77 - Risky honesty

So this is a risky post, but I'm going to do it anyway. It is how I've felt since my last post.

About a week ago, at my therapy session, I had a HUGE breakthrough. For the last year and a half, there has been some major angst between my therapist and I. She says that I am one of her most stubborn, controlling clients. I agree, completely. I've yelled. I've hung up on her. I've refused to talk in sessions when she was pissing me off. Yes, yes, all behavior quite becoming of a 34 year old :-). Last session she expressed concern that maybe our relationship was over. She thought there was a chance she was doing more harm than good at this point, and that although she really cared about me, it is her job as a therapist to HELP me. I lost it. LOST IT. I'm talking sobbing, shaking, head in my hands, unable to speak. Neither of us said anything for about 15 minutes. I won't go into details, but through this somewhat extreme expression of emotion, the air was cleared, and our relationship has since returned to what it was in the good ole' days - where she constantly challenges my personal growth as human being, and I accept the challenge and work my ass off.

In that moment of sobbing, one thing came out of my mouth - "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?". The thing is, infertility didn't even cross my mind when I made that comment. Life's been hard. There has been some really bad shit. I won't go into details - I mostly keep it to myself (with the exception of my therapist, husband, and a few IRL friends). Nothing comes easy. I feel like I constantly fight demons. And in that moment with my therapist, all the exhaustion and pain of all of it came out. And I realized that infertility was actually just a very small slice of my trials and tribulations.

I also realized that I am maxed out with the trauma..at least the self-inducing kind. For me, the shots, the blood work, the speculum, the emotional heartache of the infertility procedures is trauma. I can't keep doing it - not even for the possibility of a child. And in no way does that mean I want children any less. If this FET is unsuccessful, we will pursue adoption...but I think our decisions for that will be more based on the "path of least resistance"...if there is such a thing in the adoption process - I realize there may not be.

Here's the thing - I have felt AWESOME this past week. The best I have felt in two years. I literally lost 2 lbs out of the blue - so symbolic of the emotional weight that was lifted. My energy level has been through the roof. It feels like good things have been falling out of the sky and landing right in front of me.

So we leave for Colorado to "pick up the kids" soon. Of course, this week, that was the topic in therapy. When my therapist asked me how I was feeling about it, I tried to dig very deep for the true answer. Here's where I may lose some of you...what came out of my mouth was "I don't care. I don't care what happens. And I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't figure out any other words to use to describe how I'm feeling.". She smiled big and said, "I think what you mean is that you are ready to give up control.". Yes, that's it! It doesn't mean that I won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, and it doesn't mean that I won't be devastated if we don't. It just means that I really get, at a heart level, that it is completely out of my hands. What a relief. I'm so grateful that this moment happened when it did - the timing couldn't have been better.

So my prep for this FET has been so different than our fresh cycle. I was obsessed with my diet with the fresh cycle. Obsessed. It was a full-time job for the three months prior. I was obsessed with everything - all the "dos" and "don'ts" I had read about. But this time, I mean, I'm not abusing myself or anything, but I'm so much more relaxed. Although I have been generally good about the caffeine thing, yesterday, as I was prancing around Target (yes, ladies, with completed lipstick :-)), I even got myself a small diet pepsi - I wanted one so badly. It was great. I enjoyed it immensely because I know that my one small diet pepsi is not going to make the difference in whether or not we get pregnant. This week, I've finally really understood at a heart level that I'm not that powerful - what a relief!