Life Through My Lens

Bye, Bye Blog and Thank You

2011-09-09T07:15:00.001-07:00

So, I'm closing shop...on this blog. But starting another - Raising Little Miss and Four Hens (I can't get it to link, but you can get to it off my profile page). Wow, did this blog ever serve a purpose. I admit - I remained sane and grounded through the infertility process as a result of blogging. Not only did the overwhelming support from others tremendously help, but also the process of writing was such a benefit. I've thought a lot about why - I think it is because it allowed for some of organization of thoughts in a circumstance where my thoughts were so chaotic. I felt like it gave me the illusion of control in a situation where I had none. I needed that illusion for my sanity. And let's be honest - how cool is it to have a journal about how badly you wanted your child and the process before they were even conceived. I'm printing this blog out and I look forward to the day when I can give it to her.

The other thing I've thought a lot about is if I could give one piece of advice for someone going through infertility, what would it be?

-Value yourself and your life...with or without children. I spent four years of my life trying to have a child and now I have the most amazing daughter. The problem is, I stopped living in that process. I have very few positive memories during that time period. I lost part of who I am through that process...and now, about 6 years later, I'm just starting to regain the part of me that I neglected. Why did that happen? I think it is because I defined my value by whether or not I was a parent. I minimized everything else in my life in the absence of a child. It is only now, looking back, that I realize that my life was full, before my Little Miss. I wish I had more positive memories of those four years of my life that we were trying because I know that many positive things happened...I was just blind to them. I know infertility is hard, consuming and stressful. I know it seems impossible to have the energy to pay attention to anything else. But just try to take the blinders off. I wish I had.

Emmeline is amazing. Most mornings, most, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. She's funny, she's strong-willed, she's smart and she's kind...she's also dramatic and talks with her hands. Perhaps that early Sicily trip we took her on had some influence? The biggest gift of infertility is the knowledge of what a gift a child is. From the minute I was pregnant with her, I knew that she could be it. So every moment has been soaked up. Sometimes I question myself because I have yet to really relate to the "it goes so fast" comment. I'm sure I'll probably be able to relate at some point. But as of now, I feel like I have spent a life time with Little Miss. I've packed things away, given things away, finally stopped breastfeeding at 19 months...and at every step I was ready. There wasn't any sadness - only, "Well, I soaked that part up all I could and I'm ready to see the next step.". What a gift to have that feeling. Does it have to do with the infertility process? Who knows. What I do know is that I wouldn't go back and change my experience. We wouldn't have Emmeline if our experience was different. We may have child whom we equally love, but it wouldn't be her. I can't imagine that.

Really, how could I ever want a different path?

The infertile on birth control..."THAT" story.

2011-06-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

You know the one...infertile couple, after actively trying to get pregnant for 5 years, having unprotected sex for 12 years of marriage, failing IVF, then having a kid from a frozen embryo transfer...drum roll please....gets pregnant on their own. Not only on their own, but effortlessly. So effortlessly that we are convinced that it had to be immaculate conception. But don't get too excited...

I thought I had cancer. Fatigued and nauseous. Any other fertile would, of course, assume pregnancy. Not me. Cancer. It had to be cancer. But before we made the phone call to the oncologist, I took a test just to absolutely rule it out the possibility. And there it was...the famous (or in my case, infamous) two lines followed by the word "pregnant" on the digital test.

I was scared. A few days prior, we had a talk about how we were really good with one. How it was so nice to just be living and enjoying life without being consumed with the next step. And now, without trying or desire, we were thrown into the next step.

You know us infertiles...desperate for information. I called my ob and lied and said that I had no idea when my last period was. I wanted a dating ultrasound. I wanted clear answers. I wanted to be told "viable" or "not viable". I was reminded of what we all know all too well - you can't always get what you want.

No clear answers at this ultrasound. There was a sac with some tissue growth but nothing identifiable. I was given a HCG test and scheduled for another ultrasound in a week. My HCG was 11,000. They should have saw something with a HCG of 11,000. Then it only went up to 17,000, 96 hours later. The next ultrasound ruled out an ectopic and in fact, we saw a heartbeat....but, it was low. 84bpm, measuring 6w. I think I was more like 8w. And the yolk sac was huge. I had symptoms, but I knew that the combination of all this meant that this was most likely a non-viable pregnancy. Yesterday, that was confirmed when there was no heartbeat. D and C scheduled for next week...I hope I make it till then.

How does this feel? I was upset when we didn't see a heartbeat. But the reason is not probably what you expect. I wasn't so upset that this lack of heartbeat meant that we would not have this baby. I was upset because we were so in a place of contentment. We weren't trying for this. We really believed that after 12 years it couldn't happen (despite being told otherwise). It got handed to us, made me sick, put me on a rollarcaoster and distracted me from Little Miss for the past 4 weeks...for no reason.

For no reason? Ok, I know better than that. There is always a reason. I guess it was just harder to find it in this case. I believe the reason this happened was to confirm the conversation Alex and I had just prior to discovering we were pregnant. Were we truly content or were we just making our peace with our situation? I questioned that. Now I know. We were really content. We now know that we can get pregnant. And with this knowledge, we have decided to go on birth control. We don't want this to be on the table anymore. We want to live our lives and enjoy the fruits of our labors (both in conceiving and in our marriage). Yes, maybe if the "labor" part had been less, we would feel differently. We'll never know. All of our past experiences have brought us to our current place and the decisions that we make. No use spending energy on the "what ifs".

So, this infertile is going on birth control - for now. Who would've thunk it?? If you told me 5 years ago that I would be doing this, I would have told you you were crazy. Then again, if you had told me that I would be getting pregnant naturally, I would have also told you that you were crazy.

I'm doing ok. Ready for this process to be over and to move on. I want my energy back for my Little Miss, who, by the way, is amazing. She blows everyone and everything kisses. The one thing I'll say is that, while this isn't pleasant, the whole unsuccessful IVF cycle was so much harder...so much harder. It was just such a different place.

I wish you all well in whatever place you may be...and the reminder that that "place" is impermanent, be it good or bad.

103 - Twas the day before school...

2010-09-07T03:47:00.000-07:00

My school, that is. Back to work tomorrow. I did go back to work last semester, but was only teaching two classes - this semester, I will be teaching four classes with a lot of additional responsibilities...including an increasingly mobile baby. I'm excited and nervous. I have this feeling, though, that life is going to feel a little more balanced this way. And that, folks, could easily be denial. "Denial" - it ain't just a river. That's one of Alex's favorite phrases.

We had a socially-packed Labor Day weekend, and Emmeline thrived. She loves being on the move and with people. She is not one of those babies that get overly stimulated by a lot of action...in fact, she is quite the opposite. I find that her crankiest days are the ones where we just chill around the house all day. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ;-).

Her 9-month well visit went, well. 18lbs 3ounces and 27 1/2 inches...right around the 50% for both. Her head still hovers around the 25%, which is fine as long as we don't see any large increases/decreases. The doc expressed a little concern about the lack of babbling, but not urgent concern. The plan is to give it another month and then do a hearing test. She is getting noisier every day...just not with those pesky little consonant sounds.

In other breaking news, she is getting really good at finger food. I never knew I could find so much enjoyment in watching someone feed themselves a Cheerio.

B comes in an hour or two and Emmeline is still sleeping. Time to cram in important things - like going to the bathroom by myself ;-).

102- I beleive in cloning

2010-08-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

Of myself, that is. In one circumstance - to watch my Sweet E while I'm gone.

We started with a babysitter. 10 hours a week. Today was her third day, and for the most part, we're pleased. B was selected after 8 resumes, 5 interviews, and 2 on-the-job interviews. Emmeline seems to like her. B takes "constructive suggestions" well and seems happy to be here. Today, E even made a sad face and leaned towards the door when she left. I trust E is safe. I trust that B is doing her best. But how could anyone love her as much as we do? Then I ran into a mom at the park near our house and shared my mommy guilt experiences with her. She's an elementary teacher. She reminded me - "I'm not their mom, but I still genuinely care for and love my students and try to do what's best for them.". Yes, B will be great once I get over my own stuff.

We celebrated her 9-month day today by a trip to the Chelsea Community Fair. She was quite interested in all the animals and especially liked the horses. She was pretty wiped by the time we made it to the carousel, but was a trooper nonetheless. It was fun, family day. Alex and I agreed that we need more of these. Often, when he is just home for a day or two, we spend most of that time running errands and "getting stuff done" - some of it necessary, some of it a waste when we take the time to look at the big picture of what's important.

E continues to progress fast in the gross motor skills area. Today, she started standing by herself for short periods of time. I bet she walks by ten months. Verbal skills, on the other hand....man, this kid is Q-U-I-E-T. I have no concerns about her cognition, social, or emotional development, but I am starting to get a little concerned about her lack of babbling. We are going to set up a hearing test in the next couple of weeks. I absolutely know she hears big sounds; it's the softer ones that concern me. When B came yesterday, she also commented how quiet E is and how unusual quiet our dog, Kharma, is for a shit-tzu. It's true - both are unusually quiet. Maybe our house is so peaceful and calm that we just raise peaceful, calm, and in these cases, quiet sentient beings? I like that explanation much better than a possible hearing problem.

I hear a little fussing on the monitor...and so the day begins.

101- Life with Little Miss E

2010-08-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Little Miss E - Her name is Emmeline Addison, and she is 9 months this week and....she is amazing.

The quick summary - She's crawling and cruising. She attempted to bail out of her crib a couple of weeks ago, so we moved the mattress down to the lowest setting. She's on the quiet side, but her favorite way of communicating is through laughter...and that makes me smile. She's just starting to understand "no" and evident today when I said "no" as she reached for our dog's food...and then that bottom lip began to quiver ever so lightly and I felt a bad mommy moment.

I continue to breastfeed, and I don't know how long we'll go for. I've stopped trying to set absolutes in regards to her, because if I've learned one thing in these past nine months, it is that there are no absolutes. Our night/napping schedule is finally down after several months of sneaking into the guest bedroom with her for her 2AM feeding then remaining nuzzled in there with her until the morning. I realized the need for a change when DH asked "Am I ever going to get to sleep with you again?". So she now not only sleeps in her crib, but will put herself to sleep (for the most part). Although this is now the right choice for us, looking back, I have to admit...I don't regret those precious nights nuzzled with her.

We have been doing cloth diapers. If you are interested in doing so, give it a try. Really, piece of cake.

As for DH and I, we are slowly but surely finding our balance as a couple and as parents. I will go back teaching in the fall. I will be gone about 18 hours a week...and I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am looking forward to it. For me, it is the perfect job for raising kids. I'm technically "full-time" this semester in pay and in title. But "full-time" at a university is roughly 20 hours a week away from home. Then I will get a month off around the holidays and have off from April 14th - Sept. 8th. I'm grateful for it. I think with our lifestyle, Alex away 16 or so days a month, the away time for me is necessary. I find myself being a better parent even when I just get a couple hours away a day. When I go 3-4 days without anyone else to hold her even for a minute, I find myself burnt out and sometimes only taking care of basic needs...not the type of parent I had hoped to be.

So what next for the blog? I think I will start blogging about parenting Little Miss Emmeline. I miss blogging. I miss my blog world friends...and I so look forward to catching up with you all in the upcoming days.

I leave you with a 7 month pic...more to follow.

100 - Our 25/38 baby

2010-01-02T05:25:00.000-08:00

The significance of the title? 25 was my first beta on a Wednesday; 38 was the second beta on a Friday. I was given the option to stay on my meds through the weekend, but we had to retest on Monday either way to make sure it wasn't an ectopic. I reluctantly stayed on the meds while simultaneously digging out our adoption folder.

May I introduce to you our 25/38 baby GIRL! Oh my gosh - we didn't find out the sex during the pregnancy, but had strong boy feelings. Our ob consistently messed with us...always using the "he" pronoun, telling me to go with my "motherly instinct". He took it to the next level when he called our room to tell us good luck and that he was sorry he couldn't be there. His parting words? - "I can't wait to meet your beautiful baby boy". It was truly a surprise when DH announced "It's a girl!".

The birth story: We went in to the ob on Nov. 24th for an appointment. The induction was scheduled for Dec. 1st, and we were looking forward to celebrating DH's b-day and Thanksgiving and getting the last minute things done that weekend. However, I noticed that my blood pressure had begun to creep up on Nov. 22nd/23rd. In the office on the 24th, my blood pressure was 145/95 and there was an increase of protein in my urine, but our doc said that he was still comfortable pushing until Dec. 1st. We were just about to walk out the door when he said "Hold on - your platelets were 78,000 yesterday". This is pretty low - 100,000 is the cut off for an epideral and to be awake during a c-section. It was also an indication that my condition was getting much worse. He told us to go home, get our bags, and go to the hospital...that they would start the induction that night. And they did - along with a healthy dose of Mag Sulfate because my blood pressure was around 160s/100s by the time we got to the hospital. And by 10AM the next morning, there was no progress. When the doc came in to tell me that they thought a C-section would be the best option given my declining condition, I promptly asked "Where do I sign?". Anyone have experience with Mag Sulfate? I would have done almost anything to get off that Devil Drug sooner rather than later.

The C-section was a non-event. Seriously - if it wasn't for that Mag Sulfate, the whole experience would have been a lot less painful than I anticipated. Because of my blood pressure (it didn't go down right away), I spent 5 days in the hospital. It was fine, though. It gave us a lot of extra time to get adjusted and work with the lactation consultant.

Life at home is good - content. I have tired days - don't get me wrong - but the overall experience/transition has been easier than I anticipated. We are very in love.

I've tried to really think about why it has taken me so long to post the birth story. I think it is a combination of not wanting to do much of anything besides lay with the baby on my chest and gaze into her eyes and a little bit of survivor's guilt. I remember after our fresh cycle failed in summer of 2008 - shortly thereafter a few blog world friends had success. I would visit their sites, write "I'm so happy for you!", and then, while a piece of me was happy for them, I would feel immense amounts of pain and jealousy. And then that cycle of emotion would take place again after they posted their birth story. I know I'm not alone in those emotions. I know someone out there experienced them with my positive FET and will experience them again with the posting of my birth story. In some twisted way (I'm aware it's twisted), I feel like I should apologize.

But then a few friends and family convinced me that I should post - I owe to myself, I owe it to my baby, and I owe it to the people who read this blog. It's closure. Yes, we had to do IVF, yes we tried to conceive for 4 years, yes we've had our struggles. But I also realize that we are very lucky.

So what next? A sibling? Those of you who have read our blog know that we were planning to adopt if this FET was not a success. We had no intentions of going through more treatment, even though this was our first cycle. One of the comments/questions that is asked is now that our beautiful daughter has is here "Doesn't the pain and trials of it all (infertility) fade away?". My answer is no. I very strongly remember the emotions felt when our first attempt failed. I very strongly remember how all consuming going through an IVF cycle is. I very strongly remember how four years seemed lost as we were trying to conceive. And I am so grateful we made the decision to do it once, and now that she is here, I cannot imagine life without our daughter. But even as I gaze into her eyes, I can't say that we are going back for a second round. We'll probably make our "sibling" decision sometime in the fall.

May I introduce to you our beautiful Honey Bunny. That's what I find myself calling her.

I know I am beautiful, but please, no more pictures folks!

99- A visit sooner rather than later...

2009-11-09T18:59:00.001-08:00

I've been bad about blogging lately...reading and commenting on other blogs as well as updating my own. For good reason...

A little over two weeks ago (I think, it's all been a bit of a blur), I got really sick. I was about to teach class on a Monday night when, completely out of the blue, I began vomiting violently. I cancelled class, went home, and felt a lot better, so I thought maybe it was just something I ate. I tried desperately to hydrate, knowing how dangerous dehydration is in pregnancy. All was fine...until I started vomiting violently again at around 1AM. Called the ob on call and as I suspected, she wanted me to go in right away for fluids. I got my one bag of fluids and a little Zofran and was feeling better - about to be released (discharge papers in hand) - when it all came crashing down. They took my blood pressure one last time and it was 175/109. I was released alright...released from the ER to Labor and Delivery.

Once I got to L&D they did their thing - NST testing, blood work, blood pressure readings, 24-hour urine analysis - and, the scary thing...the steroid shot to boast the baby's lungs in case I needed to deliver at 33 weeks. I spent about a day and a half at the hospital. Came home with "strict bed rest" instructions and an appointment scheduled in the office for a few days later. And the rest is history...bed rest, 2 appointments a week, baby monitoring twice a week, and a weekly ultrasound ever since....a diagnosis that wavers between pregnancy-induced hypertension and mild preeclampsia, depending on if protein shows in my urine. The hospital bag as been packed and is in the car. Essentially, the doc told us that we would be reevaluating what would be "the day" at every appointment.

And then this past weekend, another little jaunt to L&D - I had strong right-side pain under my rib. This was one of two "must call and get checked out" items. With this condition, it could indicate problems with the liver. Everything checked out fine - most likely a foot in the rib :-)

So things have been a little tense, although I can say we have been going with the flow as much as possible. Initially, we were told the he would deliver at 36 weeks at the latest (basically, this Monday). Then we were told 37 weeks. And now, at our last appointment, things were so stabilized that he said we would shoot for the Monday after Thanksgiving (38 weeks). That would be so great! Full-term, so less feeding issues, etc.

That appointment was on Thursday. It has been a nice couple of days since then. When we were told that we would most likely be delivering at 36 weeks, we kicked it into high gear - well, as "high gear" as you can get being on bed rest. We tried to get all the things that we planned on doing over that last month done, and for the most part, we did. So when we were told that we now have a little more time, we've realized that there is truly very little to do but relax. It's been nice.

Hopefully, part of my relaxing will be catching up on all your blogs...I'm so behind. But know you have all been in my thoughts.

97 - Summer is over and school starts!

2009-09-08T05:37:00.001-07:00

So I'm back to teaching tomorrow, and I am looking so forward to it - more so than in years past. I think there are several reasons why. First, I think I am ready to get into a routine and exercise my mind beyond finding baby things on Craig's List and organizing yet another drawer. Second, I will be teaching three courses this semester, which is basically full-time. So on Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll be hanging out on campus all day long; having lunch, running into students, working on curriculum and assignments. I think it is going to have a different feel from the semesters when I only taught one or two classes and would just run in and teach and run out. Third, I definitely think there is some strong maternal instinct going on - I feel a stronger motivation to do a good job - to really give these kids what they are paying for....to inspire them. Maybe I'll watch "Mona Lisa Smiles" tonight to really get in the mood :-).

The semester will be interesting in another way....classes end Dec. 12th, with exams the following week. My due date? Dec. 13th. I know, I'm cutting it a little close. I have already made arrangements for someone to proctor my exams. But who knows if I will go early. Ah well - everyone is advised, and I hope I have things organized enough for someone to somewhat easily takeover if that happens.

So what to do on the last day of probably the best summer of my life? Yesterday, I made a very large, unrealistic "to do" list...as if there will be no more time for anything (even though I will only be teaching 2 days a week) once fall starts. I think I'll work through that list the best I can without stressing about what doesn't get done. Then Alex and I have plans to go to the Saline Community Fair tonight...although it is pouring right now. Whatever we do, I will definitely be sad to see the summer go. I think this is the first time I've felt this way in a very long time.

On the baby front...deals, deals, and more deals. We went garage shopping this weekend and I got a exersaucer that retails for about $80 for $5. Then yesterday I got the EXACT $140 swing we registered for off Craigs List for $45...basically new condition. I'm getting excited for my showers - one is a Dr. Seuss themed family shower and the other one is a English tea friend shower at this very cool Victorian B&B. Oh - and for the first time in our marriage, Alex and I have resorted to sleeping in separate beds. Why, you may ask? Because I now snore like a tortured pig ;-).

