Friday, September 9, 2011

Bye, Bye Blog and Thank You

So, I'm closing shop...on this blog. But starting another - Raising Little Miss and Four Hens (I can't get it to link, but you can get to it off my profile page). Wow, did this blog ever serve a purpose. I admit - I remained sane and grounded through the infertility process as a result of blogging. Not only did the overwhelming support from others tremendously help, but also the process of writing was such a benefit. I've thought a lot about why - I think it is because it allowed for some of organization of thoughts in a circumstance where my thoughts were so chaotic. I felt like it gave me the illusion of control in a situation where I had none. I needed that illusion for my sanity. And let's be honest - how cool is it to have a journal about how badly you wanted your child and the process before they were even conceived. I'm printing this blog out and I look forward to the day when I can give it to her.

The other thing I've thought a lot about is if I could give one piece of advice for someone going through infertility, what would it be?

-Value yourself and your life...with or without children. I spent four years of my life trying to have a child and now I have the most amazing daughter. The problem is, I stopped living in that process. I have very few positive memories during that time period. I lost part of who I am through that process...and now, about 6 years later, I'm just starting to regain the part of me that I neglected. Why did that happen? I think it is because I defined my value by whether or not I was a parent. I minimized everything else in my life in the absence of a child. It is only now, looking back, that I realize that my life was full, before my Little Miss. I wish I had more positive memories of those four years of my life that we were trying because I know that many positive things happened...I was just blind to them. I know infertility is hard, consuming and stressful. I know it seems impossible to have the energy to pay attention to anything else. But just try to take the blinders off. I wish I had.

Emmeline is amazing. Most mornings, most, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. She's funny, she's strong-willed, she's smart and she's kind...she's also dramatic and talks with her hands. Perhaps that early Sicily trip we took her on had some influence? The biggest gift of infertility is the knowledge of what a gift a child is. From the minute I was pregnant with her, I knew that she could be it. So every moment has been soaked up. Sometimes I question myself because I have yet to really relate to the "it goes so fast" comment. I'm sure I'll probably be able to relate at some point. But as of now, I feel like I have spent a life time with Little Miss. I've packed things away, given things away, finally stopped breastfeeding at 19 months...and at every step I was ready. There wasn't any sadness - only, "Well, I soaked that part up all I could and I'm ready to see the next step.". What a gift to have that feeling. Does it have to do with the infertility process? Who knows. What I do know is that I wouldn't go back and change my experience. We wouldn't have Emmeline if our experience was different. We may have child whom we equally love, but it wouldn't be her. I can't imagine that.

Really, how could I ever want a different path?


Sue said...

I had tears reading your post! We often say the same thing...all of that pain and stress and financial loss was totally worth it and I wouldn't change a thing!

She is a beautiful little girl. I will look up the new blog:-)

Anonymous said...

Well said. I'm not a blogger but your blog helped me so much. Thank you. We cycled at CCRM, too. First cycle failed, second cycle was cancelled and third cycle was BFP - but wait -- first beta was 30, second beta was 50. It sent me scrambling to find the woman who had a 25 and went on to have a happy baby. Your story gave us so much hope. And I totally agree with your advice to others going through this process. Our infertility overshadowed the first 4 years of our marriage. I married the most wonderful man and I became the mad, depressed, bitchy wife. And he still loves me. We have a healthy 5 month old and she is worth all the agony and frustration. Looking back, I wish I lived life during those years. I didn't. It was too hard to be present in any thing other than hellacious infertility. Bloggers like you should know you may have helped yourself by blogging, but there are others like me who are so grateful you shared your story and your hard-fought wisdom. Heartfelt Thanks!

Angie said...

Still in the midst of this crap, I've been thinking these same things. No matter what the future holds, I'm not going to get this time back and I need to find a way to suck it up and start enjoying life again. Like you said, we've been living but as I think back over the past years, IF stuff for sure takes the cake. The hard part is, how to find that path? I don't know yet. But yes, even still in the trenches, I see your point.

Thanks for sharing your journey...even though I've been laying low this year, I've still appreciated reading and keeping up from time to time. I wish you many years of happiness with that beautiful Little Miss!