the F-bomb...she does, and pretty frequently these days) :-).