Bye bye summer 2009! Hello fall...you have a lot to live up to!

96 - Just livin' life...

2009-08-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

The concept seems so simple, but for those of you who have experienced infertility, you probably understand the magnitude of this statement. I've been absent from the blog world for past month because I've just been livin' life - and it's been wonderful - but not without a grieving period. Only in the last month have I really understood how much I had stopped living life in those 4 years we were trying to conceive.

A quick summary of the last month - Went to Ohio to visit relatives in Columbus and Cincinnati, had a friend come visit us whom we haven't seen in about 4 years (went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair - so much fun), a wonderful reunion up north, a visit to Michigan's upper peninsula for a few days, a visit to the west side of the state to visit my niece's (including the preggo one), and lots of lunches and catch-ups with good friends and family.

On the baby front - our 20 week ultrasound looked great, with no signs of any abnormalities. At my last pregnancy he declared me a "textbook healthy pregnancy". Again, I'm sure many of you understand how this statement was truly music to my ears. In the last four days, I feel the baby A LOT...probably 10-12 times a day. I've also been feeling great lately, and I'm pretty confident that walking everyday is one of the reasons...now, if I can only keep that up during the third trimester. The nursery and registry are complete - I have a couple pics below.

As for the rest of the summer - unfortunately, not much left as classes start Sept. 9th - it is finally time for me to buckle down and get some class prep done and finish up some additional projects on the "nesting" list. Unfortunately, Alex and I will be making a trip to Columbus, Ohio this weekend because his grandmother passed away. We are so grateful that we had the opportunity to see and talk with her just about a month ago. We only wish she had had the chance to meet this little miracle - her great grandchild.

So, sorry for the very unprofound post. It it is clearly a report...I guess that's what happens when you haven't posted for over a month. I plan to spend time today catching up with all of you.

Below are various pics...

24 week belly pic

20 week ultrasound - we aren't finding out the sex, and we are aware of the baby's big schnozz ;-).

The nursery - with the combination of Craig's list and some very good deals, we were able to get all the furniture (crib, dresser, rocker, and bookshelf) for $400. My niece is going to make me a crib skirt with the material laying over the crib.

95 - It's always something...

2009-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

This is the phrase I probably heard the most from my parents while I was growing up - I forget which parent...maybe both. The electricity would go out..."It's always something". Someone would die...."It's always something". The vacuum would break..."It's always something.". So when we got the news that our NT Scan and blood work came back "positive", it is no surprise that "It's always something" was the phrase that ran through my head.

I knew something was up when my ob called on Tuesday and left the following message - "Hey, Christina. It's Dr. H. Give me a ring at the office. I'll be here till 4PM.". Obs just don't call to see how things are going. I figured it out before I called him back that he was probably calling with our results, and since he was calling at all, the results were probably "abnormal". So Alex and I had the discussion before I even talked to the doc. We wouldn't terminate, therefore, we wouldn't follow-up with an amnio.

Yes - it was a positive test. He said the average risk for Down's for someone my age is 1/110. Any test the comes in at a higher risk than the average is considered "positive". With our NT scan, the blood work, and my age, the risk for us came back as 1/60. That means rather than a .5% chance that this baby has Down's, there is a 1.6% chance. Or, another way to think of it is that there is a 98.4% that the baby is fine.

Of course we would have rather had different news, but I am happily surprised about how we have dealt with this. I feel like it is a true reflection of all the hard emotional work we have done has individuals and as a couple. First of all, we know the inaccuracy of this test and we are aware of the high probability of false positives. Secondly, we intimately know someone with Down's - Alex's sister. It is not an unknown to us, which makes any probability of it a lot less scary. I can honestly say this positive test has put little to no damper on the excitement we are feeling about this pregnancy. The part I am happily surprised about is not necessarily our decision itself - I have no judgment about what people decide to do with this information. It is such a personal choice. I am most happily surprised about our clarity and the fact that we are on the same page...whatever that "same page" may be.

I've been feeling movement. I'm getting big. And when I push on my stomach in certain places, I can tell I am feeling the baby's head. We just want to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy with as little medical intervention as possible.

So - in other news, the summer has been great. Perhaps one of our best. After we returned from Dublin, I went on another trip with Alex to Valencia, Spain. It was a beautiful city. We spent a lot of time on the beach. Some women were topless, and I was so tempted to rip my top off as well. I have nice boobs right now. I've never had nice boobs, nor will there probably be another time in my life where they are this nice. I wanted to show them off. But I resisted. Too bad...

This week we are visiting Alex's aunt in Ohio. Then a friend of ours whom we haven't seen in ages is coming up to see us and go to the Ann Arbor Art Fair next weekend. Then we are going to an air show...I'm working the beer tent for our Women in Aviation group. Lots of other summer plans, and the next thing I know, I'll be back teaching and 6 months along. I guess my parents were right...It is always *something* :-).

Some pics from Spain...

94 - Fish and chips and other adventures...

2009-06-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I did make it to Dublin with Alex last week...and got the fish and chips which were delicious. Yes, yes - I do realize the phallic nature of the fish on the plate. HaHa. It was a nice, but quick trip.

We headed to Washington, D.C. to visit his family last Thursday and picked up Emily on Friday. We went to a museum one day, had dinner with friends/family, had a pedicure/manicure, and went to one of our favorite D.C. restaurants - Nam Viet. I absolutely love Vietnamese food. There is just something about it that is so flavorful and comforting to me. It was nice trip. We are now back hanging out in NYC. Alex was on "short call" today which means we couldn't really head into the city. So we relaxed in the crash pad today and had an authentic Italian dinner at a local joint called Vincent's. I'm eating my takeout cannoli as I type. Do you see my trend of focusing mainly on the food?

Tomorrow he will switch to "long call" which means we will be able to trek into the city. The plan is to spend the day at the met and then hopefully venture into the village for dinner. Actually, I don't know very much about New York...I just wanted to sound like I do ;-). If Alex doesn't get a trip by tomorrow night, we'll probably head back to Ann Arbor on Thursday.

As for new news in the world of pregnancy:

1) I got a public recognition at the subway last week when someone offered me their seat.
2) It doesn't matter if I have just emptied my bladder - if I sneeze, there is a 90% chance I will piss myself a little.
3) I love having boobs. Plain and simple.

93 - Will Kill for Food and Hoboken Adventures...

2009-06-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

So, we made it to NYC yesterday. As we were driving to the airport in Detroit, I suddenly felt a sense of panic. It was 11:15ish and our flight departed at 1:30PM. I asked Alex "Can we talk about the food situation and what we are going to do about lunch?". He laughed. This is so out of character for me...I am so not HM (High Maintenance)...well that folks, is slowly a changin' ;-). We decided we would eat at the airport Chili's. I was STARVING when we arrived there about 12:15PM...and this was after consuming a Danish in the car to the airport. After what seemed like hours (but I'm sure was only like 5 minutes), a waitress stopped by and said "I'll be right with you"...more "hours" seemed to have passed. I felt like I was going to strangle her if she didn't get "us" food pronto. Seriously. There is this instinct inside of me now that makes me believe that I could really hurt somebody over food. I think Alex got scared of the smoke rising from the top of my head and my red, possessed eyes...he talked to the hostess and she took our order.

Flight was great - first class. God, I love first class. I'll admit - I am a total diva when it comes to first class travel...because with our travel benefits, it is how we travel probably 95% of the time. How spoiled am I? So much so that when we thought we were going to have to sit in coach the whole 1 1/2 hours from DTW to NYC, I bitched (Alex did too, actually). Oh no - it wasn't good enough we were flying for free. Here's an admission - sometimes, I won't go with Alex on trips across the Atlantic if there aren't 1st class seats available. I know, total diva. But this is my only diva thing...I buy clothes at thrift shops and get my hair trimmed at Fantastic Sams. Truly.

So once we arrived in NYC, we went to his "crash pad" (the place were he stays when he is in NYC waiting for trips) in Howard Beach. I'm glad I got the chance to see it - it makes me feel better about him being here as it is a nice place. Then at about 5PM we decided to do the hour and a half trek across to Hoboken. Have any of you seen the TLC show "Cake Boss"? Well, the bakery is in Hoboken. We went there. I was surprised that the bakery was pretty much empty. We bought some pastries, and as we were walking out, I asked Alex to take my picture...just as he was doing so, "Mama Maria" came out. She was so excited that we were taking a picture in front of the bakery - she struck up a conversation and got in a picture with me. As she was walking away, she said "We're on tonight -10PM, TLC". Then she proceeded to tell her friend how exciting it was that people would actually want their picture taken in front of the bakery. Ahh, sweet Mama Maria...so new to fame. Give it a couple of months...I bet her excitement will slowly ween.

We had dinner at the Sushi Lounge...vegetarian for me, of course. It was delicious. Then we met up with this girl we knew from our college who is also a pilot for Delta and had "drinks" at this very chic bar called Lua. It had such a great view of the city. Of course, my "drinks" consisted of a virgin dacari and a couple of cups of mint tea, but it was still fun. We socialized for about 3 hours, then started the trek home at about 11PM...I won't go into details, but we got home at 2AM...I'll just leave it at that. It was a great day.

So today, Alex has a trip to Dublin leaving at about 7PM. Mmmmm...Irish pubs mean fish and chips...It looks like there is a pretty good chance I'll get on (1st class, of course, in my thrift shop duds). As for today, our plans were to hang out in the city, maybe go to an art museum and have lunch in Little Italy, but it is pouring and thundering right now, so who knows.

****

In other big news...my niece is pregnant! That's right - my NIECE. So here's the scoop - my sis is 17 years older than I am and had her kids pretty young. My niece is actually 26. Did you think it was a teenage "oops" story? Nope - they (her and my nephew-in-law) will be bringing the baby into a planned and stable situation. Her due date is February 2nd (mine is now somewhere around Dec. 13th). Our kids will be very close in age...and will hopefully have a close relationship as well!

92 - NT Scan

2009-06-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was our NT Scan. Everything is fine. It is amazing how they make that determination by measuring the very small neck fold. See that bright spot at the base of the neck? They want it under 3.0mm. It was. Above 3.0mm would indicate a high probability for Down's.

Once Alex and I made the determination that we would have the test, we also had the discussion about what we would do with the information. We would do nothing except be a little more prepared for the news when the baby arrived.

Alex has a sister, Emily, who has Down's. She is one amazing human being. She gives and receives love better than most. She lives in a very nice group home with a couple other girls and a house mom. Her house is also nicer than most homes in appearance. She works at Subway - has been for several years. She loves to shop, listen to her CDs, and watch TV. She really loves to watch TV - so much so that when she was limited on her TV viewing time, she took about 15 pictures of the TV screen throughout an episode of Full House, printed them, and made a "Full House" book that she could look at when the TV was required to be off. Brilliant. She also is a supreme judge of character. If Emily is not showering someone with affection - beware - it is probably not someone who deserves it.

So for us, the decision what to do with this NT Scan information was clear. Of course we are thrilled that everything is fine, but we are also pretty convinced the world would be a better place with more Emilys.

And Emily, if you really did run for President, I would totally vote for you!

More to write...hopefully I'll fit in another post before I start traveling with Alex tomorrow.

91 - Tazmanian Devil unleashed...

2009-06-03T04:35:00.001-07:00

Yes, the second trimester is here...and my inner Tazmanian Devil has made an appearance. I am bouncing off the walls with energy...as if I am making up for all the down time in the first trimester. Here is just a sample of one of my days lately...

6AM-10AM - Wake up bright eyed, and spend 4 hours catching up on about 30 friend emails I've neglected and submitting work-related paperwork and insurance forms.
10AM-12PM - Decide it is time to clean out the pantry, fridge, and freezer. Lay a bunch of stuff to cook on the counter.
12PM-1PM - Decide to do some touch up painting in the dining room.
1PM-1:30PM - shower, but also decide to paint my nails.
1:30-3PM - Errands, including the tailor, the post office, the grocery store, and a half hour walk around the mall for exercise.
3PM-4PM - Pick up Alex at the airport. Stop for a little ice cream treat on the way home.
4PM-6PM - Cook. Cook. Cook...all that stuff I cleaned out from the pantry. I had about 4 pots going on the stove and a couple of things in the oven. Alex walked in and his eyes got really big...he said something along the lines of "I really like the second trimester".
6PM-8PM - Went to a Women in Aviation Chapter meeting at the airport.
8PM-9:15PM - Had dinner with Alex and a fellow Women in Aviation member.
9:15-12AM - Had some friends over...actually, this family I use to babysit for from when I was 12 till when I was about 18.

Now does the above picture make sense? And this started about 3 days ago and hasn't let up...I think I am having a small taste of what it is like to be on Speed.

Lots more to write about. Yesterday, I had a meeting with the university where I teach at in regards to fall and winter semesters. I'll right more details later. And I think I am going to do some traveling with Alex in the next few weeks...and...and...and...

I trust that even Tazmanian Devils get tired at some point?

90 - Our 28/38 baby...

2009-05-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

This is the title of the email I sent to our CC.RM nurse with an ultrasound pic attachment. What is the significance? 28/38 were our first two betas. Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks in the eyes of CCRM - although the baby measured 11w3d at today's ultrasound. Completely on track since the first ultrasound at 5w6d, but I think we will officially celebrate the end of my first trimester this weekend.

My BF, Lauren, and her son Aaron came with me to this appointment because Alex is out of town. They weren't going to do an ultrasound, only the doppler to hear the heartbeat. But when the ob saw that I brought my BF along, he did an ultrasound anyway. I really like him, and this just sealed the deal. And it was on top - not transvaginal! What a treat after so many transvaginals throughout this infertility process.

I also graduated from CCRM today. No more meds. My nurse said that after being on the bottom for so long, I was actually graduating at the top... without meds, my progestorone was 44 and my estrogen was 1200.

So really - only one baby in there? After 5 ultrasounds, I guess they are right. Seriously, I look a lot bigger than 11w3d. The scale at my ob says I've only gained 2 lbs this trimester, but I think the camera is saying something different...

ADDITION: I have one box of Endometrin and about 16 vivelle patches left. I'll send them to whoever needs them , shipping on me. Just send me an email. First come, first serve :-). I know our insurance didn't cover then Endometrin until I was pregnant, and it was over $125 a box...and those patches weren't so cheap either. So someone please take advantage of this. You can email me at acdispatch@yahoo.com.

89 - It's the same, right?

2009-05-18T13:44:00.001-07:00

I read in one of those pregnancy books this cute little suggestion that you should make the most of your time with your pets before the baby comes...that your relationship with your pet with never be the same. That's what I'm doing in the above pic - aside from trying real hard not to puke, I'm making the most of my time with my Kharma.

So the other night, DH and I were lying wide awake in bed. I hesitantly said "Please be honest with me. Have you thought "what have we done?" at any moment in the past two months?" Silence. Followed by a very comforting "Yes.". Thank goodness! I felt so much better. I have too. I've been reassured by many that this is a normal and healthy feeling, but for some reason, after going through infertility and trying so much harder than the average couple to make this happen, I didn't think we'd have those moments. I slept well that night, knowing that even though we have fears, at least we both have them.

The next morning, I was cuddling with Kharma on the loveseat at the top of the stairs while Alex was getting ready in our bathroom. Our conversation went something like (not exactly like, but you get the idea) the following:

ME: "You know how we leisurely wake up at 9AM, then Kharma sleeps till about 10:30AM at which point she often just quietly sits at the foot of the bed and waits for me to come get her? It's going to be the same with a baby, right?

HIM: Of course. And you know how when her food is gone, she just stares at you for while, and if you don't respond because she has already gotten her allocated food for the day, she eventually stops staring and goes and lays down under the end table. That's the same with baby, too?

ME: Absolutely. And you know how when it's raining how we skip out on the walk and instead just let her out in the backyard to do her business and then we pick it up about once week or so? Same right?

HIM: Sure. And you know how once every 6-8 weeks we hand her over to someone else to get groomed. Those services exist for babies, right?

ME: Why not? Oh and those last minute trips where we jet off to Europe for the weekend and call up grandma and gramps or L (also last minute) to take care of Kharma...same thing with the kid?

HIM: Ummmm.....

Ah well, we got a good laugh. I'm glad we are openly discussing our fears and concerns with a touch of humor.

We are sorting things out. Thanks for the helpful comments on the last post. Since then, DH has been great. He set little baggies of saltines in various locations around the house and refills them when they get empty (which happens a lot these days). He leaves Wednesday morning for a possible long stint away, so this morning he stocked the fridge with good food...he obviously did some research, informing me he got some walnuts "for the omegas" and dried ginger "for the tummy"...and he noticed my feet have been exceptionally dry, so he also picked up some Burt's Bees foot lotion. I loved all the gestures...they were very thoughtful. Not the typical "here's some flowers" to smooth things over, but gestures that were very specific to pregnancy - things I really need right now. I was impressed - even more impressed when I found him reading my "I'm Pregnant, Now what do I Eat?" book :-).

88- Miss Independent

2009-05-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Ok - a little venting folks.

My husband, I love him...but as in all marriages, we have our struggles. I think a pregnancy has the potential to bring some the struggles to the forefront. At least that is how I feel today.

Our biggest hurdle over the almost 11 years of our marriage has been our basic lifestyle - he being gone for about half the month, every month. This lifestyle was at it's toughest when he was gone about three weeks in a row every month...this toughest part lasted for 4 years...and when I say "gone", I'm talking Europe, the Middle East and Hong Kong "gone". Things are better now - he is still gone roughly half the month (some months a little less), but the days are broken up into 3 or 4 day increments. It's manageable. I don't love it, obviously, but I've worked out how to live this way...perhaps a little too well.

As a result of this lifestyle, which has just magnified my preexisting stubborn and independent personality, I have learned to function best by myself. I'm use to running the house by myself, making decisions by myself, caring for myself. I've had to learn how to do this. And my dear husband is use to me doing all this as well. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be cared for and protected. I think I realized this when my parents and BF were such a great help when I was on bed rest...and I was open to their help (albeit a little "discussion"). When my dear husband and I get into this discussion (which, by the way, is the one we have been having over and over for the last 11 years without much progress...our broken record "discussion"), his response is always "but you are so strong, capable, and independent, I thought you would be insulted if I did so and so for you.". Sometimes I feel that I could tell him that I was going to South America on a safari through the Amazon right now, 9 weeks pregnant, and his response would be "have fun - I know you'll be safe and make good choices". Meant to be a compliment, I know, but then why does it invoke rage in me? I guess it is because it makes me feel even more alone than I already physically am a lot of the time. And now, with a bun in the oven, feeling alone is a scary emotion.

So what brought this need to vent on? Making my husband lunch yesterday after working in the garden, then we went out to dinner last night (my arrangements and suggestion), then I made breakfast for him this morning. Oh then, he makes lunch for himself today without asking me if he can get me anything. And finally, we were suppose to do something fun today - something where I could get out of the house a little after the days of bed rest. I backed off and gave him the reins to let him come up with something and make it happen. Nothing happened. This post is about the only thing that happened today.

Ok, enough. Damn hormones.

87 - Good News

2009-05-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of bed rest, things are looking up. I can't believe the above pictures - clearly looking like a baby. How did that flashing dot turn into this? Blows my mind away. Even comparing the pictures from one week ago to today's pic...

