Friday, March 13, 2009

77 - Risky honesty

So this is a risky post, but I'm going to do it anyway. It is how I've felt since my last post.

About a week ago, at my therapy session, I had a HUGE breakthrough. For the last year and a half, there has been some major angst between my therapist and I. She says that I am one of her most stubborn, controlling clients. I agree, completely. I've yelled. I've hung up on her. I've refused to talk in sessions when she was pissing me off. Yes, yes, all behavior quite becoming of a 34 year old :-). Last session she expressed concern that maybe our relationship was over. She thought there was a chance she was doing more harm than good at this point, and that although she really cared about me, it is her job as a therapist to HELP me. I lost it. LOST IT. I'm talking sobbing, shaking, head in my hands, unable to speak. Neither of us said anything for about 15 minutes. I won't go into details, but through this somewhat extreme expression of emotion, the air was cleared, and our relationship has since returned to what it was in the good ole' days - where she constantly challenges my personal growth as human being, and I accept the challenge and work my ass off.

In that moment of sobbing, one thing came out of my mouth - "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?". The thing is, infertility didn't even cross my mind when I made that comment. Life's been hard. There has been some really bad shit. I won't go into details - I mostly keep it to myself (with the exception of my therapist, husband, and a few IRL friends). Nothing comes easy. I feel like I constantly fight demons. And in that moment with my therapist, all the exhaustion and pain of all of it came out. And I realized that infertility was actually just a very small slice of my trials and tribulations.

I also realized that I am maxed out with the least the self-inducing kind. For me, the shots, the blood work, the speculum, the emotional heartache of the infertility procedures is trauma. I can't keep doing it - not even for the possibility of a child. And in no way does that mean I want children any less. If this FET is unsuccessful, we will pursue adoption...but I think our decisions for that will be more based on the "path of least resistance"...if there is such a thing in the adoption process - I realize there may not be.

Here's the thing - I have felt AWESOME this past week. The best I have felt in two years. I literally lost 2 lbs out of the blue - so symbolic of the emotional weight that was lifted. My energy level has been through the roof. It feels like good things have been falling out of the sky and landing right in front of me.

So we leave for Colorado to "pick up the kids" soon. Of course, this week, that was the topic in therapy. When my therapist asked me how I was feeling about it, I tried to dig very deep for the true answer. Here's where I may lose some of you...what came out of my mouth was "I don't care. I don't care what happens. And I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't figure out any other words to use to describe how I'm feeling.". She smiled big and said, "I think what you mean is that you are ready to give up control.". Yes, that's it! It doesn't mean that I won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, and it doesn't mean that I won't be devastated if we don't. It just means that I really get, at a heart level, that it is completely out of my hands. What a relief. I'm so grateful that this moment happened when it did - the timing couldn't have been better.

So my prep for this FET has been so different than our fresh cycle. I was obsessed with my diet with the fresh cycle. Obsessed. It was a full-time job for the three months prior. I was obsessed with everything - all the "dos" and "don'ts" I had read about. But this time, I mean, I'm not abusing myself or anything, but I'm so much more relaxed. Although I have been generally good about the caffeine thing, yesterday, as I was prancing around Target (yes, ladies, with completed lipstick :-)), I even got myself a small diet pepsi - I wanted one so badly. It was great. I enjoyed it immensely because I know that my one small diet pepsi is not going to make the difference in whether or not we get pregnant. This week, I've finally really understood at a heart level that I'm not that powerful - what a relief!


Jill M. said...

I am so sorry for all you're going through... but very happy to see you had a break through that has really impacted you in a positive way. Best of luck on your FET!!!

Sky said...

I am THRILLED for you.

You're EXACTLY right. I JUST went through this exercise accepting my egg donor.

Ultimately, you have to use the facts before you, do your due diligence and make the best logical decision you can make and be responsible. EVERYTHING else is out of your hands (unfortunately, I know!).

I was in therapy many years ago and sometimes I'd think, This is such a f***ing waste of time and money and then I'd have this really great ah-ha, breakthrough moment and think, This is awesome!

I wish you enormous success - in babies and breakthroughs!

DAVs said...

I am so happy to hear this--I can only imagine that sense of peace that has come. Of course I hope for the best for the FET but knowing that you will not be devastated if it doesn't work, that's a great way to go into it.
Now, if only I could borrow a little of that attitude over here...

