90 - Our 28/38 baby...

This is the title of the email I sent to our CC.RM nurse with an ultrasound pic attachment. What is the significance? 28/38 were our first two betas. Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks in the eyes of CCRM - although the baby measured 11w3d at today's ultrasound. Completely on track since the first ultrasound at 5w6d, but I think we will officially celebrate the end of my first trimester this weekend.

My BF, Lauren, and her son Aaron came with me to this appointment because Alex is out of town. They weren't going to do an ultrasound, only the doppler to hear the heartbeat. But when the ob saw that I brought my BF along, he did an ultrasound anyway. I really like him, and this just sealed the deal. And it was on top - not transvaginal! What a treat after so many transvaginals throughout this infertility process.

I also graduated from CCRM today. No more meds. My nurse said that after being on the bottom for so long, I was actually graduating at the top... without meds, my progestorone was 44 and my estrogen was 1200.

So really - only one baby in there? After 5 ultrasounds, I guess they are right. Seriously, I look a lot bigger than 11w3d. The scale at my ob says I've only gained 2 lbs this trimester, but I think the camera is saying something different...



ADDITION: I have one box of Endometrin and about 16 vivelle patches left. I'll send them to whoever needs them , shipping on me. Just send me an email. First come, first serve :-). I know our insurance didn't cover then Endometrin until I was pregnant, and it was over $125 a box...and those patches weren't so cheap either. So someone please take advantage of this. You can email me at acdispatch@yahoo.com.

89 - It's the same, right?

I read in one of those pregnancy books this cute little suggestion that you should make the most of your time with your pets before the baby comes...that your relationship with your pet with never be the same. That's what I'm doing in the above pic - aside from trying real hard not to puke, I'm making the most of my time with my Kharma.

So the other night, DH and I were lying wide awake in bed. I hesitantly said "Please be honest with me. Have you thought "what have we done?" at any moment in the past two months?" Silence. Followed by a very comforting "Yes.". Thank goodness! I felt so much better. I have too. I've been reassured by many that this is a normal and healthy feeling, but for some reason, after going through infertility and trying so much harder than the average couple to make this happen, I didn't think we'd have those moments. I slept well that night, knowing that even though we have fears, at least we both have them.

The next morning, I was cuddling with Kharma on the loveseat at the top of the stairs while Alex was getting ready in our bathroom. Our conversation went something like (not exactly like, but you get the idea) the following:

ME: "You know how we leisurely wake up at 9AM, then Kharma sleeps till about 10:30AM at which point she often just quietly sits at the foot of the bed and waits for me to come get her? It's going to be the same with a baby, right?

HIM: Of course. And you know how when her food is gone, she just stares at you for while, and if you don't respond because she has already gotten her allocated food for the day, she eventually stops staring and goes and lays down under the end table. That's the same with baby, too?

ME: Absolutely. And you know how when it's raining how we skip out on the walk and instead just let her out in the backyard to do her business and then we pick it up about once week or so? Same right?

HIM: Sure. And you know how once every 6-8 weeks we hand her over to someone else to get groomed. Those services exist for babies, right?

ME: Why not? Oh and those last minute trips where we jet off to Europe for the weekend and call up grandma and gramps or L (also last minute) to take care of Kharma...same thing with the kid?

HIM: Ummmm.....

Ah well, we got a good laugh. I'm glad we are openly discussing our fears and concerns with a touch of humor.

We are sorting things out. Thanks for the helpful comments on the last post. Since then, DH has been great. He set little baggies of saltines in various locations around the house and refills them when they get empty (which happens a lot these days). He leaves Wednesday morning for a possible long stint away, so this morning he stocked the fridge with good food...he obviously did some research, informing me he got some walnuts "for the omegas" and dried ginger "for the tummy"...and he noticed my feet have been exceptionally dry, so he also picked up some Burt's Bees foot lotion. I loved all the gestures...they were very thoughtful. Not the typical "here's some flowers" to smooth things over, but gestures that were very specific to pregnancy - things I really need right now. I was impressed - even more impressed when I found him reading my "I'm Pregnant, Now what do I Eat?" book :-).

88- Miss Independent

Ok - a little venting folks.

My husband, I love him...but as in all marriages, we have our struggles. I think a pregnancy has the potential to bring some the struggles to the forefront. At least that is how I feel today.

Our biggest hurdle over the almost 11 years of our marriage has been our basic lifestyle - he being gone for about half the month, every month. This lifestyle was at it's toughest when he was gone about three weeks in a row every month...this toughest part lasted for 4 years...and when I say "gone", I'm talking Europe, the Middle East and Hong Kong "gone". Things are better now - he is still gone roughly half the month (some months a little less), but the days are broken up into 3 or 4 day increments. It's manageable. I don't love it, obviously, but I've worked out how to live this way...perhaps a little too well.