Baby now measures 9w0d (after measuring 7w3d at the same office one week ago) with a strong heartbeat and...movement! It was great to see the little miracle wiggling. It looked happy. I don't know how else to say it, but when I saw the screen, the first thing that came to my mind was "that's a happy baby".

And here's the craziest thing - no obvious large subchorionic hematoma. Actually, our ob couldn't find anything remarkable (except the baby, of course!). I didn't have any more spotting all weekend until last night at my night endometrin insert...then there it was - a dash a red blood on the tip. I'm not saying that there wasn't a hematoma when I went to the ER, but I wonder if some of the spotting could also be cervical due to being on these inserts three times a day for the past 8 weeks. The ob said "who knows" and advised me to stay on moderate rest (no lifting, exercising, etc.) until the next appointment in 2 weeks. Gladly. I am so grateful that I do not have any obligations right now (school's out)...I can't imagine dealing with all these ups and downs with any added stress. Plus, I find that it has given me the time to do a little daydreaming - which I am starting to value so much.

Thank you so much for all your continued support!

86 - SCH, of course.

2009-05-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Subchorionic Hematoma. Buh-Bye St. Thomas. Hello SERIOUS bedrest until Monday morning when I have another appointment with my ob/gyn. I spent about 6 hours in the ER yesterday. Baby is fine. Baby is great, actually. Measured 8w4d (after measuring 7w3d on Monday). Heartbeat was 147. I got to hear it for the first time. But I have a "large" subchorionic hematoma which caused me to bleed yesterday - hence the trip to the ER. My ob/gyn was quite concerned by the size and recommended "serious bed rest" until Monday. Dr. S at CCRM sounded like he had more experience with these.

Shit. Seriously? Haven't I had my share of ups and downs in the pregnancy so far? How am I feeling? PISSED OFF.

Alex was on his way to Venice when this happened. I called him at 3:30AM this morning and had him get on the next plane home. He's home now.

My BF and her son, Aaron (coolcapcutie.blogspot.com) met me at the ER, thank goodness. Aaron was such a great distraction. He even got a little ride in my bed as they wheeled me to the ultrasound. She also came by this morning with some beautiful tulips, a Hollywood smut magazine, and a nice meal for Alex and I. Then my parents were here the rest of the day, pampering me and stocking my fridge. I felt very cared for by all.

Any experience with SCHs?

BTW - they drew my HCG yesterday. 95,000. I know this is meaningless without a follow-up (which we will do on Monday), but it was so surreal to see that number since we were at 190 at our last beta.

85 - Lots of good pics...

2009-05-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our second ultrasound - first ultrasound measured 5w6d; this one measured 7w3d (+-5d), so we are on track for growth and the heartbeat was "normal"...although I couldn't pin her down to a number. Still shocked. Still can't wrap my head around how my crazy numbers turned into this beating heart. Just so you all don't think I'm an eternal pessimist, our CC.RM nurse said that she hadn't seen numbers like ours turn into a heartbeat in the 20+ years she has worked in the field. We're thrilled, and after yesterday, my guard has come down more. Really, at this point, is there any other option?

Alex and I are going on vacation next week. Our friends that we stayed with in Colorado have rented a beautiful house in St. Thomas and have invited us to join them. Although I won't be enjoying foo-foo drinks on the beach, I am looking forward to a week of staring at the ocean and day-dreaming about the future. This is the pool at the house they've rented. We can't wait!

84 - Life in numbers...

2009-04-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

That is what life in the world of infertility is - even post positive pregnancy. Up until Monday I was getting my blood drawn every other day in an attempt to wean me off the meds. No weaning now until after our second ultrasound on Monday. My progesterone looks fine (I'm on the supps. and they are pleased with anything over 6), but as you can see, my estrogen is all over the place. They finally gave up on the weaning and gave me the week off from blood draws. For the first time since mid March, I can enjoy a week without numbers.

Estradiol and Progesterone (* indicate no reading)

1300 11
550 17
1100 15
1600 *
450 *
850 18

I know estrogen numbers are lower with frozen embryo transfers, and I always keep in mind what Phoebe says about how it is more important what is in the uterus than what is in the blood stream (very helpful, Phoebe), but does anyone have any additional insight about the estradiol? I really don't understand its role.

I feel stupid. I really thought that I would either not get pregnant from this frozen embryo transfer or get pregnant and that would be it - a "normal" pregnancy to just sit back and enjoy. Bahahaha! I am not complaining - I am so grateful we have gotten as far as we have, but this is so far from a normal, naturally conceived pregnancy.

For those of you who don't know about frozen embryo transfers (and for those who do, please correct me if I'm wrong) - my body was basically "shut down"(via birth control pills) and then restarted (via artificial hormones) prior to transferring the embryos. In a natural pregnancy, your body is already producing progesterone and estrogen from your natural cycle. But since I didn't have a natural cycle, these artificial hormones are all my body has until the placenta kicks in (I think between 9-12 weeks). Hence, the close, obsessive monitoring.

Monday we'll have some more news with the ultrasound - here's hoping for a heartbeat and good growth...and 7 more months without so many numbers!

83 - Bright spots that come and go...

2009-04-21T05:03:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday, after our yet-another confusing report of good progesterone and low estrogen, I was talking to my mentor at the university about this pregnancy. She knows the details. She knows the crazy number game we've been playing. After this last conversation she placed her hands on my shoulders and said "Christina, this pregnancy doesn't surprise me in the slightest. You do everything your own way. You are never in the "normal" range in anything you do - be it on the good side of normal or the bad side. Why would the pregnancy be any different?".

Yesterday, I realized how right she was as I stared at the ultrasound screen and saw bright spots come and go from our peppercorn within that little black sac.

We saw a strong heartbeat and the measurement was good - a few days behind, but right on target if this was a late implanter. I know we are not out of the woods, but for the first time since this started I accepted the "congratulations" as we checked out of our ob/gyn's office without rolling my eyes and making a sarcastic comment to Alex.

We are in shock. I was going to recap the beta numbers, but instead I am just going to post our first ultrasound pic this afternoon. We are not going to look back on this. As of now, we are just any other pregnancy with a heartbeat. I really expected to see an ectopic or an empty sac or a sac with a fetal pole and no heartbeat, but not this. What was my profound reaction to this little miracle? I just kept saying "Holy shit!" over and over as I stared at the screen. Classy.

I'll post the pic this afternoon. Thank you all for keeping some hope about this when I had absolutely none.

Next - another ultrasound in two weeks and weening off the drugs.

4/20/2009

82 - Of course. Can anything be perfect?

2009-04-15T03:41:00.000-07:00

This was Alex's text response from Istanbul late last night after I sent him the following message:

"good and bad. Progest up, estrogen down."

My progesterone is right on target, but my estrogen plummeted - so much so that they have added an additional estrace pill at night. I asked the nurse if this was unusual - to see one up and the other down - she said somewhat. She also said that even though my estrogen is still above what they would like to see at this point, she added the extra estrace because she doesn't want to take any chances with this "crazy situation".

That is what this is labeled - a "crazy situation". Yup - that's about right.

Here is the crazy thing - we closed this up on Friday, April 3rd when we got the news of our low, non-doubling second beta number. I was thrilled at the clarity we experienced that day, and saw it as something special. Not that we didn't grieve - we did. But it felt like we had been doing all our grieving over the past 7 months since our fresh cycle. We had always said all along that we weren't cycling again - that we would go straight into adoption...but we were also open to changing that decision. We knew that we would only know the answer if this FET cycle failed. To us, it failed on April 3rd. And everything became clear that afternoon. That afternoon, we knew how close we got - this was our first ivf cycle, we got blasts that both made it through the thaw, and I got pregnant, be it a chemical or not. The chance of this working at some point is probably pretty high. We know that. And even with that knowledge, there is not a ounce of us the wants to give this another go.

I finally have the courage to say this - we don't want a biological child bad enough to do this again. That afternoon, it became clear - although we were sad, it felt like everything was falling into place as it should...we were meant to adopt. I fell in love a little more with my husband....I know a lot of guys often aren't into adoption and kind of see it as a "last option" - but not my husband. He's excited about it. He doesn't have any hang ups about it. I really see this as special, and I'm grateful.

I hauled out all the info we had collected throughout the fall. We had narrowed down the agency we wanted to work with, and I found myself getting excited and feeling almost "privileged" about our path in life.

And then our "crazy situation" happened that following Monday. My beta started doubling normally. Before we started infertility treatments, I had fantasized about how I would feel if I became pregnant...it would be this utopia-type feeling and all would be right with the world....at least my world. I think it is the combination of our rough start and our surprisingly peaceful closure - but I will tell you that what I am feeling right now is far from utopia. It is more like "please just let this not be an ectopic"...I'm in denial that there is a chance that this is viable.

The whole situation brought to light something I've been working on in terms of personal growth. Give me lemons and I will make lemonade - and pretty quickly. My coping skills in bad situations are above average. It's not that I am detached and don't feel - I feel deeply - but I am usually able to work through those feelings and function in a healthy way - thanks to years of hard work in therapy.

But give me lemonade?

I freak out. I want to immediately pour it down the sink. Give me my lemons back. I know what to do with those. The lemons will keep me busy - they will allow me create something out of nothing. But to sit here and enjoy a glass of lemonade? Even a little? It puts me far out of my comfort zone.

And here we sit with our small glass of lemonade - I'm still pregnant, even if it is a "crazy situation" with lots of risks. My goal in the days between now and the ultrasound is to allow myself to drink a little - even if they are only tiny, cautious sips.

81 - Looks like an ultrasound?

2009-04-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

Beta #4: 190

CCRM likes to see at least an increase of 66% in 48 hours. This was a 68% increase in 24 hours. Again, WTF.

Estrogen: 1311
Prog. : 12 (they said anything above 6 if using the supp.)

No more Hcg tests...an estrogen/prog. test next week. Then perhaps an ultrasound on April 21st? They sent me the script. And gave me a due date of December 9th. BaaaaHahaha...those CCRM folks sure have a sick sense of humor...

My nurse sounded shocked and confused. Me too.

I'm sorry I'm such a slacker on the comments the last couple of days...I hope to catch up tomorrow morning. Thank you so much for the support.

Question: And I truly want honest answers: Has anyone had an ectopic with doubling and more than doubling numbers? Right now, that's my biggest concern. I may push for more Hcg testing...

80 - WTF...

2009-04-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

So when the nurse called today I said, "please put me out of my misery", meaning "tell me my number is like 5 or something so I can stop the meds and call the adoption agency". Nope. Of course not. Apparently, I can't even fail something in an easy, straightforward manner.

Beta #3: 114

Exactly where is should be if it has been doubling since Friday, but still low for what it should be today overall.

I'm headed to the pharmacy now for more meds. F' me. There is no joy in this. Most women would be excited to some extent to get this news. It doubled perfectly. But no - not us IFers. We know too much. So here we sit - waiting for the bomb to drop...fighting hope from creeping in.

I have to retest again tomorrow. And then probably again the next day.

It's a hard spot - I'm "pregnant", but in no way do I think of myself as such. I think now I would only ever consider myself pregnant at 36 weeks, in the hospital having contractions. Not only does infertility f'up most other parts of your life, but it sucks a lot of the joy out of a possible pregnancy.

Sorry about dropping the f'bomb so much. This is a very confusing emotion I am dealing with right now.

79- Self-imposed closure...

2009-04-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently the universe decided that we "needed" beta hell and most likely a chemical/ectopic pregnancy.

Beta #1: 28
Beta #2: 38
Beta #3: Monday - yes, that's right. CC.RM has requested that I stay on the meds until Monday and restest. Do they think I live in a cave? I know statistically what these numbers mean, but I think this is just their policy until the beta starts going down.

In our minds, this is obviously a BFN. Closure - we've decided that without the help from CC.RM. Game over. We ain't playin' again.

I'm surprised by how I feel today (I can't say the same for the last couple). Somewhat content. Ready to move on and plan the summer and beyond. I think because I realize that where we are today is exactly where I expected to be...I never had a ton of hope about this cycle. That changed a little when we saw the embryo hatching, but if I am really true to myself, there wasn't much hope prior to that time. We really thought of going through this FET as "checking the box" so that we could start the adoption process. And here we sit - box checked. In the last few days we have been forced again to really evaluate what we did this all for - for us, being parents has been about 90% of the reason and there are many amazing ways to be parents.

There was a little "hiccup" (for lack of a better word) in the middle of all this, even before the 29 beta. I started testing positive on those EVIL sticks 3 days prior to the beta. Whenever I heard people call them evil, I always thought they were evil because of false negatives. Well, folks, I am an example of a false positive. I mean, I know that technically if the HCG in your blood is above 5 or so, you are "pregnant"...but not really....not until that beta doubles. I'm not trying to put a dark cloud over anyone's positive pee stick, but I now understand why they say "DON'T TEST!" with IVF.

I've read that over 80% of women in child-bearing years will experience a chemical pregnancy, but a vast majority will never know about it. They will just get their period a day or two late and it might be a little heavy - that lovely ignorant bliss that we IFer's don't have the luxury of experiencing. For us, that "ignorant bliss" is replaced by fortunes spent in pee sticks, several days of being poked, and hours sitting by the phone waiting to hear that "magic number".

Gosh - I feel like I have so much to write - next steps, big summer travel plans, how lucky I feel to be married to my husband right now (you notice how I say "right now"...I am very aware of the nature of marriage ;-)) - but I'll save it for another post. I know this is a lot to digest considering our somewhat secretive nature about it all.

ADDITION: I guess I can now mention that I had the chance to meet Phoebe from Tales of the Phoenix while out in Colorado...it was so great to meet a fellow blogger in real life. As you may know, our FETs were one day apart. It was a such a comfort for me to have a cycle bud. Hey - brainstorm - clinics should really arrange "cycle buddies". Wouldn't that be great? Anyway, I had hoped we would be on the same side of the fence...we are...just the WRONG side :-(.

78 - No title

2009-03-31T13:48:00.000-07:00

I love coming up with titles to blog posts...witty ones - it is one of my favorite parts of this creative outlet. But as I thought about what I was going to write today, no title developed. I don't know why, and I didn't have the energy to sit here all day.

So we will know soon - if this FET was successful or not. This has caused me to think about our infertility journey...even more deeply than I have in the past. I'd like to think it will be over soon - either way. But I know that is far from true. The struggles of the last 4 years will always be a part of me, of us. Here are some things about it that will stick regardless of the outcome....

-I've met some incredible women through this blog world....INCREDIBLE. Women of such strength, courage, and brilliance. Role models. Women I want to be like when I grow up. Women who are awesome mothers - regardless if their children are in the flesh and blood or if their children are invisible (like in Davs post). They have taught me so many different things - to have the courage to be vulnerable and honest and to put it "out there" so that others won't feel alone...they've inspired me to want to cook more :-)...they've made me laugh...they've made me feel "normal" (if there is such a thing) in a situation that can make you feel so alienated. They've truly been my strength in so many cases. I will forever be grateful for the women in the blogs. I would totally want you all as IRL friends!

-Infertility has a very unique sort of pain that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it...or have gone through something that no matter how hard you work, no matter how much research you do, no matter how much money you spend, no matter how "good" you are, you have relatively no impact on the outcome. Until infertility, I hadn't been through something like that. I believed all my limitations were choices. If I wanted something, I either worked my ass off and got it or decided that I wanted to spend my energy elsewhere. I had never been in a situation where I couldn't work my ass off to "get it"...whatever "it" was. I've been humbled. And through it all I have developed a deep empathy and understanding for those in situations where they are limited by something...where they can't just work their asses off to fix it....where they truly have to make their peace with their fate because the options have run out. It's an understanding that is difficult to get at a heart level unless you have direct experience. I feel so much more for the mentally and physically disabled...for those in nursing homes without family...for that kid who lives in the slums of India and must take care of his siblings. Not that infertility compares to any of those cases directly, but the feeling of being trapped is universal. I get sad more since the infertility...I probably always will. I use to think it was infertility directly that caused the sadness, but looking back, I realize that I think I have just developed a level of empathy that didn't exist until this journey. And I don't really view that as a bad thing...I'm learning that the more you open yourself to understanding others' pain, the more you are also open to experiencing their joy.

-My husband and I are stronger than ever. We're not perfect, we struggle, but we are strong. Somehow we have managed to convert a situation that often rips marriages apart into something that strengthened us. Actually, and this is totally honest, some of our best times together have been while we've been going through treatments. I know that many of you have experienced the same...it is something to be grateful for. And when children do make it into our home (biological or adopted...or both), I know that we will be stronger parents as a result of our struggles along this journey.

-Frankly, infertility sucks. Big time. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It is not the path I would have chosen, and even given the above statements, I am not going to say "I'm so grateful it worked out this way"....whatever "this way" ends up being. Truthfully, I would much rather forgone all the personal growth and wisdom, and have spent the $30,000 elsewhere and have gotten knocked up after a night of fabulous sex with my husband. But for some reason that song keeps running through my head...."You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find...you get what you need"...

I plan on catching up on all my blog buds tonight and tomorrow...I'm sorry for the neglect, but I know you can all relate. Sometimes energy is just sucked up trying to make it through a day...regardless of what kind of day it is.

77 - Risky honesty

2009-03-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

So this is a risky post, but I'm going to do it anyway. It is how I've felt since my last post.

About a week ago, at my therapy session, I had a HUGE breakthrough. For the last year and a half, there has been some major angst between my therapist and I. She says that I am one of her most stubborn, controlling clients. I agree, completely. I've yelled. I've hung up on her. I've refused to talk in sessions when she was pissing me off. Yes, yes, all behavior quite becoming of a 34 year old :-). Last session she expressed concern that maybe our relationship was over. She thought there was a chance she was doing more harm than good at this point, and that although she really cared about me, it is her job as a therapist to HELP me. I lost it. LOST IT. I'm talking sobbing, shaking, head in my hands, unable to speak. Neither of us said anything for about 15 minutes. I won't go into details, but through this somewhat extreme expression of emotion, the air was cleared, and our relationship has since returned to what it was in the good ole' days - where she constantly challenges my personal growth as human being, and I accept the challenge and work my ass off.

In that moment of sobbing, one thing came out of my mouth - "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?". The thing is, infertility didn't even cross my mind when I made that comment. Life's been hard. There has been some really bad shit. I won't go into details - I mostly keep it to myself (with the exception of my therapist, husband, and a few IRL friends). Nothing comes easy. I feel like I constantly fight demons. And in that moment with my therapist, all the exhaustion and pain of all of it came out. And I realized that infertility was actually just a very small slice of my trials and tribulations.

I also realized that I am maxed out with the trauma..at least the self-inducing kind. For me, the shots, the blood work, the speculum, the emotional heartache of the infertility procedures is trauma. I can't keep doing it - not even for the possibility of a child. And in no way does that mean I want children any less. If this FET is unsuccessful, we will pursue adoption...but I think our decisions for that will be more based on the "path of least resistance"...if there is such a thing in the adoption process - I realize there may not be.

Here's the thing - I have felt AWESOME this past week. The best I have felt in two years. I literally lost 2 lbs out of the blue - so symbolic of the emotional weight that was lifted. My energy level has been through the roof. It feels like good things have been falling out of the sky and landing right in front of me.