Phoebe said...

What a great post! I think sometimes you have to be so exhausted from keeping up all those defenses to finally let them down. I can't say that I have attained your state of surrender, but you are providing a good example for me.

I could have written some of this post myself, especially about the trauma of cycling and just not feeling like I could do it ever again. This FET is harder than I though, but now that I'm feeling better too, I think, maybe I've worked through some sh!t and won't go through it again, or at least, not as intensely?

And dang girl, how many patches are you on??!!

coolcapmom said...

I am glad that through all this you are your same strong, kick-ass, wonderful self. I am pulling for you every step of the way and I am glad you feel at peace, for now. And if you are not at peace, that would be fine too. Even if you are one of those teeny girlies that I love to hate :) I guess if a Diet Pepsi is THAT big of a treat- you deserve to be teeny! Should have bought the dress girlfriend.

onwardandsideways said...

Wow... this is one of the best posts I've seen written on a blog in a while. And I can really relate to these treatments being trauma. Like you wouldn't believe.

You are in a fantastic place. To let go of wanting the outcome you desire is some sort of very enlightened place that I'm pretty sure has a name, but I've not studied that stuff enough to know.

I can understand the point you are at. If this doesn't work for us, I may be there soon too. For myself, the hurting has to stop at some point.

I would not be surprised at all if it does work this time. Best of luck to you!!

MamaSoon said...

Wow. I love love love your post. I am so very happy that you've had the immense breakthrough. You sound empowered by accepting loss of control. That is very very cool

Sue said...

So glad therapy is helping! I am with Sky and had the same reaction in therapy - at times thought it was a huge waste, but now, years later, I realize it helped me so much. so so much. It must be so freeing to feel that way! I think this new, relaxed you is GREAT and I think it would make the timing of this FET perfect!

Oh and yay for diet coke! I did the same things with my cycles, obsessed about every little thing and it clearly didn't work. I think relaxing and being kind to yourself it just the right thing to do!

Arpee said...

It is great to hear a comrade who's learned to give up control!

Although my most recent post was about my current situation, it did touch on control, to which I wrote: "I have learned for a long time now (but not without much misery) that I can’t control everything. In fact, I can only control a few inconsequential things. So, I just put my trust on the Lord who has plans for me… to give me hope and a future."

Aint it feel good to be free? Enjoy the ride!

Lost in Space said...

From one control freak to another, I can totally relate to the refusing to talk in therapy when pissed. A few weeks ago I ended my session early and said I wouldn't be coming back anymore. Missed a week and then went back with my tail between my legs....... It's okay. (-;

Those kinds of breakthroughs are what make all the hours of talking and hashing out the painful details of our lives worth it. I am so thrilled for you.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your cycle....

Polly Gamwich said...

I love this post and I love your honesty with yourself and with us.

I totally get "I don't care" ... there's something about checking the box, doing your thing ... and then moving on.

I hope this cycle is it for you.

Lisa said...

What a post! I'm sure it was painful and cathartic at the same time.

I'm new-ish to your blog, but hell, I've been there before and just "relate" very well. We did our 2nd IVF at Cornell (1st was local to me) and I went into that with an "I don't care" attitude. It was such a pain in the arse living away from home, going through the oscillation between hope, despair and frustration, and then only to be kicked in the gut by a CP that didn't even register as a CP until 2 weeks after beta. To know that I could have gotten my first positive HPT when at that time I KNEW that it wasn't viable. Well, it sucked. I didn't bother POAS, sort of like pouring salt in the wound.

But really, I've digressed. I wanted to mention that I went into that with a total, 'whatever happens, happens' kind of attitude. I drank Diet Coke when I wanted. I tried to eat OK, but I didn't obsess. And the result was that our embryos were great quality (few as they were, only 3, but I'm 38 so I've got AMA working against me, too) and one did try to stick, which is more than I can say for any other time in the past.

We've been waiting for a domestic infant adoption placement for a year (14.5 mos, to be exact). I have to convince myself that at some point, SOMETHING has got to work out for us. Because like you, I can ask the question, "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?".

I hope your renewed relationship with your therapist continues. Good luck with your FET, but more importantly, good luck with your increased strength in dealing with it all.