As a result of this lifestyle, which has just magnified my preexisting stubborn and independent personality, I have learned to function best by myself. I'm use to running the house by myself, making decisions by myself, caring for myself. I've had to learn how to do this. And my dear husband is use to me doing all this as well. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be cared for and protected. I think I realized this when my parents and BF were such a great help when I was on bed rest...and I was open to their help (albeit a little "discussion"). When my dear husband and I get into this discussion (which, by the way, is the one we have been having over and over for the last 11 years without much progress...our broken record "discussion"), his response is always "but you are so strong, capable, and independent, I thought you would be insulted if I did so and so for you.". Sometimes I feel that I could tell him that I was going to South America on a safari through the Amazon right now, 9 weeks pregnant, and his response would be "have fun - I know you'll be safe and make good choices". Meant to be a compliment, I know, but then why does it invoke rage in me? I guess it is because it makes me feel even more alone than I already physically am a lot of the time. And now, with a bun in the oven, feeling alone is a scary emotion.

So what brought this need to vent on? Making my husband lunch yesterday after working in the garden, then we went out to dinner last night (my arrangements and suggestion), then I made breakfast for him this morning. Oh then, he makes lunch for himself today without asking me if he can get me anything. And finally, we were suppose to do something fun today - something where I could get out of the house a little after the days of bed rest. I backed off and gave him the reins to let him come up with something and make it happen. Nothing happened. This post is about the only thing that happened today.

Ok, enough. Damn hormones.

87 - Good News

After a weekend of bed rest, things are looking up. I can't believe the above pictures - clearly looking like a baby. How did that flashing dot turn into this? Blows my mind away. Even comparing the pictures from one week ago to today's pic...

Baby now measures 9w0d (after measuring 7w3d at the same office one week ago) with a strong heartbeat and...movement! It was great to see the little miracle wiggling. It looked happy. I don't know how else to say it, but when I saw the screen, the first thing that came to my mind was "that's a happy baby".

And here's the craziest thing - no obvious large subchorionic hematoma. Actually, our ob couldn't find anything remarkable (except the baby, of course!). I didn't have any more spotting all weekend until last night at my night endometrin insert...then there it was - a dash a red blood on the tip. I'm not saying that there wasn't a hematoma when I went to the ER, but I wonder if some of the spotting could also be cervical due to being on these inserts three times a day for the past 8 weeks. The ob said "who knows" and advised me to stay on moderate rest (no lifting, exercising, etc.) until the next appointment in 2 weeks. Gladly. I am so grateful that I do not have any obligations right now (school's out)...I can't imagine dealing with all these ups and downs with any added stress. Plus, I find that it has given me the time to do a little daydreaming - which I am starting to value so much.

Thank you so much for all your continued support!

86 - SCH, of course.

Subchorionic Hematoma. Buh-Bye St. Thomas. Hello SERIOUS bedrest until Monday morning when I have another appointment with my ob/gyn. I spent about 6 hours in the ER yesterday. Baby is fine. Baby is great, actually. Measured 8w4d (after measuring 7w3d on Monday). Heartbeat was 147. I got to hear it for the first time. But I have a "large" subchorionic hematoma which caused me to bleed yesterday - hence the trip to the ER. My ob/gyn was quite concerned by the size and recommended "serious bed rest" until Monday. Dr. S at CCRM sounded like he had more experience with these.

Shit. Seriously? Haven't I had my share of ups and downs in the pregnancy so far? How am I feeling? PISSED OFF.

Alex was on his way to Venice when this happened. I called him at 3:30AM this morning and had him get on the next plane home. He's home now.

My BF and her son, Aaron (coolcapcutie.blogspot.com) met me at the ER, thank goodness. Aaron was such a great distraction. He even got a little ride in my bed as they wheeled me to the ultrasound. She also came by this morning with some beautiful tulips, a Hollywood smut magazine, and a nice meal for Alex and I. Then my parents were here the rest of the day, pampering me and stocking my fridge. I felt very cared for by all.

Any experience with SCHs?

BTW - they drew my HCG yesterday. 95,000. I know this is meaningless without a follow-up (which we will do on Monday), but it was so surreal to see that number since we were at 190 at our last beta.

85 - Lots of good pics...

Yesterday was our second ultrasound - first ultrasound measured 5w6d; this one measured 7w3d (+-5d), so we are on track for growth and the heartbeat was "normal"...although I couldn't pin her down to a number. Still shocked. Still can't wrap my head around how my crazy numbers turned into this beating heart. Just so you all don't think I'm an eternal pessimist, our CC.RM nurse said that she hadn't seen numbers like ours turn into a heartbeat in the 20+ years she has worked in the field. We're thrilled, and after yesterday, my guard has come down more. Really, at this point, is there any other option?

Alex and I are going on vacation next week. Our friends that we stayed with in Colorado have rented a beautiful house in St. Thomas and have invited us to join them. Although I won't be enjoying foo-foo drinks on the beach, I am looking forward to a week of staring at the ocean and day-dreaming about the future. This is the pool at the house they've rented. We can't wait!