So we leave for Colorado to "pick up the kids" soon. Of course, this week, that was the topic in therapy. When my therapist asked me how I was feeling about it, I tried to dig very deep for the true answer. Here's where I may lose some of you...what came out of my mouth was "I don't care. I don't care what happens. And I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't figure out any other words to use to describe how I'm feeling.". She smiled big and said, "I think what you mean is that you are ready to give up control.". Yes, that's it! It doesn't mean that I won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, and it doesn't mean that I won't be devastated if we don't. It just means that I really get, at a heart level, that it is completely out of my hands. What a relief. I'm so grateful that this moment happened when it did - the timing couldn't have been better.

So my prep for this FET has been so different than our fresh cycle. I was obsessed with my diet with the fresh cycle. Obsessed. It was a full-time job for the three months prior. I was obsessed with everything - all the "dos" and "don'ts" I had read about. But this time, I mean, I'm not abusing myself or anything, but I'm so much more relaxed. Although I have been generally good about the caffeine thing, yesterday, as I was prancing around Target (yes, ladies, with completed lipstick :-)), I even got myself a small diet pepsi - I wanted one so badly. It was great. I enjoyed it immensely because I know that my one small diet pepsi is not going to make the difference in whether or not we get pregnant. This week, I've finally really understood at a heart level that I'm not that powerful - what a relief!

76 - My first "official" blog awards

2009-03-06T04:05:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix for my first blog award! I'm a little stressed about the "one word" limitation :-), but here's my best shot...

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

1. Where is your cell phone? downstairs
2. Where is your significant other? Istanbul
3. Your hair color? blond
4. Your mother? pretty
5. Your father? sober (great job, dad! Sorry, I HAD to add that little note)
6. Your favorite thing? connection
7. Your dream last night? sad
8. Your dream/goal? contentment
9. The room you're in? nursery ;-)
10. Your hobby? blogging
11. Your fear? isolation
12. Where do you want to be in six years? wiser
13. Where were you last night? sushi
14. What you're not? big-breasted
15. One of your wish list items? sunshine
16. Where you grew up? Michigan
17. The last thing you did? commented
18. What are you wearing? pajamas
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? awesome
21. Your computer? on
22. Your mood? ever-changing
23. Missing someone? Sam & Aaron (ok, no way I could just say one)
24. Your car? Jetta
25. Something you're not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? Whole Foods
27. Your Summer? hopeful
28. Love someone? Alex
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I believe that most on my blog roll have received this award at some point...what can I say - I'm a "quality" kind of gal :-). If you haven't, consider yourself tagged by me...and consider it "official" :-).

Also, thank you to Onwardandsideways for my official "Honest Scrap" award, although I took it upon my self to accept Davs at Planet Davila open invitation. I know I could do another list of ten different honest things, but I think I would be venturing into TMI territory then :-).

Again, I think most of you have participated in this one...if not, please do. It's fun...I think for both the reader and the blogger.

Have a good weekend everyone! I plan to be absent from the blog world this weekend in an attempt to catch up on some school stuff. I don't have that shut-off thing where I can say "enough is enough" and get back to work, so I have to avoid blog land all together. I get reading and hours and hours and hours go by. Seductive stuff, isn't it?

Hey - I can't get Onwardandsideways or Planet Davila to hyperlink..any ideas?

75 - 10 honest things about myself

2009-02-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

So I saw this on Davs blog. Fun. Here are 10 honest things about myself.

1) I am a "regular" at a donut/deli shop down the street from our house called Dimo's. On my worst days (and even on some of my good days) I walk in at about 6:30AM and ask for my "usual". Here is the honest part - my "usual" is a buttermilk donut (usually still warm I must add) and a small diet pepsi. I do it 1-2 times a week. Yes, girls, I did give this up about 2-3 months prior to cycling last summer and have recently given it up as we prepare for our upcoming FET...but it was hard. They put crack in their buttermilks.

2) About our upcoming FET...yes, it's true. We are heading back to Colorado in the near future. Alex and I have decided to keep the specifics (including the specific date of it) on the DL. We decided that we want to tell our IRL people about the success/failure on our terms, in our own time.

3) I really, really struggle with being vulnerable...except when I write. I will pour my heart out on paper, but ask me to share that depth in a one-on-one conversation and I often freeze and become stone cold - somewhat robotic. I rarely cry in front of people. My closest friends, friends I've known for 25+ years would probably say that they can count the times they've seen me cry on one hand. Sadly, my husband would probably say the same thing. Yet I'm deeply sensitive and empathetic...I just hold it all in and let it out in private. This is honest - and something I would really like try to change in myself.

4) The reason I didn't become a professional pilot is because I couldn't learn how to solely trust my instruments in the airplane. I got my private pilot's license with no problems, but I struggled tremendously with the instrument training - no visual reference to the outside...you must trust that your instruments are correct and keeping you from colliding into the ground. I couldn't do it. This really is a commentary about my general trust in the world. Thank goodness I was able to be honest with myself. Failure to be honest with myself in this case could have killed me...literally.

5) I love hymns. LOVE THEM! That's right folks - this free thinkin', spiritually confused, somewhat-pagan loves good ole' traditional hymns. Blessed Assurance, Crown Him with Many Crowns, Amazing Grace, Great is Thy Faithfulness...all of them. In fact, in the spirit of finding relaxation techniques for our upcoming FET, I went into a Christian bookstore today and bought a CD of hymns. Where does this love come from you may ask? I was a church pianist/organist for about 7 years...another honest tidbit.

6) This aviation lifestyle is hard - really hard. The divorce rate in aviation (in situations where one person flys) is about 85%...add the layer of infertility struggles and, statistically, Alex and I have about a 5% - 10% chance of making it for the long haul. But we're doing it (approaching 11 years in marriage), and I'm proud of us...honestly, though, we are doing it because we WORK OUR ASSES OFF at it. It is not an easy road and we do not have a perfect marriage...thank goodness we are both willing to work our asses off.

7) Speaking of that...here's something totally honest. I DO feel like a glamorous, jet-setter when I travel with Alex. Especially when I get first class and he comes back on his break, all spiffed up in his pilot uniform, and I lean over and whisper in his ear, "Is there a Mrs. Pilot, Mr. Pilot?"...and then we giggle and all the surrounding passengers look at us. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a movie set. Honestly, it is a ton of fun.

8) Sometimes I go to bed without brushing my teeth. I don't know why. I've talked about it in therapy before - she says it is because I don't do well with self-care. I say it's because I get lazy at night. Who knows - but I do know it's gross. My mouth feels really disgusting in the morning.

9) There are only a very select few who are above my dog, Kharma, in the friendship chain. Sorry, it's true. I love her so much. When I cry, she lays on my lap or licks my tears. When I'm happy, she totally picks up on it and wants to play with me. She never asks me about the infertility stuff. We cuddle a lot. Honestly, some of my most favorite moments is when she is laying on my chest and I listen to her breath....ummm, do you think it's time for a baby? :-)

10) I don't think I have ever experienced the feeling of boredom - ever...since I came out of the womb. I don't allow it. If I feel that I am approaching boredom, I get a ton of projects/adventures going and make my life very complicated. Sometimes this is done out of my healthy, tenacious need for growth, other times it is done out of my unhealthy quest for chaos. Either way, I am confident that, if lucky enough to be given the opportunity, I will look back on my life and say "Wow - that was a full and very interesting journey.". However, I'm not so sure I will be able to say that I was "content". Honestly, I think I'll take "very interesting" over "content"....even though ,someday, I would like to have them both.

So that's the truth - the honest truth. Anyone else up for the challenge? I must say, it was fun and introspective.

74 - Profound experience

2009-02-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

You all remember the "infertility" lecture day I had in my theory class last fall? Although that particular class was quite painful, the professor was one of those people I instantly connected with and knew early on that somehow, regardless of our paths, we would remain in contact. I'm guessing she is in her mid 50s? She's brilliant, graceful, strong, and compassionate...traits I admire so much. She is one of those people that I think of when I think about what I want to be like and where I want to be about 20 years from now. She's been a therapist for a very long time and has also taught part-time. In the classroom, she exhibits the perfect balance of compassion and boundaries. I can only imagine her techniques are the same in therapy. My PhD application that would lead towards a full-time teaching position at the university is due, and although I'm leaning towards that path, I'm still gathering information about my decision to abandon the therapist idea (for now, of course...I'm always one for leaving ALL my options open:-)) and teach full-time. That's one of the many things IVF has instilled in me (for better or for worse) - before making a decision, gather and analyze information until all sources have been exhausted.

I contacted this prof and asked if we could meet so that I could ask her some questions about both professions. She was more than willing, and we met for lunch today. After the lecture last fall, I told her about my infertility. So today, while discussing balancing career with family, she asked about how the family part was going...fair enough. I brought it up. I told her that we were getting ready to head back to Colorado soon...which led to a discussion about the shots. I told her that even the baby ones were difficult for me sometimes, not because of the pain, but because of the psychology of giving myself a shot. She looked me dead in the eyes, her eyes full of compassion, and said, "My husband gave me mine.". I cannot describe the emotion I experienced when she said that, when we connected in that moment.

She had talked about her son frequently in class, using examples when we talked about the stages of development, etc.. I know he is a teenager. I know from her stories that not only do I admire her professionally, but also her mothering skills (at least the ones she shared in class). After that precious pause, I asked "so that's how you got your son?". "No - he's adopted. The IVF didn't work.". I always assumed he was their biological son when she would talk about him in class. She then shared their trials and tribulations about the process - how she reached the point of being content with their golden retrievers...and then, the situation with her son came out of the blue (I'll spare the details). They adopted him when he was three. She said that the pain of the process went away once he was in their home.

I thanked her for sharing her story with me - with tears in my eyes.

It truly was the first time in a year and a half that I haven't felt alone. And I mean that with no disrespect to all the support I've had throughout the infertility crap from my friends and family...but this connection I made with her was different. She's the only person I know who has been through it and is completely on the other side.....healed in a deep way. And happy. And brilliant. And graceful. And continuing to make such a huge impact on those who come across her path.

We did talk about career choices. She stayed neutral, for the most part. The conversation ended with her telling me that she also felt a strong connection while I was in her class. And then she gave me the biggest compliment I've received in awhile...she said that she has some students she can't really see as therapists and some students she can see as fellow therapists, but very rarely does she come across students whom not only does she see as therapists, but therapists she would choose to work closely with. She said she thought I was the latter. And regardless of what career choice I make, I'll remember how I felt when she said that.

So I came home to news - a friend is pregnant, possibly another friend has decided to try again. Yes, we do live in a fertile world. But the connection gave me a boost of strength. I said "congrats" and meant it...I know there is happiness on the other side of this...I saw it sitting across from me at that little Italian restaurant.

73 - A Berry nice surprise

2009-02-24T04:14:00.001-08:00

I opened my mailbox today to find a nice package from my niece, J, and my nephew-in-law, E...a Strawberry Shortcake DVD package complete with a play jeweled crown. First, let's clarify - my niece and nephew-in-law are in their mid-20's. My sister (my niece's mother) is 17 years older than I am (my brother is 14 years older). Yes, yes...I was a true "oops" when my mom had me at the ripe "old" age (back then) of 36. Maybe "oopses" are in my genes? I can only hope. Anyway, bottom line is that my nieces and nephews are much more like cousins.

So, I loved the surprise! I was obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake as a child - obsessed. For a good three years in the late 70's-early 80's, those dolls were my life. I believed they had souls. Strawberry Shortcake herself - what a great role model to look up to...she was kind, fun, totally not frumpy, smelled like strawberries, and had a whole posse of friends that smelled great and whom all had very colorful pets. I so wanted to be her. In case you forgot...

Above - The late 70's - early 80's version

The modern, liberated, free-from-hose Strawberry Shortcake

Personally, I think she had more style in the 80's, but didn't we all...didn't we all :-).

So thank you again J and E! I think what really made my day about it is that you knew I would totally get a kick out of it. You know the goofy, silly, child-like side of me...the side I struggle to keep alive these days. I totally plan on putting on that crown, popping a bowl of popcorn and watching "A Berry Blossom Festival" :-).

72 - Joy in a piece of candy

2009-02-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

First of all - awwww, you guys are very sweet and did help me get out of my frumpy mood. Lost in Space (Brenda, right?), what's a MAC store? I'm assuming you didn't mean the fun place where you purchase laptops, iphones, and ipods? Perhaps my rock is a little wider and heavier than your's :-).

So Alex and I had a big, over-the-top Valentine's night...and for good reason. We most often spend this holiday apart in different countries, so to know he was going to be home and plan an evening in advance was quite a treat. He made reservations at this restaurant on top of the RenCen in Detroit. It was on the 72nd floor and is apparently the second highest restaurant in the US. The food was good, typical high-end chophouse stuff, and the view was great. Poor Detroit, definitely a city that struggles (even more so in this economy), but at night, with all the lights, it's just another beautiful city.

We got all dressed up. That day I had to get some shoes to go with the dress I was wearing. As I was shoe shopping, the mantra of "I am not frumpy. I am not frumpy." ran through my head. The following shoe selection was the result. Can you believe it? I have never worn 3 inch heels in my life, and, let me tell you, it was quite a sight to see me attempt to walk in them. But then, miraculously, after a half bottle of wine, I was a heel-walkin' superstar...you would have thought that I trained on a runway :-).

Alex got me a cute little black number and a small box of chocolates. And that's about where the evening ended. I was plugged up with disgusting volumes of snot, and Alex, although he wasn't feeling bad, had residual intestinal issues from Africa. SUPER HOT AND SEXY! :-) We both popped the appropriate pills and headed to bed.

The small box of chocolates he gave me got me thinking...the littlest gestures do that sometimes. Back around the holidays, I was walking at the mall (yes, for exercise, NOW try to tell me I'm not frumpy :-)). As I turned a corner, I noticed three mentally-challenged, middle-aged adults in wheelchairs letting out these squeals of joy...I mean, it was a level of joy that I may have only been able to match by receiving a BFP the day of our beta. Seriously. I was so intrigued by this that I hid off to the side and observed - I was a cross between a stalker and a scientist conducting a sociology experiment :-). Come to find out, their caretakers had just informed them that they would be heading over to the candy store and that each one of them would be allowed to pick out a piece of candy. Joy! Joy! Joy! I got a little closer and quietly watched the whole thing. The candy selection process, their reactions as the cashier handed them their selected piece, their savoring of every last morsel, unaware of anyone around them. These folks were truly living in the moment. They knew how to really savor the small things in life. They had a piece of wisdom that I have somehow lost along the way, and I observed them with envy.

As I opened the box of four little chocolates on Valentine's Day, I thought about what if that was it...what if there was no over-the-top dinner, no sexy little black thing, no Alex at home to celebrate with...and, in the long-term, no children to come home to after our night out. Would I still be able to experience an abundance of joy as I savored a single piece of that chocolate? I would like to think that I could say "of course!", but I really don't know the answer. I get into these ruts of thinking the only true joy will be the joy we will experience when there is a child in our home...and in the meantime, I lose so many opportunities to savor all the little pieces of decadent chocolate that come into my life.

So I think of those three middle-aged adults at the mall often. Their squeals are imprinted in my head. And I think "if they can find that level of joy in something as simple as a piece of candy, so can I". They have been the greatest teachers I've had in a long time.

71 - Lessons in make-up application

2009-02-13T04:24:00.001-08:00

Lesson #1: When you line your lips in the bathroom, but your actual lipstick is in the car, REMEMBER TO APPLY YOUR ACTUAL LIPSTICK BEFORE SPENDING 45 MINUTES IN TARGET PRANCING AROUND WITH BIG, UNFILLED CLOWN LIPS.

So, last week after the nightmare, I started thinking a lot about how I view myself and how that may effect this irrational feeling about my health. I view myself as frumpy. This was somewhat confirmed when I went with Alex on a trip and was hanging out with the flight attendants. One of them commented - "We knew the moment we saw you that you weren't the typical pilot's wife. They're mostly trophy wives. We knew you would be much more intelligent and down-to-earth.". Of course my overactive mind immediately read between the lines and interpreted their meant-to-be-a-compliment as "you're frumpy". And it is true - I spend no time or money on hair, make-up, nails, etc. If I do, I buy the absolute cheapest products, and I usually have no idea how to use them. So after the dream last week, I decided that I would spend an evening at one of those make-up counters and learn a few things.

It was great fun! She recommended using multiple eye colors AND an eyeliner. Whoa - a little over stimulating for a virgin-like make-up person, but I tried to pay attention and vowed that regardless of how I was feeling on a particular day, I would keep this routine up for a week. She also recommended lip liner in ADDITION to my regular lipstick...now this was getting complicated, but I sat strong and held tight to my vow.

So, I have kept up the routine since that counter appointment...and I must admit that I do like what I see a little more when I look in the mirror. Yesterday, I went through the whole routine in my bathroom, lip liner and everything, but then realized that I had left my actual lipstick in the car. Not a big deal - I would just put it on when I got in the car. Never happened. I stopped by Target before teaching (thank goodness!) and, sure enough, pranced around that baby-lovin' store for a good 45 minutes with big clown lips that looked very similar to the ones in the above picture. It was true divine intervention that caused me to look at myself one last time before heading into the classroom a hour or so later. You know, people were looking at me a lot in Target, but I just thought that they were looking at my new, beautiful eyes :-).

Ah well - the whole thing made me and the multiple people I told, laugh.

Today, Alex and I have no obligations. We are going to go around to some home-type stores and find some cheap stuff to give our place a little uplift in the midst of this long winter...things like a new shower curtain, dish towels - stuff like that. And then probably out to lunch. I love days like this. Hopefully, he will tell me if I forget and have big clown lips again :-).

70 - Nightmare

2009-02-08T17:22:00.001-08:00

First of all, you may notice that a recent post has been deleted. Thank you, feedjit, for the heads up :-).

So I had this dream last week that turned into a complete nightmare. It was a dream that started out as a day of complete self-indulgence and self-care. Good, right? It was good until the end when I got in the shower and looked down only to see grotesque, potato-like tumors hanging off my body. Yikes! My heart was beating so fast when I woke up.

I happened to have an appointment with my therapist last week and, of course, this dream-turned-nightmare was the topic. I truly expected her reaction to be "So, you've finally had the "day-of-indulgence-transformed-into-grotesque-tumors" dream". Instead, she looked at me wide-eyed and said "Christina, I have to tell you that this is a very abnormal dream and is an indication of some serious and deep issues". She then proceeded to tell me that the first thing I should do is thank my body for allowing me to have such a dream. WTF? Thank my body for that nightmare? That nightmare practically sent me into cardiac arrest. This is not what I meant by a "lighter" 2009.

But then after some thought, I understood what she meant and here's why - I have always felt that, for whatever reason, I have a very unhealthy mind/body connection. I have always had this looming feeling that something is really off about my body, yet outwardly I show no signs of being "unhealthy". Knock on wood, but it's not unusual for me to go a full year without having a cold. I get my yearly check-ups and, so far, nothing has come up. So because there aren't outwardly symptoms, I've discredited the power of this looming "feeling" by not putting any energy into figuring it out. To me, this dream is sort of a wake-up call that those feelings require attention. I know, I know...infertility has the power to mess with us in this way...but this feeling has existed long before the trials and tribulations of infertility. Perhaps that is part of the untangling process...figuring out the exact moment that these feelings of unhealth started.

I've been thinking of acupuncture on and off for a bit, and this dream has prompted me to take action. Tomorrow I am going to make an appointment. A girl in my social work class gave me a recommendation. Did I mention that she had been TTC for 1 1/2 years and got preggo about a month after she began acupuncture treatments? Just a BTW - obviously this has no influence on me using her recommendation :-).

