Thursday, September 4, 2008

44 - Beta confirmed BFN - Sept. 4th, 2008

Just got the CCRM call - beta confirmed my negative home pregnancy test this morning. The nurse said she didn't expect the BFN because everything looked so good (in terms of egg quality, uterus, etc.). I almost wish something was obviously wrong - something concrete that could be addressed and changed. She said Dr. Surrey would call tonight and discuss the cycle, but even the nurse admitted that she wasn't exactly sure what would be discussed.

My therapist once claimed that the reason many parts of my life are challenging is because I am destined to be a very wise woman - while I don't disagree with the idea the wisdom often follows suffering, at this moment I would much rather be pregnant and forgo any wisdom gained from this failed ivf cycle.

So here my husband and I sit, trying to come up with questions for the doc. I have a couple: Why the *%$!?@ didn't this work? How much does a frozen transfer cost? and When can we come back for the frozen transfer? That about sums up my questions.

For those of you at CCRM or headed to CCRM, I hope this is not discouraging in anyway. I truly believe CCRM is amazing and is definitely our best shot...I have hope with the frozen embryo cycle. They are a top notch facility with a 62% percent success rate (for my category, 2007 stats)...but some people have to fall in the other 38%. We, unfortunately, were part of that 38%.

We may still go out to dinner tonight - I think that would have been the plan had we received the news of a positive and now, more than ever, I think it is really important for us to nurture and take care of ourselves. The cycle brought us even closer together (which I am so grateful for because it could easily go in the other direction), and it really was a great 17 days in Colorado...I'm actually excited about returning for the frozen embryo transfer at some point.

So I probably won't call anyone tonight...maybe tomorrow or over the weekend. I'll post again sometime in the next couple of days with an update of the conversation with Dr. Surrey.


Christi said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I was really hoping the hpt was wrong!!! Take good care of yourself, I hope Surrey can give you some sort of insight. You are in my thoughts and I pray the FET brings you your miracle!!!

Anniep said...

Well, hell... at least you don't have to prolong the agony. A straight out BFN is tons better than beta hell or even a later m/c. Regardless, it still sucks. DO take care of yourself. I hope you two went out this eve, just for YOU.

They *do* have great FET rates, too... I hope to be on the + side of those numbers soon... (not holding my breath on that tho! too jaded!)

DAVs said...

I'm really sorry. There really aren't any words, except to tell you I do understand your pain. Take good care of yourself and cling to your hub.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

I know this is about two months behind ... but seeing as I just "met" you today, I figure I can get away with telling you how very sorry I am about your results.

It's a hard and difficult thing to deal with. But from reading this post and the previous one ... you are so right. You are strong. So much stronger than you probably even know.

Anyways, I loved your therapist's logic for reasoning. I'm thinking that you and I must be extremely wise beyond our belief.

Well, if not wise ... then certainly more "experienced."

Still reading through ... will probably have more to say later! :-)

ps. How strange is this? The word verification word to type is "wince." Heh.