Monday, September 8, 2008

45 - The past few days - Sept. 8th, 2008

The above picture was taken when Alex and I decided to take back roads all the away from Estes park to Castle Rock. This scene was taken right off of a small dirt road that followed the river. Good times.

Well, we did in fact go out to dinner the night of the BFN. We both ordered a beer, and when they came, I raised my glass to Alex and said "cheers". He looked at me like I had two heads. I explained - although we are completely devastated by the end result, I wasn't going to let that devastation completely negate the wonderful experience we had with each other while we were out in Colorado. He agreed and raised his glass.

Each of the last few days has had a different feel. On Friday, I felt a strong motivation to have hope for the frozen embryo transfer mixed with a bit of denial. Our frozen embryo report came in the mail on Friday. When I first saw the return address of Lone Tree, CO (the location of CCRM) on the envelope, I thought, "What's this? a rejection letter? -'We regret to inform you that you have failed your first ivf cycle. Please try again.'" I then realized it was actually the FE report with an attached "Frozen Embryo Emergency Contact List" to be filled out and sent back. What immediately went through my mind was "For what? In case the frosties fall of the monkey bars or something?"...add 'sarcastic' to the feel I was experiencing on Friday.

On Saturday, I think the emotional and physical effort of the cycle hit us. My hubby went to the U of M football game and I laid on the couch and watched "Steel Magnolias" and managed to take a shower. When he got home, we took a walk. By the time we got back from the walk, we were both exhausted and just didn't feel good. We made a quick dinner - shortly after we returned from Colorado, I spent a day cooking a bunch of meals I could freeze - in case we were pregnant, and the fall was going to be so busy. Freezing those meals ended up being a great thing the last few days because we didn't feel like cooking, yet it was important for us to at least try to eat healthy. Then we laid on the couch and watched movies all night. It was exactly what we needed that night.

Yesterday (Sunday), we both felt pretty good. We ran errands together and went out for Thai at lunch...nothing a little panang curry can't heal :-)... got a lot of stuff done around the house, went for a walk, and made a nice dinner. I imagine there will be good and bad days for awhile. The one thing I've learned is that the more we just go with the flow and follow our hearts on how we're feeling on a particular day, the less anxiety we feel.

Fall is in full swing. I started teaching and taking classes. The hubby heads back to work this morning. I'm going to pick out a couple of destinations to visit this fall (to go with him on his trips - for those of you who don't know, the hubby is a Delta pilot). I went with him to Rome this summer and we made the comment "Well, this might be the last trip for awhile."....based on the hope that I would be pregnant and not feel like traveling in the fall. Since that's not the case, I'm going to take advantage of these travel benefits for at least three or four more months. We decided that we will return to Colorado for the frozen embryo transfer in January. We want to experience the fall and holidays with hope.

I'll keep posting throughout the fall. Thank you all for so much support...and thank you to those I don't even know who post comments. The comments have been very helpful and supportive.


Jill said...

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry that your cycle didn't work out. I've failed 2 IVFs, so I can understand a little how you might be feeling. There will good days and bad days, but I think you're approaching it with a good attitude. I hope you do have a wonderful Fall and take some fun trips with your DH. And most of all, good luck on your upcoming FET. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

DAVs said...

Recovery from this is tough--but believe me, time will make it better. I think it's great you're planning some trips and I also think it's great you can still appreciate your good times in Colorado. Hoping the next time in Colorado will truly be the one.

ttc said...

I just wanted to say I am so sorry it didn't work this time. This upcoming FET will be the one.

I have 2 failed IVFs and 2 failed FETs so I do in fact know exactly how you feel.

I try and take my journey one day at a time, try to enjoy each day with DH and I try to do little things just for me.