As a side note - things have been so busy lately. One of the professors in my department is sick, and I have taken over his classes for the next 4 weeks (maybe more) which means that I am a "full-time" prof for the time being. I love it! Last week, I actually felt energized at the end of my days, as if I was getting more energy back from teaching than I was investing into it.

Another side note - I took a long walk yesterday- it was a balmy 37 degress. It really felt balmy. Our Mt. Everest piles of snow reduced to smaller rolling hills, and I heard birds chirping! Birds chirping! It was a beautiful sound and inspired me to want to put up a ticker...a "countdown to bright red geraniums in my window boxes" ticker. I think I'll work on that as a distraction from getting down to some serious course prep :-).

69 - Unstuck

2009-02-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

First of all, no response from Stupid Adoption Lady. That's ok - I didn't need one. I just hope she thinks a little bit more before she speaks when she conducts future consultations.

Alex just returned last night from a trip to Cairo. I was reminded of the trip we took to Egypt in 2005 (the above pic). It was amazing and thought-provoking. We stayed in Cairo for a few days, going to Giza and some other local sites. Then we took a trip up the Nile (ending back in Cairo), visiting all the temples and tombs along the way. I'll never forget a pivotal moment in my life that happened while I was standing in a tomb, looking at this mummified body before me. The air was stale, and the walls were covered with carvings that would put most modern day artists to shame. The Egyptian laying before me believed that as long as he mummified his body, he would one day return to that same body and then continue to live on Earth for eternity. He also believed that the complex carvings on the wall of food, weapons, and servants would actually come to life, so to speak, when he returned to his mummified body so that he would be taken care of. He believed the pyramid structure would serve a purpose in assisting his ascent into the heavens and his return to Earth. His entire life was dedicated to these beliefs and a majority of his time on Earth was spent in preparation...at the expense of others, I might add (slaves were used to build most of the pyramids, that is if you don't believe the opposing theory that aliens constructed them :-)). His investment in his beliefs well outdid any dedication to a belief system we see in modern day. Guess what? As of 4,000-5,000 years later, that Egyptian was incorrect. His mummified body and the carvings remain (not to say he can't return in a different way :-)).

It was at this pivotal moment that I vowed to never be stuck in my beliefs. I vowed that when I started to find myself getting "solid" in my way of thinking, I would think of that Egyptian, put the warning flags up and expose myself to a different way. Hence, my most recent relationship with Rev. B, whom I just call B. I mentioned him in an earlier post. We meet for an hour or so every couple of months and have a discussion. I mainly express my angst with organized religion and the idea of a monotheistic diety, and he listens a lot, sometimes nodding in agreement, sometimes speaking up in an attempt to "unstick" me. It is the perfect balance of philosophical banter and free therapy - for us both. I get the feeling that although B has very much outwardly defined his beliefs through his role as a reverend, he doesn't like to be stuck either.

In our latest discussion, we talked about people who reached their full potential during this lifetime on Earth. These people truly became "fully human" we decided - people like Jesus and Ghandi, for example. We then continued to try to define what we meant by "fully human". In the end, we decided that to be fully human was to be able to take the struggles you are facing and use them to manifest compassion and wisdom within yourself and others. We agreed that being "fully human" had nothing to do with the specifics of their struggles, as many struggles are beyond conscious control, and that those who achieved it defined themselves by this compassion and wisdom they manifested through the process; not by the struggles they faced.

Wow - what a great thing to strive for...and challenging! I've been testing it out this week, changing my mantra whenever I find that I'm defining myself by my particular struggle (which I do often). I've also changed my blog list title to "My wise and beautiful blog friends". I share a current (or for some, past) struggle of infertility with most of the listed bloggers. I very much admire your strength and ability to share your humanness so openly. And as I continue to follow your blogs and write my own, I see our wisdom and compassion for ourselves and others grow. I wanted to formally identify you by your beauty and wisdom...infertility is just the particular struggle we have in common as we strive to become fully human.

Thanks B for unsticking me...for a little bit, at least. I'll be back :-).

And yes, I do realize that although I stated that this blog would be about life in general, the last two posts have been about adoption and infertility. What can I say? That's life through my lens right now :-).

67 - Yo dawg, that was just alright for me...

2009-01-26T14:11:00.001-08:00

These are the words I have been hearing lately from Randy Jackson as I rock out Beyonce's "Crazy in Love", Kelly's "Since U've Been Gone", and Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer". Yes, folks, it's true. I now have American Idol Encore 2 for our PS3 (thanks to DH). And I will admit to you all that I have spent about 7 hours in the last three days pretending that I am a rock star and an R&B deva. It has been so much fun...just what the doctor ordered. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who needs a break from their real world.

I would like to take this opportunity to recognize the other black man in my life these days...Billy Blanks. I have been working out with Billy and his Tae Bo moves pretty religiously for the past couple of weeks.

These two gentlemen have provided me with ways to calm my mind down. Usually, my mind goes a mile a minute all the time...here's a sample minute...

"What would Freud think about that? Is there a God? Why can't I fit into any traditional religion? Why do I care? What am I making for dinner? I should try something new. I need to challenge myself. Wow, the world is so big and I am so small. Why does this matter? Why does anything matter? Where's our baby? I hope Alex doesn't get bit by a bug in Africa. I can't wait to see what Obama does for our country. What's for dinner again?...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Constant.

But when I'm rockin' out Beyonce or "double timing" it with Billy, my mind quiets. And thanks me for giving it a rest.

66 - T-shirt ideas...

2009-01-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

There is no way to really recap the last two weeks (or more!) since my last post. Just busyness. Craziness. Scattered. Unable to catch my breath. Recovering from a bad holiday. I need to lighten up. I can be too intense...serious...full of myself...too much in my head. I'm either giving every bit of energy I have to something or giving nothing at all. Most times, there is no a balance. My one New Year's resolution is simple - lighten my mental load so that my heart has more of an opportunity to be heard.

So in the spirit of lightening up...I have had this on my mind since about a week after our BFN. It came about while I was trying to figure out how we could finance our adoption process or further treatment. I was thinking of "fundraisers" of sorts...and as twisted as it is, this is an image that came to mind -

Ha! I know, I'm crazy. And I'll send an apology out early to anyone I may have offended by making light of the situation, but what else is there to do? I'm done sitting here being angry and bitter about it all. I'm a fun, free-spirited person...at least I use to be. I miss her. This intense, serious, obsessed, super-negative chick is really a drag to be around.

Anyway, anyone want to go into business making a line of t-shirts for us infertiles? Then we can prance around Target midday and make all those lucky ones feel like asses for wearing their highly offensive "I can grow people!" shirts...see Ashley's post at planetdavila.blogspot.com for the story on that one!

Here's to a lighter 2009...

Revision: Great idea, Jill! Here is an update. I added the pink and baseball style to make it a little more interesting...as well as a warning and invitation (depending on the circumstance) on the back :-)

65 - 2008 Recap Part Two

2008-12-31T15:42:00.000-08:00

The previous post is my Top Five Bad Moments of 2008...next up...
The Top Six Happy Moments of 2008 (again no significance to the order):

#1 Alex got hired by Delta. While an aviation life is not ideal under any circumstance (see previous posts :-)), Delta is SO much better than his previous flying job. In the old job, he was gone for a minimum of 17 days a month, in a row, every month, and we sustained this for almost 4 years. Now he is usually gone for 3 days in a row and more like 12-13 days a month total. So much better. This is a pic of the airplane he flies.

#2 We met J and T while at CCRM. J and T are the people we stayed with through our whole IVF process out there. J is the sister of my previous piano teacher whom I still keep in touch with. J and T have a beautiful 6,000 sqft home that over looks the Rockies - and they essentially gave us the whole lower floor to live in. They were with us and such a support during this very stressful time of our lives - and they were wonderful. We had never met them before I showed up on their doorstep that night before our first CCRM stim check...and now I know we will be friends for life. Below is a pic J emailed me after our BFN. Their cat hated me for some reason...must have been all the hormones I was on while we were visiting :-).

#3 Aaron, my best friend's son, is doing amazing after his extremely traumatic entry into this world. He's cruising and is so close to walking. He waves. He claps. He laughs a lot and gets angry. He attacks my head and earrings when I hold him in front of my face. A miracle. And I also feel that this traumatic event has brought me closer to my three best friends of 29 years - L (Aaron's mom), M, and B. We talked a lot during that time and really supported each other. Here's a pic of Aaron in the nicu and a pic taken this fall-

#4 I had the best trip of my life in February of this year. I went to Sicily to visit a friend/professor/co-worker (I know, the boundaries are all blurred). She has family in central Sicily, so we spent time staying with them - it was such an authentic experience. I will never forget the few hours we spent on their family farm, soaking up the sun and looking out onto the rolling Sicilian hills while sipping limoncello. These were perhaps some of the best few hours of my entire life - truly. The image attached to my profile on this blog was taken in Sicily...and the ricotta in those cannolis was actually warm (it was so fresh)! Thank you, D and P!

#5 I loved my first semester in MSW school...the courses, my professors, the environment, etc. I learned so much.

And the 2008 happy moment that tips the scales for the "good"...

#6 Obama.

Seriously, how can 2009 NOT get better?

Revision: How could I forget! Another Happy Moment for 2008 was that Alex and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We celebrated in Florida where we first met in 1995. Sorry babe for the afterthought...it really was a 2008 highlight. I made a slide show of pics of us from the last 13 years then surprised him by presenting it to him in the lecture hall where we first met. We had a good celebration.

So now the scales officially tip 7 good to 4 bad. See ya, 2008!

64 - 2008 Recap Part One

2008-12-31T15:10:00.001-08:00

So we all know that the Grinch's heart ends up growing, then he sings and eats with the Whos and everyone lives happily ever after. Ummm...unfortunately, that's not how the rest of my holiday or birthday panned out. Perhaps the Grinch can become my new mentor for continued emotional growth :-).

I won't go into the details as this is currently a public blog - just the typical last minute changes, let downs, not enough alone time, sprinkled with a few very inappropriate infertility comments. So now it is New Year's Eve, and I am hanging low by myself (Alex is in Africa, and while I had some offers to go out, I just really craved the alone time) and writing this post...after experiencing a day of treating myself and eating breakfast for dinner. I love eating breakfast for dinner.

So here is Part One of my 2008 recap - the bad. I have limited myself to the "top" five bad events. I will post the good of 2008 in a separate post and plan on forcing myself to come up with six for that one. I have to start the New Year with an attitude of the good outweighing the bad - I have to.

Note: There is no significance to the order.

#1 My mom had to get her kidney removed when they found a tumor...she is doing great now, but this was really scary at the time.
#2 My best friend's (of 29 years) uterus ruptured, and her baby was born not breathing and without a heartbeat. They managed to revive him, and he spent a few touch-n-go weeks in the nicu...see my "good" list for follow-up on this one.
#3 CCRM BFN - no explanation required, and unfortunately, there is no follow-up on the "good" list :-(.
#4 Two planes that Alex once flew were involved in major accidents - a B747 and a DC-9. And I mean he flew the EXACT planes that crashed (and, at some point, had worked for the two companies involved in the crashes). We both knew the crew members involved. Unfortunately, one pilot and two people on the ground died, but, miracuously, everyone else was ok. It shook us up a lot. Below is a pick of the B747 involved in the crash.

#5 I'm actually having a problem coming up with #5...it's ok, though. I think the above four are enough...now time for happy thoughts.

63 - Redefining "aviation lifestyle"

2008-12-24T02:45:00.000-08:00

So I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try my best to be authentic. Authenticity is one of my ultimate goals - embracing everything that I am...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, while previous posts have embraced the good side, here is one that embraces the bad and the ugly.

In the last post, I talked about how, for the first time in 10 years, I was embracing our aviation lifestyle. I defined "aviation lifestyle" as one filled with traveling - specifically around the holidays. A lot of pilots just don't get holidays off - any of them. With Alex being so new at Delta, it will probably be a good 10 years of so before he will spend a holiday at home (Thanksgiving and Christmas). I hate this part of the holidays - HATE it. We have worked so hard at overcoming this as couple - Lord knows we have had countless "discussions" about it as we work to bring children into this family. So, as I previously stated, I thought I had made big progress by embracing the idea that I will just travel with Alex on the holidays...and as soon as our kids got old enough, we would all travel with daddy on the holidays. It has taken so much work to get to this place of acceptance.

So, it's the holidays. Christmas Eve. And I'm not traveling.

Alex is sick. Head cold. We all know it is dangerous to fly with a head cold. He decided about 9 hours before we were about to leave on our Italian extravaganza that he is too sick to fly. Of course I'm not blaming him for being sick, but when he made this decision, something inside of me truly snapped - truly. I think it was the years and years of instability around the holidays - both in our marriage and before our marriage - coming to a head. I tore down all the Christmas decorations yesterday - all of them. Both trees, all the little stuff. I sat out the one lonely 7 inch tree (undecorated) I bought last minute last year as I rushed to the airport in an attempt to meet up with him somewhere. Now does the above picture make sense? I'm not celebrating this year.

This "snap" would have happened regardless of circumstance - Alex being sick, the plane breaking, canceled flight because of the weather - it wouldn't have mattered. So let me now redefine what I mean by "aviation lifestyle"...

The beauty of traveling is a part of it...but a small part. What really defines the aviation lifestyle is instability...never knowing if what you've planned and hoped for is actually going to work out. Sounds familiar, doesn't it (to all you IFs)? And I know this is life in general...but aviation adds a thick layer of instability to the normal chaos that already exists in life. Do I mind staying at home with my husband for the holidays? Absolutely not. So many times I have hoped for this and it hasn't worked out. So I tried the other side - find hope for a happy holiday traveling...get excited about traveling. I've tried so hard to try to find a way to be happy with this lifestyle around the holidays. Now I'm at a loss. I really think the key to finding happiness around the holidays in an aviation lifestyle is to remain hopeless. I really don't mean that in a depressed way - I mean it in a very logical way.

Anyone reading this blog a pilot's spouse? I would love your comments and/or suggestions.

What's interesting is that it is now the next morning after I've torn down the decorations, and I have no regrets. I guess it had to happen - the snap, that is. Boy, it was a long time coming.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do these next couple of days. Alex is truly sick. So, we'll hang low. I'll go to the grocery store and buy some food (we, of course, hadn't shopped because we were going to be gone for so long). I think I'll do a little retail therapy today while Alex naps. My birthday is the 26th - the big 34. Is it just me or do birthdays now represent one more year down the infertile road?

Happy f'in Holidays! :-)

62 - Abundance

2008-12-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

The above picture is from our recent holiday party...about 45 guests and a lot of dancing! It was a blast!...who knew that I would be using the word "blast" in a context NOT associated with embryos :-).

All of us infertiles laugh (perhaps out loud, but often in our heads) when we are told "you just need to relax" or "the minute you stop trying so hard it will happen". Using the cancer analogy that I have often seen on other blogs, this is the equivalent of telling a cancer patient that maybe they would have a better chance of getting cured if they just stopped treatment, i.e., "the minute you back off on the chemo and quit trying so hard to get well, I bet the cancer will go away". I'm not comparing the trauma of going through cancer to the trauma of infertility, but I am making the comparison that both are medically diagnosed issues that are most often not "fixable" (for lack of a better term) without some form of intervention. It truly has nothing to do with "relaxing"...if the eggs are poor quality and the sperm won't swim, relaxing isn't the solution. I have believed this with all my heart...for the most part...

I digress, but will pull this together in the end of the post. So, for the past 6 years I have done everything aside from selling my soul to obtain a full-time professorship. For 6 years, a full-time position has been dangled in front of me like a carrot - and I have ran as hard as possible to catch it. This past spring, I just realized I was tired. I no longer had it in me to keep chasing that position. I gave up. I applied for Social Work school and got in. I decided that I would be a social worker, still teach part-time as I went through social work school, and then make my complete exit from the field of aviation when I graduated in two or three years. Well, about a week ago, I was told that a full-time position is in fact opening up this spring - the first one in the department in almost 9 years. It's real this time (as confirmed with a variety of sources), and it looks like I have a very good shot at it (upon getting accepted to a PhD program this spring). I've grasped on to this so hard for so long...and now that I have given up, it's come into fruition.

Another example - social work school kicked my butt this semester - I was changing careers, the courses were really academically challenging, and I was trying to manage it coming off of our BFN (we got our BFN the week classes started). My adviser, being familiar with the infertility process, tried hard to convince me that I shouldn't take classes this semester. About half way through, I decided that I would give up the hope of pulling off good grades, and just be proud of myself if I just made it through. I would try to learn as much as I could, with grades being a secondary concern. Those who know me know that this kind of attitude is not in my make-up - at all. Grades just posted this morning - I got a 4.0 in all three classes, which puts me in the running for some sizable scholarships. So now I will spend next semester making some serious choices - but they are choices I will be making because my life feels filled with abundance.

A third example has to do with our lifestyle - the aviation lifestyle. I have fought it hard for 10 long years...depressed at the holidays because we can't celebrate them in the traditional fashion - in our home, with a fire, around the tree, etc., etc.. Well, this year I've decided to embrace our lifestyle. I will be spending Christmas with Alex in Venice, then we will go to D.C. for a couple of days, then I'll go back with Alex to Pisa...and I am actually looking forward to it. We're travelers. That's who we are - that's our life. My view of the world has changed so much as a result of the places we've been - some of them I really wanted to go to, others I was quite resistant - but either way, my perspective on life always changes for the better. Our lifestyle provides amazing opportunities for us, and, hopefully, some day, our children. I gave up on wanting the homebody life...and it's the holidays, and I'm not depressed.

So, how does this tie in to infertility? Do I think that giving up and "relaxing" on having a biological child will make it happen? No. It doesn't mean that we will quit being proactive in our infertility process - either with adoption or continued treatment. But the events in the last couple of weeks have made me really ponder the idea of letting go a little - if even all that does is make the journey a little more pleasurable and bearable along the way.

Happy Holidays to all!

61 - A baby from Russia?

2008-12-06T06:52:00.001-08:00

Ok, not exactly. This is actually a picture of Alex - I'm not sure the age. He is about 1/4-1/8 Russian. In fact, we have his great grandmother's wicker chest in our basement. It was all she had when she came over from Russia back in the day (not sure on the year). I bring this all up because we had our second adoption consultation with another agency this past week. They showed video from all the countries that they work with, including Russia. Most of the children look very similar to the above photo.

Unlike our first consultation, this one went great. They gave presentations on both domestic and international, and both women giving the presentation were adoptive parents. I won't bore with the details, but the end result is that Alex and I made some major decisions on our drive home.

We decided that we will probably pursue international adoption. In Michigan, the mother has 21 days to change her mind and that is AFTER the initial court date. Worst case situation, we could have the baby in our home for up to 3 months and then get him/her taken away. Yes, I know - plenty of domestic situations work out, but we've decided that we aren't willing to take the risk.

We will consider older children and sibling groups. We may continue to look into this domestically as well.

We will also consider international "Children in Waiting". These are children who are either older or may have mental, physical, or emotional issues (some correctable, some not).

We don't care about the gender.

I was amazed - Alex and my hearts were equally matched in this. There was no real discussion - only "I agree!", "I agree!" when we were going through the choices. And I am so proud of us. I'm proud of the size of our hearts - now that we are diving further and further in the process, we are realizing that adoption is a wonderful opportunity to give a child a life, and those that are often lower on the "wanted" list are the ones that may need a family the most. It feels good. We feel good.

So, of course, none of this is set in stone. We are attending another consultation this Tuesday and have a couple more set up. We are still gathering info about domestic, just to cover our basis.

Oh - one last random note. Last week, Alex and I had Chinese takeout for the first time in a long time. Guess what my fortune cookie said? - "Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.". I kid you not. It inspired me to come up with a line of fortune cookies for us unsuccessful infertiles :-).

60 - A different kind of ornament...

2008-11-26T06:29:00.001-08:00

So as you can see from the pic, yesterday was Alex's 37th birthday. In addition to his birthday, we also celebrated Thanksgiving as he will be flying on Thanksgiving Day. We made the whole dinner - turkey (18 lbs, I might add), stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, and gravy...topped off with this homemade birthday cake for dessert. Tonight we are having all the neighbors over for leftovers.

Part of this week's festivities has been putting up the trees. We have two trees - one downstairs that is eclectic and one at the top of the stairs that is our airplane tree - nothing but airplane ornaments. Since we have both been in aviation for awhile, we've collected about 50-60 of them over the years. And tradition has been that every year I give Alex one or two more airplane ornaments to add to our collection.

This year was no exception - but the airplane ornament I gave him this year had a little twist. It is the ornament pictured above - its box was titled "Playing Airplane". When I first saw it, I stood there with the box forever - should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I...well, I did.

And I know the risk. I know that it might end up being one of those little purchases that we end up grieving when our third birth mother changes her mind AGAIN. I know as we start the adoption process that even adoption is not always a guarantee. But we are in a situation where our only options involve risk - we have no choice. And as the holidays approach, the only thing I have control over is not allowing that fear associated with risk to take over and destroy our hope.

Alex loved it, by the way. He cried. I think he thinks it's worth the risk, too.

59 - Time to stop?

2008-11-24T03:55:00.001-08:00

So here's a question...at what point do you really stop "trying"? So we failed at CCRM, and today we are finalizing several adoption consultations. Does this mean I throw away all the OPKs and stop taking the prenatals? Or do I continue to track my cycle, continue to have timely sex (which Alex must arrange his flying schedule to be home for), continue with the prenatals...because, for the life of me, I can't see myself going on birth control. Do I hold on to that ONE story of a friend of a friend's who got pregnant naturally a year after several failed IVFs and the adoption papers were filed? Or do I truly let go - trash the OPKs, switch to a less expensive multi-vitamen, and try to get a healthy sex life back...which includes Alex choosing a schedule where he is home for OTHER things in our lives - not my cycle.

I have no idea. Maybe it's too soon to make that decision? But it crossed my mind this weekend - I know I was ovulating, and I thought, "What do we do with this information now?".

58 - Perspective...

2008-11-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

57 - Adoption Consultation...I had to take a shower.

2008-11-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Why? Because of how gross I felt after the conversation. I will leave the adoption firm nameless as to not offend...they are a national firm, not an agency, they are averaging about a four month match time for domestic infant adoptions (that's matched with the birth mother), and they come with price tag of about $40,000. We had about a half hour phone consultation with them on Tuesday.

I felt like I was at a car dealership. The first nail in their coffin was our consultant's oh-so-sensitive comment near the very beginning of our conversation: "Just think - you could have a baby in your home in 9 months...and you won't even get fat or have stretch marks!". Oh, how amazing, because THOSE are the real reasons we are headed on the adoption road. THOSE are the reasons that 90% of your potential clients are on the adoption road. It's because we all care deeply about our looks and would preserve them at the expense of a biological child. Idiot. Bitch. Sorry for the obnoxious venting...I just hate that lady and her ignorance of infertility. She's supposedly an adoption professional - there is no excuse for her lack of sensitivity.

But here's the thing that really hit me to the core. Over and over and over she just kept repeating "We guarantee a healthy baby. We guarantee a healthy baby. If the baby's not healthy, you are under no requirement to take it. We will match you again. You are guaranteed a healthy baby.". And I certainly don't judge those who would find comfort in this reassurance - I'm not even going to claim that Alex and I won't say "no" to a large number of physical and mental issues on our application...but there was something about that conversation that chilled me to the bone. It felt like the human dignity of babies - all babies - was removed. Aren't the babies who have some issues the ones that need really good homes? I don't understand it - intellectually and at a heart level.

I think I might be a little sensitive to this issue for a couple of reasons First, because of Aaron (see my Halloween post - my best friend's youngest son). I remember seeing him for the first time in the nicu - not knowing what kind of physical or mental issues he may have one day. And I knew the minute I saw him, my love for him would never be affected by those issues. If I can bond with someone else's child in that way, I can only imagine that bond would even be stronger with my own. I think of him and his highly functioning four-year old brother and realize that if those two were the two kids I could adopt and I could only chose one of them - I could never chose. I am equally bonded. There is something so much greater than a perfectly health baby - there is that bond of love between parents and child that is present regardless of circumstance. The other situation that makes us more sensitive to all this is that Alex's sister, Emily, has Down's. And you know what? She loves life and contributes SO much to the world - often much more than many "normal" functioning adults. Her family and friends love her, and she gives abundant love back to them. It's that bond of love that appeared to be removed from the equation at this firm and that made me nauseous.

And then, of course, there was the evasion of the truth about cost. Over and over..."you can have a baby in your house for $20,000". I got her in her attempted deception - I asked very firmly and several times about if the other costs we had discussed earlier were included in the $20,000. She avoided and avoided and avoided. I finally said "Does this adoption cost $20,000 or $40,000?". $40,000. Buh Bye.

We felt discouraged and...just plain yucky. But then we pulled ourselves up and came up with a game plan. I have a pretty light schedule in the next week and Alex is home between now and Thanksgiving. We are going to look at five agencies. That's it. No spending 40 hours a week for the next several week...you know, obsessively combing through tons information so we don't feel like we've missed anything. We are going to pick five, do our homework on those five, and then pick the agency we are going with by the second week in December. It's perhaps the healthiest approach we have taken to anything in a long time.

Although we have just started, I get the distinct feeling that the adoption road is another long one.

56 - I'm an awesome mom.

2008-11-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite fellow ivf bloggers posted unfortunate news yesterday - a BFN from CCRM. I was shocked by the level of sadness I experienced when I read her post as I only know her through the blog world. Although I know that a lot of the sadness I was feeling was true empathy, I must admit that some of it was also a reflection on my own situation. When I read that she wasn't pregnant, not just my mind, but my body was instantly transported back to September 4th (the day we found out our result), and I found it hard to breath.

This same blogger wrote on a previous post "I guess the universe is selecting me out.". If there is one sentence that epitomises the feelings after an infertility treatment fails, this would be the one. Our situations are different, but the one thing I can relate to is going to the best in the world and things not panning out as hoped. Although we've only done one, most likely, Alex and I are not doing another IVF cycle. We do have two frozen embryos, but based on what the doctor says when we have another extensive conversation with him, we may even make the decision to not go back for them and put our resources elsewhere. I, too, concluded that the universe is selecting us out.

But then I thought about it...That can't be true - it just can't. I have to think of infertility in a different way. I have to or I'll go insane... And I'm talking "put me in the psych ward and tie me up" insane.

I am such an awesome mother. I am - already. I know it at a deep level. I'm not confident about much, but that is the one thing I am sure of. It is one thing that even the hell of infertility can't take away from me. I am perhaps the most comfortable when I am holding and caring for an infant - I knew this the first time I started babysitting for an infant when I was twelve. I've never questioned my desire for children - only the timing (if I only knew then what I know now, right?). At a party surrounded by adults, you can usually find me on the floor with the kids. You know, I just have to believe that the universe is not selecting me out - in fact, the universe has very strongly placed upon me the task of being a mother...and I am so grateful for that. I don't think everyone has the privilege of being given that task. For me, it is looking more and more like my mother role will be in the form of adoption...or perhaps in some other way that has yet to be revealed. Is this what I had in mind? No way. Do I feel pain on a daily basis as a result of going through these struggles? Without a doubt. But I will be DAMNED if I let anything stand in the way of embracing the loving, nurturing mother that is already alive inside of me. I love that part of me...even when I hate my body for this betrayal.

55 - How much is that doggie in the window?

2008-11-08T13:49:00.001-08:00

Too much. $750 to be exact - that's basically one month's payment towards our IVF loan. We just can't afford it right now, but isn't it the cutest? This picture warms my heart. I am all for getting a dog from the Humane Society, but with DH's allergies we are pretty limited to shit-tzus and poodles. With encouragement from a friend, I have been searching the shit-tzu rescue sites. So if anyone reading this blog knows of a shit-tzu or poodle looking for a home, let us know!

I received a Resolve email the other day about coping with infertility and the holidays. There was a whole PDF file listing suggestions...a lot of suggestions centered around avoiding children, of course. I'm not so sure how I feel about that. One thing I have discovered in the last couple of weeks is that I still really love being around the children I know - the children of my friends and family. It's the random kids at the stores that sometimes get to me (although I'm finding that less and less). So I think I may not take Resolve's advice on this one and instead dive into the holidays with both feet. I did a trial run today and did a little holiday shopping...it felt good. I know in my heart that someday we will be experiencing this season with our own kids. So rather than feeling blue, I'm trying to allow myself to just fantasize about what that time will be like. For example, today I saw one of those "count down to Christmas" things - it was wooden, folk artsy, and had really tiny cute drawers numbered 1-24. I spent a lot of time checking it out and fantasizing about what little surprises I would put in the drawers for our children. It was fun. And I felt hopeful, not depressed. Imagine that - hope. What a concept...I might even go back and buy it :-).

54 - A Halloween full of gratitude...

2008-10-31T19:33:00.001-07:00

I know, I know...some of the regular readers may be asking themselves "Is this an impostor blogger?". I must admit that the negativity has flowed freely on this blog over the last few weeks, but today was a good day. Actually, it was a great day. I felt joy and here's why:

Back in March, my best friend gave birth to her second son, Aaron (the little one pictured in the above photo). He was born after her uterus ruptured, and he was placed on a cool cap for 72 hours (check out her blog at coolcapcutie.blogspot.com). It was a very traumatic experience for both mom and baby. He spent a few weeks in the nicu and many days were touch and go. I remember those weeks following Aaron's birth vividly (obviously not nearly as vividly as Aaron's mom) - I would wake up in the middle of the night crying...I was crying in my sleep. I was so grateful that my best friend was ok, but I really didn't know if Aaron was going to make it.

Well - Aaron has made it. He has beyond "made it". He is just shy of 8 months and is currently meeting all his milestones. He and his big brother, Sam, came over my house today to jump in leaves. After some rigorous outdoor play, we came inside and Aaron chased Sam all around the sunroom - crawling at lightning speed...and laughing that hearty infant laugh. And for the first time in a very long time I felt joy. And gratitude that both boys and mom are such a huge part of my life.

The second photo above is the cause of my second joyful experience today. After mom and boys left, I went into the basement to pick up. Sam played with a toy train and my husband's legos (from when Alex was a kid). I have a desk in the basement where I keep all my materials for the courses that I teach. In the process of cleaning up, I discovered the lovely above picture. Sam took it upon himself to decorate one of my student's term papers. I laughed sooo hard when I found it and immediately called Lauren. About 20 minutes later I got a somber phone call from Sam - "I'm sorry for drawing on your work paper Auntie Chris...it won't happen again.". It's ok Sam - you made your Auntie Chris laugh really hard for the first time in a very long time.

The day was topped off by going out to dinner with some very close friends - this wonderful couple Alex and I have known for several years. We always have a really good, comfortable time with them. I was going to pass out candy, but Alex didn't end up being home - I didn't feel like passing it out by myself, so I gave them a call last minute and we went out for Korean. They treated me -so nice.

It was a good day.

53 - I once was a bear

2008-10-30T17:53:00.001-07:00

The above picture was taken by DH and I last year when we took this amazing trip to Yellowstone. I post it tonight because I think I may have been a bear in a previous life. About this time of year, every year, I so easily put on those last few pounds of winter weight - maybe I should call it "fall" weight? Then I curl up on the couch under several blankets and wish that I could just remain there until early April. I feel a primal desire to hibernate - especially through the rest of this year. Frankly, 2008 has sucked in so many ways even beyond our BFN.

So today was interesting. I had my Micro Theory class. In this class we learn about the theory behind being a therapist - you know, Freud and such. The professor is amazing because we also talk about real cases and current issues. Take a wild guess what today's topic of discussion was? Here's a hint - begins with "I" and has the potential to send me into triggersville? You guessed it - infertility. I spent the first 20 minutes holding back tears as she talked about the emotional aspects, how the divorce rate in infertile couples is high, etc., etc.. Then she got into the technical aspects. And there were a lot of questions and comments from the 20-somethings (whom make up a majority of the class), and I felt my blood pressure rise. Questions like "So I heard that all the eggs that are frozen will probably die. Is that true?" and discussions of rumors that IVF clinics put in 6 or more embryos at a time. I, of course, was the class infertility expert for the day - lucky me. It was perhaps the only time in my life when I didn't relish in being the smartie pants of the class.

On the drive home I thought about why their questions angered me. It wasn't their questions and comments - those were all fair for someone who has not been through the process. It was their naiveness and innocence that got under my skin. They weren't tainted. I remember when I wasn't tainted. And it wasn't anger that I was experiencing. It was pure envy. Ahh, the days when I had no idea what IVF, DH, 10DP3DT, Gonal-F, Menopur, IUI, E2, and most recently, BFN, meant.

So I had another really powerful insight today, but I think I'll post it this weekend. I have a full weekend planned. Tomorrow my best friend and her two boys (whom I'm really close with) are coming over for lunch and to play in the leaves. They don't have trees around their house, so last year they came over to experience the joy of jumping in the piles. Alex returns from a 9 day stint in Africa on Saturday. Then on Sunday we are going to look at some Shit-tzu puppies. Our Kharma will be six this December, so we thought it would be a good time to get another. I'll post pics.

Happy Halloween! Be well and safe.

52 - A seeking soul...

2008-10-24T08:23:00.001-07:00

So the above is a pic of me along the shores of Lake Michigan. DH and I usually do a fall trip to Traverse City to see the colors, but with the current economy (and the ivf bill), we decided to scale back and just do a day trip (spent the night with some friends on the drive back) to the other side of the state. It was beautiful and a nice time. The trees didn't care how much money we spent :-).

I felt pretty good this past weekend....upswing, possibly?

One thing (of the many things, of course) that this ivf experience has done is thrown me into a spiritual crisis of sorts. Through the years, I've dabbled/educated myself in a variety of religions. I've even shaved my head before spending 5 days at a silent Buddhist retreat....talk about learning about yourself. But nothing has stuck because I inevitably reach a point where I have a falling out with the humans/leaders involved, usually ignited by my disagreement about the dogma that is being taught...and my inability to keep my questioning at bay. The end result, ironically, is that I am a dedicated, tenacious seeker that really doesn't have a solid belief in anything. The level of depression I've experienced as a result of infertility has left me for a strong craving to have a more solidified belief of something outside of myself.

So once in awhile (like 3 or 4 times total in the last few years), I attend a First Congregational Church in town. It's beautiful...I find such peace when I am surrounded by beauty. I also like the pipe organ. I was a pianist/organist for a church in my teen years, and I feel like the hymns (although I sometimes have big problems with their words) are imprinted in my being. After my last attendance, I sent Rev. Bob a very candid email. I summarized 33 years of life in about one paragraph, told him about my lack of belief in anything, told him about the infertility, and told him that I was curious about what he would say to such a person. We had a face to face meeting this week. It was one of the most interesting conversations I've ever had.

He basically said that based on what I told him, it makes a lot of sense that I don't have a solid belief in something more. He assured me that I am much further on my spiritual path than I give myself credit for - that those who quit questioning quit growing, and I, obviously, am all about questioning. He also shared with me his own (and current) questioning, and that how he believes that a lot of what is taught (in all religions) is historically based and no longer serves a purpose in our scientific world. We talked about infertility treatments - he said he thought they were "a gift" and in no way does he believe in a God that hand picks people to have babies or not. Most importantly, he said something along the lines of that the only concept of "God" that is important is the one you personally have - whether it is an old guy in a white beard or a beautiful fall leaf or whatever or nothing. Amazing. I felt such space when he said that. He truly blew my mind away and challenged a lot of my stereotypes of dogmatic Christianity.

He also gave me this book called "A New Christianity for a New World: Why Traditional Faith is Dying and How a New Faith is Being Born" by John Shelby Spong. He said that he would probably be judged by many as a "non-Christian" for giving me a book by this author. He also said that he didn't care if I ever came back to his church, but he would love to have another conversation with me when I finished the book. I agreed.

I think the most important thing I took from the conversation was that I need to have more confidence in the very special path that I am on (that we're all on). I'm confused. I ask a lot of questions. I'm a skeptic. So what? Why do I sometimes judge myself as "bad" or "strange" for these things? I need to instead learn to love myself for having the determination and courage to dig deep. Amen.

51 - Well hello Aunt Flow...

2008-10-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

Finally. I was officially 12 days late. When I was in for that ultrasound to check for cysts, my ob/gyn said my lining was at 16mm and to expect a heavy period. It's pretty normal actually...makes me wonder if my uterus lining is always this thick. I'm thinking about it because a couple of other blogs have discussed lining lately...CCRM didn't say it was a problem, but my lining was at 15mm the day of the transfer...hmmmm.

I finished my Social Welfare Policy paper on embryonic stem cell research. We had to read both platforms. Ok, I am going to go out on a limb here and risk pissing a bunch of people off, but I don't even care. That's the beauty of blog - it fully exercises my right of free speech.

So, McCain has listed embryonic stem cell research under the "Human Dignity and Sanctity of Life" category of the issues section on his website. Obviously, he has decided, and hopes to make the ideological determination for EVERYONE in the United States, that life begins at conception. Obama lists the same issue under the "Women" category under the issues section on his website. McCain doesn't even have a "Women" section. Apparently, he wants my embryos to have MORE rights than I do as a full-developed human being. Bastard.

Those of you reading who are fellow ivfers are probably already aware of the ramifications for infertility treatments if the federal government makes the determination - either directly or indirectly through legislation - that an embryo has the same rights as a "person".

This appeal is actually to friends and family who read this blog who may not know that if McCain gets into office, he will try HARD to pass legislation that has the potential to eventually remove Alex and my right to pursue infertility treatments...or at least make it more difficult. I know this is an economic election (obviously), but if you support Alex and I trying hard to have a baby through infertility treatments, then please just give it some thought...just another issue to include in your decision making process. It is worth it to take the time to read the women's issues under both platforms (although you will find all these issues under "Human Dignity and the Sanctity of Life" section on McCain's website)....scary stuff. If you are a woman, be afraid...be very afraid. Then get out on Nov. 4th.....and vote for OBAMA!!!

I have been wanting to say that for awhile...feels good to do so and not care about the consequences! I think that's because I care more about the consequences for myself and this country if Obama doesn't win...

50 - A Cozy, Welcoming Home To Be Filled

2008-10-12T04:14:00.000-07:00

So, I was out doing yard work yesterday morning (another glorious day, I might add), and this car pulls up in front of the house and this lady yells "Excuse me...". I went down by her, assuming she was asking for directions. Nope. Apparently, she lives a few blocks away, and she wanted to stop by and tell me how much she liked our house. She said she loves seeing it on the way home from work...that it looks so cozy and welcoming and for some reason, really full of love. Above is a picture of it. It is obviously really quite modest compared to some of the homes in Ann Arbor. But her taking the time to stop by and tell me how she felt about it made me teary-eyed. She's right - it is welcoming, cozy, and full of love...and some baby (biological or otherwise) will have happy memories in this house.

I was reading Planet Davila's post yesterday...she made a comment about how when she found out that her sister (or is it sister-in-law...sorry about the details, Davs), she naively thought how easy it must be to get pregnant. Reading that reminded me of the time Alex and my naiveness was at an all time high. He was in New York City on a layover. I had about 14 hour free in between work and other obligations, and the ovulation test was positive, so I utilized my travel benefits, hopped on a plane, and spent about 9 hours in NYC - mainly doing the deed. And because this was going to be "the time", he bought candles, we had a nice romantic breakfast...you get the point. I even bought a rubber ducky with "NYC" on it at the airport on my way out. I still have it - only now it just serves as a reminder of how naive I was :-)! The whole thing kind of makes me laugh (KIND OF)...no baby yet, but a pretty good story.

49 - A second bladder...

2008-10-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

That's what I thought when I saw the ultrasound screen at my ob/gyn appointment. I probably did have a large cyst or two that ruptured and the result was a large amount of fluid resting in my pelvis area. Nothing to do about it - just wait for it to reabsorb, which I think it may have by now...no pain today. No AF either - I am officially 6 days late.

Today is an amazing fall day in Michigan. The leaves are getting beautiful, and the highs are suppose to be in the low 70s with "abundant sun". I love it when they say that in the forecast. DH is in Africa - Dakkar today and then heads to Cape Town tonight, then back to Dakkar, then home sometime next Thursday, so I have the weekend to myself. I'm really going to try to enjoy the sunshine. I feel this strong need to bring light back into my life - literally and figuratively. I have felt like I've been on the dark side a little too long...

The other plan for this weekend is to work on my next paper for my US Social Welfare Policy course. We have to pick a political issue, read both platforms, compare, contrast, etc., etc.. I have selected the issue of stem cell research. Ironically, I just noticed on Desperately Seeking Spawn's blog (desperatelyseekingspawn.blogspot.com) that she posted a great article about this topic as well as asked for people's comments about the article. Who knew these blogs would not only provide emotional support, but academic assistance as well! :-).

You know, as I type this I am also getting very inspired to get a massage this weekend. I can tell my body is begging for one. Maybe I will - kind of as a "kiss and make up" for how crappy I've been treating it lately.

Have a great weekend!

P.S. As per some of your suggestions, I did have a piece of real cake, well it was actually a piece of homemade coconut cream pie (thanks DH!), in lieu of my proverbial crap cake from the previous post :-).

48 - BFN with a twist of a cyst....again, seriously?

2008-10-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

So I have been feeling some pain in my left side that feels EXACTLY like how my ovaries felt during the stimulation process - except this time it is only on my left side. I started feeling it about 3 days ago, but it has gotten progressively worse - enough where it kept me up all last night and we contemplated an ER visit. I finally fell asleep, but I don't feel that much differently this morning. So I did some research and found that it is probably one of several things - 1)gas or constipation (don't think so - I could set my clocks by my bowel movements...I know TMI), 2)an ectopic pregnancy (HIGHLY doubtful, but could actually turn out to be my luck), 3) Growth of the corpus luteum (SP) cyst (which I just learned about - always grows after an egg is released, producing the progesterone, then reabsorbs if you are not pregnant, but continues to grow/exist through your first trimester if you are pregnant), which could indicate pregnancy - apparently, a lot of women experience lower left sided pain because of this starting in week 5 (right, that's the reason), or 4) a cyst of some sort that is somehow a result of the fertility drugs - this is possible and probably the most likely cause.

So, apparently a lot of these cysts that develop as a result of the fertility drugs don't reabsorb and have to be surgically removed. I am going to try to get in with my ob/gyn today or tomorrow.

For my fellow ivfers, have any of you experienced this after an unsuccessful cycle?...it's the icing on the big piece of crap cake.

47 - Another pregnant woman...seriously?

2008-10-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

The above picture is of my dog, Kharma. God I love her. Can't you all tell by her eyes that she is really a human trapped in a dog's body?

So is it just me (and I am talking to my fellow ivfers in waiting) or is everyone pregnant or with a child...or two...or three? I seriously find myself dreading to go to Target because only pregnant women go to Target...sometimes I wonder how I slip by the door without the secret code. It's enough to send me into loony land.

Hence one of the reasons I have been seeing my therapist a little more frequently in the last few weeks :-). We've had some struggles, but she has really been a great support over the last week or so. One thing we talked about at our last session is how I've just been isolating and over-functioning way too much since the BFN...and how that really is a recipe for disaster. So, I came out if my shell a little (ok, a lot) this weekend - we watched the debates with my best friend and her husband, we had people over for dinner on Saturday night, I had coffee and good (and needed) conversation with my best friend this morning, and then we went over to a neighbors house for dinner tonight. And, as I do everything in my life, I have successfully gone to the EXTREME in un-isolating myself...will I ever reach a balance?

Today while I was catching up on reading some ivf blogs, I came across an ad for a domestic adoption agency, filled out the initial application, and felt some sense of control. Sigh.

My period is due today. No signs of anything. No sore boobs. Nothing. Would you believe I allowed myself to think "what if..."? I mean, despite the depression, the romps in the sack have been good and frequent. Then I quickly read up and found out that the first full cycle after ivf is often delayed. I'm going with that - it's the much easier option than being hopeful, and sometimes I just need "easy".

Sometimes you just have to scream "FUCK!" (Sorry to all those reading this blog who have believed that sweet Christina doesn't drop the F-bomb...she does, and pretty frequently these days) :-).

46 - The taking action phase - September 21st, 2008

2008-09-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

Wow - I haven't blogged since September 9th. It has been quite a ride since then. We are doing ok - functioning. We still don't feel like we did pre-IVF...we just feel this emotional heaviness. I'm not sure how else to explain it. Alex says he can tell I am sad. I think I went through a little bit of depression, but I feel like I'm on the other side of it.

The reason I say that I may be on the other side of it is that I have been taking steps the last few days to take charge of our fertility once again. I went through a period immediately following the BFN of doing things specifically counterproductive to fertility - such as having a diet pepsi and donut for breakfast. Let's face it - I was just mad at my body for betraying me, and therefore, I decided to punish it for a few weeks. I now feel like taking that energy I was using for negative behavior and putting it into something positive...

Many of you reading this blog know that I just started a Master's in Social Work (MSW) program this fall. This is a very academically challenging program - much more than I anticipated. My eventual, long-term goal (I'm talking 10-15 years from now - after a several years of experience in agencies) is private practice. I figure I've just added "infertility" to my direct experience hat. I am currently taking a course in US Social Welfare Policy. We just had to write a paper on a pending piece of legislation of our choice - I chose the Family Building Act of 2007 (currently a bill). You can find it at http://thomas.loc.gov. This bill basically states that insurance companies (under specific circumstances based on specific definitions and treatments) would be required to cover infertility treatments. Right now, 15 states have laws requiring varying degrees of coverage. Unfortunately, Michigan is not one of the 15 states. It is an interesting bill to read through if you have the chance. The thing I found most interesting was a statement under the "findings" part of the bill stating that "a fundamental part of the human experience is fulfilling the desire to reproduce". Amen.

The other thing I did today was join Resolve. This is the National Infertility Association. It is only $55 a year and provides a lot of support for the infertility and adoption processes. They offer local group support meetings which I plan on attending in October. I look forward to talking to others who have been through this and hearing about the paths people chose (or didn't choose) in their attempt to become parents.

I hope this finds you all well.

45 - The past few days - Sept. 8th, 2008

2008-09-08T05:03:00.001-07:00

The above picture was taken when Alex and I decided to take back roads all the away from Estes park to Castle Rock. This scene was taken right off of a small dirt road that followed the river. Good times.

Well, we did in fact go out to dinner the night of the BFN. We both ordered a beer, and when they came, I raised my glass to Alex and said "cheers". He looked at me like I had two heads. I explained - although we are completely devastated by the end result, I wasn't going to let that devastation completely negate the wonderful experience we had with each other while we were out in Colorado. He agreed and raised his glass.

Each of the last few days has had a different feel. On Friday, I felt a strong motivation to have hope for the frozen embryo transfer mixed with a bit of denial. Our frozen embryo report came in the mail on Friday. When I first saw the return address of Lone Tree, CO (the location of CCRM) on the envelope, I thought, "What's this? a rejection letter? -'We regret to inform you that you have failed your first ivf cycle. Please try again.'" I then realized it was actually the FE report with an attached "Frozen Embryo Emergency Contact List" to be filled out and sent back. What immediately went through my mind was "For what? In case the frosties fall of the monkey bars or something?"...add 'sarcastic' to the feel I was experiencing on Friday.

On Saturday, I think the emotional and physical effort of the cycle hit us. My hubby went to the U of M football game and I laid on the couch and watched "Steel Magnolias" and managed to take a shower. When he got home, we took a walk. By the time we got back from the walk, we were both exhausted and just didn't feel good. We made a quick dinner - shortly after we returned from Colorado, I spent a day cooking a bunch of meals I could freeze - in case we were pregnant, and the fall was going to be so busy. Freezing those meals ended up being a great thing the last few days because we didn't feel like cooking, yet it was important for us to at least try to eat healthy. Then we laid on the couch and watched movies all night. It was exactly what we needed that night.

Yesterday (Sunday), we both felt pretty good. We ran errands together and went out for Thai at lunch...nothing a little panang curry can't heal :-)... got a lot of stuff done around the house, went for a walk, and made a nice dinner. I imagine there will be good and bad days for awhile. The one thing I've learned is that the more we just go with the flow and follow our hearts on how we're feeling on a particular day, the less anxiety we feel.

Fall is in full swing. I started teaching and taking classes. The hubby heads back to work this morning. I'm going to pick out a couple of destinations to visit this fall (to go with him on his trips - for those of you who don't know, the hubby is a Delta pilot). I went with him to Rome this summer and we made the comment "Well, this might be the last trip for awhile."....based on the hope that I would be pregnant and not feel like traveling in the fall. Since that's not the case, I'm going to take advantage of these travel benefits for at least three or four more months. We decided that we will return to Colorado for the frozen embryo transfer in January. We want to experience the fall and holidays with hope.

I'll keep posting throughout the fall. Thank you all for so much support...and thank you to those I don't even know who post comments. The comments have been very helpful and supportive.

44 - Beta confirmed BFN - Sept. 4th, 2008

2008-09-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Just got the CCRM call - beta confirmed my negative home pregnancy test this morning. The nurse said she didn't expect the BFN because everything looked so good (in terms of egg quality, uterus, etc.). I almost wish something was obviously wrong - something concrete that could be addressed and changed. She said Dr. Surrey would call tonight and discuss the cycle, but even the nurse admitted that she wasn't exactly sure what would be discussed.

My therapist once claimed that the reason many parts of my life are challenging is because I am destined to be a very wise woman - while I don't disagree with the idea the wisdom often follows suffering, at this moment I would much rather be pregnant and forgo any wisdom gained from this failed ivf cycle.

So here my husband and I sit, trying to come up with questions for the doc. I have a couple: Why the *%$!?@ didn't this work? How much does a frozen transfer cost? and When can we come back for the frozen transfer? That about sums up my questions.

For those of you at CCRM or headed to CCRM, I hope this is not discouraging in anyway. I truly believe CCRM is amazing and is definitely our best shot...I have hope with the frozen embryo cycle. They are a top notch facility with a 62% percent success rate (for my category, 2007 stats)...but some people have to fall in the other 38%. We, unfortunately, were part of that 38%.

We may still go out to dinner tonight - I think that would have been the plan had we received the news of a positive and now, more than ever, I think it is really important for us to nurture and take care of ourselves. The cycle brought us even closer together (which I am so grateful for because it could easily go in the other direction), and it really was a great 17 days in Colorado...I'm actually excited about returning for the frozen embryo transfer at some point.

So I probably won't call anyone tonight...maybe tomorrow or over the weekend. I'll post again sometime in the next couple of days with an update of the conversation with Dr. Surrey.

43 - HPT=BFN 11dp3dt - Sept. 4th, 2008

2008-09-04T09:31:00.001-07:00

So, for those of you not familiar with the crazy world of ivf acronyms, HPT=BFN 11dp3dt stands for "home pregnancy test equals big fat negative 11 days past the 3 day transfer". That happened today (as well as yesterday, 10dp3dt). Now I know - hpt's are evil when if comes to ivf, but I also know that the chance of them being accurate the day of the beta blood test is pretty high. So we are expecting bad news...but won't know for a fact until late afternoon early evening today. I just got back from the beta blood test.

The other strange thing is that last night I had this dream that I was doing all the things I can't do right now during the 2 week wait - I was running, eating crap and diet, caffeine soda, drinking beer, and vigorously doing housework (I love housework and it has actually been a challenge to not do it the past week...I know, I'm a freak that way). Not a great dream, obviously, because doing all those things would mean that we're not pregnant.

I will tell you that if it is confirmed negative with the beta, I am having a drink...or two, or three tonight. Although, I might consider going direct to a heroin addiction considering that I have become so proficient with the needle - kidding, of course...probably a distasteful joke, but I have to keep the humor some how :-). It will be devastating and I will probably turn off my phone, crawl onto the couch and drown myself in comfort food, soda, and Coronas for the next few days. But then I will get up, brush off, call CCRM and make plans for the frozen transfer (I'm so grateful for our two little "frosties"...another unofficial ivf term for frozen embryos which my husband hates, sorry babe). I'm strong - that's one thing I have realized through this process that I really didn't understand before. All couples who make it through a whole cycle of ivf (and of course, there are plenty of couples who make it through multiple cycles of ivf) are extremely strong individuals - there would be no way to make it through this otherwise.

So look for another post tonight. Hopefully with surprise good news, or perhaps with the expected news. Either way, we'll be okay...even if it takes a few days.

42 - Transfer details - August 30th, 2008

2008-08-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

The above picture was taken the day before we left Colorado. I know you can only see their backsides, but this mom and baby would come by every morning around 7AM for a little drink from the fountain.

Sorry about the delay in blogging...I just haven't been in the mood since we returned on Wednesday night. So here is a catch up on the details of the transfer.

On the day of the transfer, the hubby and I went out to breakfast at a great place called MiMi's Cafe near CCRM (off of Yosemite near the mall, for those of you who may be going to CCRM). I ate a pretty big breakfast because the I didn't want to take the Valium (taken before the transfer) on an empty stomach. Besides, I really like big breakfasts - this was a good excuse. We arrived at CCRM at 8:30AM. They immediately took me back for blood work - they wanted to check my estrogen level (more on this later). Then I was immediately sent upstairs for the acupuncture treatment.

They took me back to a room that looked very similar to a massage therapy room - soft, new age music, low lighting, nature pictures on the wall. However, this room was right in the middle of their other operating rooms. I got undressed and they had warm blankets to cover up with - the blankets literally felt like they had just come out of an oven...very cozy. I asked if my hubby could come in for the whole process and they said he could, so he did. Then the acupuncture lady came back in the room and did her thing - it was only about 10 needles total. She explained the theory about how the fertility acupuncture balances the energy and hormones and improves blood flow to the uterus. I don't know a ton about acupuncture, but if all it did was relax me for the transfer, it was completely worth the $225 (especially in the scheme of $20,000...I'll lay out specific costs in another post). After she initially put in the needles, she left for about 15 minutes, then came back in for a little "tweaking"...that hurt a little in a few places, but nothing unbearable. Then she left again, and when she came back about 10 minutes later, she removed all the needles. She said good bye and told me she would see me for the rest of the treatment after the transfer. She also told me to start drinking my water because a full-bladder would be needed for the transfer.

So I drank. And waited. And drank some more. And waited. And drank, and drank, and drank....about a liter and a half, actually. First, a nurse popped in and gave me the Valium. Then FINALLY the ultrasound tech came in with the ultrasound machine in tow - everything was a little delayed because they had an emergency surgery that morning. The ultrasound tech was going to check my bladder - "How's the bladder?" she asked. "Super great" I said through the pain..."I tend to over achieve" I told her,"Filling my bladder is no exception.":-) As soon as she put the ultrasound on my belly she said something along the lines of "Holy %&%*! How have you not pissed yourself?". She immediately took me to a bathroom and handed me a very large plastic cup - "Here - fill this.". Honestly, pissing in that cup felt more relaxing than the $225 acupuncture treatment :-).

I returned to the room and then realized that the actual transfer would take place in this same room - it was so peaceful and private...I was very pleased. Soon, the doctor came in - Dr. Gustofson. We had actually been working with Dr. Surrey the whole time, but at one point Dr. Surrey advised us that depending on what day of the week our transfer happened, the transfer may be done by another doctor. He told us, of course, not to worry - that all the docs there were equally qualified and that actually the real magic was performed by the embryologists behind the scenes. So Dr. Gustofson gave us the quality/number report (see previous blog) and confirmed that we wanted two embryos transferred - this was his recommendation as well. When the papers were signed, the embryologist rolled in her machine - hard to explain what the machine looked like or did, but there was a computer screen where you could see the embryos (where the embryo picture came from - the hubby took a pic of the computer screen). Then the doc did a practice transfer with the catheter to make sure there were no problems. During this whole time the ultrasound was going so I could see my uterus. The practice transfer went very smoothly. Then the embryologist very carefully handed the doc the embryos. We watched the ultrasound, and we could see a very bright light go about half way into my uterus...the light wasn't our embryos (they're too small to show up on the ultrasound). The light was actually the air bubble that pushed the embryos into my uterus. Everyone in the room said everything looked great, and they all wished us all the "best" - which, of course, at that point translated into a BABY (everyone there hopes for 1 baby because apparently multiples are considered a "management failure" on the part of the clinic...due to the increased risks involved for both babies and mom).

The acupuncture lady came back in for the second half of the treatment (which was exactly like the first), then we were on our way. Overall, it was really a wonderful experience.

So since the transfer, we found out that they were able to freeze two additional embryos. We were so happy - I said early on that if we got two high quality ones for a fresh transfer and two good quality ones to freeze that I would consider this whole process a success. Now we have another opportunity if it doesn't take this time or we have the option for siblings.

Pregnancy blood test is this Thursday, Sept. 4th. Not sure if I will post between now and then.

41 - Transfer- August 24th, 2008

2008-08-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here they are - the two embryos that are hopefully hanging on tight in my uterus as I type!

Today went very smooth - we were so pleased with our embryo quality report -

1 - 8 cell - A+, no fragmentation (one of the two pictured above)
2 - 8 cell - A, less than 5% fragmentation
1 - 9 cell - A, less than 5% fragmentation
1 - 10 cell - A, less than 5% fragmentation (one of the two pictured above)
1 - 5 cell - B-C grade, not sure about the fragmentation

The doctor said that the 3 eggs that matured and fertilized a day later didn't look as good, but he said that based on the above numbers we could end up with between 2-3 to freeze...that would be a bonus. We are just so pleased we had good quality ones to transfer today.

So, now's the 48 hour bed rest stint...I still a little sleepy from the valium, so I will post more details about the transfer tomorrow.

40 - Fertilization Report - August 23rd, 2008

2008-08-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I guess 6 of the 14 eggs were mature at the time of retrieval. They ICSI'd all 6 that day (August 21st) and all 6 fertilized normally. Then by Friday morning (August 22nd) 4 more eggs had matured and they ICSI'd those as well. We just got the report this morning that 3 of those 4 eggs fertilized normally - a total of 9 fertilized eggs. I thought they would have graded the first 6 today, but they said they won't grade them until Day 3 (tomorrow). They also said that the 3 they fertilized a day later won't probably be ready to be considered for the fresh transfer, so they will keep watching them for possible freezing.

We will be doing a Day 3 transfer tomorrow at 10:15AM. We will show up at 8:30AM because I have elected to do the acupuncture treatment. So they do that first, then the transfer, then another round of acupuncture, then home for 48 hours of strict bed rest. We will head back to Michigan on Tuesday morning, arriving home Wednesday afternoon.

I started the progesterone suppositories today - not a big deal. The nurse said that the applicator gets the progesterone high enough that you don't have to lay down for 15 minutes or anything afterwords.

The hubby and I are just doing laundry, cleaning the rooms we've been using at the friend's house we've been staying at, and preparing for the 2 days of bed rest and our Tuesday departure.

39 - Retrieval - August 21st, 2008

2008-08-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

The above picture is a result of my husband screwing around while I was waiting for the anesthesiologist to come in before retrieval. He took it on his iphone. I told him to send it to some of my closest friends and title it "Christina on vacation in Colorado". We have a similar picture of me laying on the table waiting for the ultrasound on our one day work-up at CCRM. I think my husband takes unflattering pictures of me on his iphone as a form of stress relief during this process. Ah well, better than hitting the bottle or doing drugs, I guess :-). My form of stress relief at this wait time was holding my breath in an attempt to see how low I could get my heart rate - of course, I was hooked up to all the monitors. We were both being completely silly, and I've discovered that "silly" is a good way to be at various times throughout this process.

The retrieval went great. No problems. No bleeding. No cramping. No nausea. I have never had any kind of surgery before, so I asked the anesthesiologist if she could give me some extra anti-nausea meds just in case. She was happy to comply. I probably would have been okay without the extra, but I just didn't want to have the additional stress of worrying about being nauseated. Last time I had looked at the clock before they rolled me into the operating room was 12:21PM...when I opened my eyes in recovery, it was 1:08PM. The nurse was right there and asked about my pain. I told her "no pain" and she brought me some crackers and ginger ale. I was starving and thirsty because the last time I ate/drank was 8PM the previous night. Then the nurse we had been working with since the beginning of this journey at CCRM stopped by to give me a hug and see how we were doing. I love her - she is such an angel. Then I moved to a reclining chair and the embryologist came up to discuss the results. 14 eggs. We were pleased. And it looked like my husband did a good job as well :-). There is a chance we may not have to do ICSI, or maybe only half ICSI.

The nurse explained that I should drink plenty of fluids and eat a lot of salt the rest of the day to prevent hyperstimulation. No problem - I love salt and had actually been avoiding salty food since prior to the stim process. So on the way home we stopped by the store to pick up cheetos (I've been craving them - today was a great excuse). When I first got home from retrieval, I watched a little tv and had some lunch and made a few phone calls. Then I took a two hour nap. When I woke up from the nap was the first time I felt any pain...but two max strength Tylenol took care of it. Then the hubby and I went out to dinner.

No more shots! I've decided to do the suppositories 3Xday of progesterone instead of the shots. Those will start tomorrow. 9 days from today, I will also start estrogen patches. For the next few days I will also be on tetracycline, medrol, and
baby aspirin.

So today is the big fertilization phone call. They said they would probably call before noon (denver time).

38 - Trigger shot complete/summary - August 20th, 2008

2008-08-20T06:12:00.001-07:00

So the trigger shot is complete. It did not hurt at all, but I did numb the area a little with some ice. The trigger shot is HCG which will induce ovulation. Today we just go in for blood work in a hour or so - they want to make sure that we injected the HCG correctly. No more shots or drugs for today.

Summary of our cycle so far:

49 sub q shots total (lupron, menopur, gonal) + 1 HCG im shot
Started the lurpon/dexamethasone on 07/28/08
Started the stim drugs on 08/09/08 - 2 amps menopur, 150 gonal, 5 lupron

6 stim check ultrasounds:
STIM DAY 4 - 08/12/08 - baseline, eggs are small, E2 (estradiol) was low - 121
up stims to 2 amps menopur, 300 gonal, 5 Lurpon,
STIM DAY 6 - 08/14/08 - eggs are small, about 4-5 maturing, E2 - 433
stims still 2 amps menopur, 300 gonal, 5 lurpon
STIM DAY 8 - 08/16/08 - better, still about 5-6 maturing, E2 - 866
stims still 2 amps menopur, 300 gonal, 5 lurpon
STIM DAY 9 - 08/17/08 - still about 5-6 maturing + some slow growers, E2 - 1794
reduced stims to 2 amps menopur, 150 gonal, 5 lurpon
STIM DAY 10 - 08/18/08 - about 7-8 close to mature + some slow growers, E2 - 2096
stims still reduced to 2 amps menopur, 150 gonal, 5 lurpon
STIM DAY 11 - 08/19/08 - about 13 close to mature!, E2 - 2899
stims reduced to 2 amps menopur, 5 lurpon, no gonal

TRIGGER SHOT: 08/20/08 at 1AM
RETRIEVAL: Scheduled for 08/21/08 at 12PM (Denver)

I know I say this over and over, but it has been so wonderful being away from home for this process. There is no obligations - no house to clean, no lawn to care for, etc.. We have been spending our days reading, eating, watching movies, and watching the mountains and wildlife. I wonder if this contributes to the reason why CCRM has good success rates. They do have a large number of out-of-area patients and when those patients come here, while they do have the normal stress of the cycle, they don't have any of the obligations they would have at home. Can't recommend this place enough.

I probably won't post tomorrow, but I will post on Friday about the retrieval.

37 - Trigger Night - August 19th, 2008

2008-08-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

The above pic is my stomach on day 11 of the stimulation drugs...are they sure I'm not pregnant yet :-)?

So we got the word this afternoon that we can go ahead and give the trigger shot tonight...or rather at 1AM tomorrow morning (Wednesday morning). The timing is very critical. The hubby is going to give it to me, which will be the first shot I haven't given myself since this whole process has started. It is an IM shot. Our retrieval is scheduled for 12PM (Denver time) on Thursday.

Today was a good day - the ultrasound looked great...quite a few more mature follicles than yesterday. It looked like the possibility of 13 mature eggs at the time of retrieval. And my estrogen was 2866 which seems like a good number given the number of mature follicles.

CCRM is amazing. We were frustrated that we had to wait an additional day for the trigger shot, but it looks like that additional day may have gotten us several more eggs. They are brilliant, and I am so happy with our decision to be here.

I'm going to catch some zzzz's before the shot...good night.

36 - Mile 18 - August 18th, 2008

2008-08-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

Back in 1999 I ran the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington, D.C.. Miles 1-12 felt great...lots of excitement. Miles 12-17 started to get a little tougher, but were still manageable. Then mile 18 came - the mile when I felt completely torn between two worlds - the knowledge that this, too, would soon end and I would feel completely elated at such an accomplishment and the fear that I was actually going to die before I crossed the finish line. We are at mile 18 in this ivf process.

We just got the news that they want us to do yet another night of stimulation medication. We were really hoping that they would give us the go ahead for the trigger shot tonight, which would mean a Wednesday retrieval. Now the earliest day for retrieval will be Thursday. My estradiol only rose to 2093 from 1794 yesterday - nothing to be concerned about, but I think that number allows for a few more days of egg growth without running the risk of hyperstimulation (which can be dangerous).

So tomorrow look for a post unfortunately titled "Sixth Ultrasound and Blood Work".

Tonight we are going out for Mexican with the woman we are staying with...for some reason I can't remember the last time I've looked so forward to Mexican food - must be the hormones :-).

35 - Dreams of med dosages - August 18th, 2008

2008-08-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

The above picture is taken on the deck of the house we are staying at while in Colorado...humming birds everywhere.

Last night was a true example of how invasive the whole ivf process really is...I spent a majority of the night (so it felt) dreaming of various med dosage situations. In one dream, the clinic called and said that because my estradiol was so high, they needed to but me on different meds for another 5 days. So then, in my dream, I was spending a ton of time online learning everything I could about the new meds and finding out what being on meds for an additional 5 days did to the success statistics. This is just one example of several med dosage dreams I had last night...time to officially stay off the internet, you think?

Had my 5th ultrasound and blood work (and hopefully last before trigger/retrieval) this morning. The lab tech who drew my blood told me an inspiring story. Her daughter did ivf through ccrm. They got 19 eggs from her, but by day 5 after fertilization, all but 1 egg died. They implanted that one egg and she is now due in about 3 weeks...

I will post again this afternoon when we find out if tonight will be trigger night.

34 - Fourth Ultrasound and blood work - August 17th, 2008

2008-08-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

So today was the fourth ultrasound and blood work. For the first time since the whole process has started, we felt really happy when we saw the ultrasound...lots of big eggs. She actually measured 14 eggs today, with about 8 of them looking close to mature (able to fertilize). We are also learning that the eggs really keep growing, so the number can increase at every ultrasound. As for my blood work, my estrogen came back at 1794 today...yikes...considering it was 891 yesterday. That is a really big jump in 24 hours - almost too big. So they cut my stim meds in 1/2 tonight. There is a chance we might trigger tomorrow night for a Wednesday retrieval.

I'm still feeling pretty well - just very tired and exceptionally hungry. The sun has finally come out after three days of rain (which wasn't bad at all - a great excuse to crawl under the covers and take long naps...as if large doses of hormones isn't enough of an excuse :-)). The hubby and I just came back from a long walk. Our 5th ultrasound (and hopefully last before retrieval)is tomorrow morning.

33 - Third ultrasound/ blood work - August 16th, 2008

2008-08-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

The above picture is the view from the house we are staying at while we are in Colorado.

Today's ultrasound went better - the eggs are growing nicely. It looks like they will probably get 10 eggs with about 6-7 probably fertilizing. We were again reminded that it only takes 1 to make a baby. Now we are just waiting for the routine afternoon call about my blood levels. They might do the egg retrieval on Tuesday now...we'll know more tomorrow.

Today is the first day I'm starting to feel things physically - my stomach area is sore and I am pretty tired. I'm not bitchy, though (I confirmed this with my husband)...pretty sensitive, but at least not making other people's lives miserable :-).

Colorado is very rainy and cold today - 45 degrees. The hubby and I are having a bum day - just eating, surfing the net, reading, and watching movies. We have another ultrasound/ blood work date tomorrow.

32 - IVF=DRAMA FEST - August 14th, 2008

2008-08-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

So this is the biggest thing I've learned so far...this process of ivf is one big roller coaster where all you can do is raise your hands high in the air, scream at the top of your lungs, and hope you don't get thrown off.

Today was our second ultrasound and blood work day. The minute the ultrasound tech started, my heart sank. You could tell that my eggs had not grown much at all since the previous ultrasound on Tuesday. I said "Wow, those are really small.". She said "Yes they are.". As soon as she left the room I looked at Alex and shook my head "Not good". He agreed. Then we met with the nurse to review the ultrasound. And, of course, I was already in tears by the time she entered the room. "This isn't good" I kept saying. She never denied that, but just said "We need to see what your estradiol level is this afternoon. If it hasn't climbed, we'll cancel the cycle.". I was devastated. I never knew that canceling the cycle at this point was even a possibility. I thought for sure we'd at least make it to implantation. WTF !(For those of you who aren't aware of what "WTF" means, ask someone. I'm trying to keep this site clean - which will probably become increasingly difficult as my hormones continue to surge :-)).

So I tried to hold it together through the blood work which, of course, was an impossible task. I asked the blood lab tech if she sees a lot of weepy women - "A ton", she said, "Those hormones do quite a job on you girls' bodies.". Then, if that wasn't torture enough (by the way, they even had trouble getting my vain with a butterfly needle today), I had to stick around for a physical. The physical went fine. By the time I got to the car I was sobbing. I totally blew my religious diet on a cheeseburger, french fries, and a diet pepsi at lunch...attempted sabotage on my uncooperative eggs...but then, by 3:00PM, there was a ray of hope...

The nurse called and said that my estradiol actually looked wonderful today - Up from 121 to 433...a great number indicating the possibility of good egg quality and continued growth. Alas, my cycle has not been cancelled.

So we have another day off tomorrow. Because my eggs are kind of growing slowly, they cancelled tomorrow's ultrasound...fine by me. We need a day to rest from all this drama. The next ultrasound will be Saturday morning. Oh, and because the eggs are growing slowly, retrieval will now be delayed several days. That's okay. I'm just grateful my estradiol went up today...baby steps...and back to my protien shakes and fresh fruit and vegetables after my lapse in diet behavior.

Welcome to the ivf drama fest!

31 - Low Estradiol - August 12th, 2008

2008-08-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

So I just got a phone call from the nurse...my estradiol is lower than they would like to see, so they are doubling my stimulation drugs starting tonight. I guess estradiol is an indication of how the follicles are responding to the drugs. Bummer. Another bummer is that based on the new doseage, I had to order more drugs...another $750.00 worth. Double bummer. So the hope is that by Thursday this estradiol number will have increased considerably. Again I am grateful that I am in the care of CCRM and they are really on top of this. As my friend put it - they really want to do everything in their power to help us have a baby.

As I a type this I am watching a storm approach over the mountains. The wind is really kicking up...another reminder that regardless of how much technology we have, Mother Nature still has the ultimate control.

30 - In Colorado/First Ultrasound - August 12th, 2008

2008-08-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I made it to Colorado. The drive was very smooth, with an overnight stop in Omaha. We are so fortunate to be staying with my friend's sister for the first week of this process. We are staying in a beautiful house - the back of the house is all windows and looks out onto the Rockies. Yesterday, when I was settling into our room, a deer came up about three feet from the bedroom window. And I hear there is a neighborhood black bear, which I am hoping to see... from a distance. This is a very peaceful location for these eggs to grow...

This morning was the first ultrasound at CCRM. It was good to see our nurse, Marsha. She gave me a big hug...I feel like we have a connection because I have emailed her so much since our last visit. The ultrasound and blood work went fine, although they are reluctant to give too much information at this point. I wanted to scream "THROW ME A BONE - I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE WRONG", but I understand their position - it is just to early to tell either way. I think the purpose of today's ultrasound was to get a baseline. I am waiting for a call back from the nurse about the blood work and to see if the doc wants to up the med doses.

In terms of the effects of the stim drugs - I did have a major headache the first day, but it is hard to tell if it was because of the stim drugs or because it was a particular day in my cycle (I happened to get it on the day I usually get a headache in my cycle). Last night I did start to notice some bloating, but I don't mind. To me, it is a sign that the eggs are growing.

Tomorrow is a day off from ultrasounds/blood work. The hubby and I are headed south to visit some of his distant relatives. It is suppose to be a beautiful drive, and I am looking forward to it. Thursday we resume with the ultrasounds and bloodwork, and, we just found out today, that my husband has to give a back-up sample in case something goes wrong with the sample he gives on the day of the retrieval.

So that's the latest. I stopped by Whole Foods after my ultrasound and made myself a nice salad to have for lunch. I totally deserve it...and so do my eggs. So I am going to have a little nap right now, then I am going to sit out on the deck, eat my salad, read a book, and be thankful that we are going through this process in the middle of the beautiful Rockies.

29 - Time to hit the road - August 10th

2008-08-10T03:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished the painting I had been working on as a meditative/positive thinking art therapy. I finished it last night. This is a painting of my uterus and the multicell embryos that will hopefully try to implant. At first I thought it may be risky to paint this in case the procedure doesn't work, but then I realized that the chance of us at least getting to this stage is very high.

Time to hit the road. I may or may not post from Omaha depending on the internet situation.

28 - Abundant Support - August 9th, 2008

2008-08-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

So today was the first day of three shots - Menopur in the morning, Gonal and Lurpon at night (and the Dexamethasone pill). Everything went fine and I really don't feel any side effects from the additional drugs yet.

We are so fortunate to have so many supportive friends and family as we go through this...all kinds of fun things happened this week. On Wednesday I received a package of candy and a music card wishing us luck from a long time friend from the place I use to work at. Then that night my husband gave me a very thoughtful care package - it contained color pencils and a sketchbook, a romance book that takes place in Italy, some dark chocolate, magazine, etc.. And then on Friday I received another care package from my three best friends (of 28 years) with, again, very thoughtful items - lounge pants, healthy food, a book about friendship, magazines, etc.. Then that night another good friend let me pick out one of her stuffed animals (I chose the stuffed unicorn) to take with me for comfort. I've put together a care package for the hubby, but I can't list the contents as he may read this before he receives it. Perhaps the best "good luck" send off came from my best friend's son. He drew me a picture. I was obviously in the middle of the picture, with two smallish people on each side. I asked my him who the one small person was. He said "your baby"...his smile was beaming ear to ear. He was the other small person in the picture. I'm bringing the picture with us to hang in our room in Colorado.

So as I get ready for bed the night before we head out west, I can say that I feel content, relaxed, and at peace. I feel nurtured and cared for - by myself and my loved ones. And I feel healthy. And I feel tired. Good night.

27 - Suppression Ultrasound - August 7th, 2008

2008-08-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

So today was the day of my suppression ultrasound and blood work. This could not be completed through my ob/gyn office, so I again had to schedule through the hospital. I called as soon as my period arrived (Tuesday) and scheduled it for 7:15AM this morning. They did a external and trans vaginal ultrasound this time, checking to make sure the lupron was doing its job and suppressing any eggs from developing. I had to drink 48 ounces of water 1 hour prior to the test, but was allowed to go to the bathroom as soon as the external portion was complete, prior to the trans vaginal part. The Manifestation of the Devil (i.e. the speculum....see other posts to read about my relationship with that thing) was not used and it was a uneventful exam. It was a little uncomfortable having an ultrasound while I was only on Day 3 of my period and still bleeding a little heavy, but I got over it pretty quickly. The most exciting part of the exam was the following: when my lab tech confirmed my birthday (12/26/74), her eyes got huge. She has the EXACT same birthday - same year and everything. I'm going to take it as a sign that good things are about to come...

I also had blood drawn today - progesterone and estradiol. I gave my whole butterfly needle speech, and Hallelujah, the lab person listened to me and immediately used the butterfly needle and even thanked me for being so forward with that information. I seriously wanted to kiss her.

So then I just waited for my CCRM nurse to call with the results. She called at about 4PM est and said the blood work looked great, but she hadn't received the ultrasound results yet. I called the lab here in Michigan and the results were in...they faxed them as soon as I called. My CCRM nurse called back within a few minutes and said everything looked great and we were ready to go. Tonight I will cut the lurpon dose in half and continue with the dexamethasone. Then on Saturday, the fun begins. I will take a shot of Menopur in the morning (2 amps) and a shot of 150 of the Gonal-f in the evening (along with continuing the lurpon and the dexamethasone).

The CCRM nurse also informed me that the insomnia was a result of the lupron removing all the estrogen from my system. She said that the insomnia would go away as soon as I start the other drugs and informed me that I could take a sleeping aid, such as my all time favorite, Tylenol PM. I'm going to try to hold off and sleep on my own for now - the last two nights were a little better.

So the next step is to prepare to drive out to Denver. I'll probably post everyday now through the whole process out in Denver.

26 - Insomnia and side effects - August 2nd, 2008

2008-08-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

So it is 3:17AM est and I am wide awake. I have actually been wide awake since 2:00AM, but gave it my good hour try in bed before making the decision to get up. This, unfortunately, is how it has been since I started the lurpon and dexamethasone on Sunday. The most aggravating issue about this is that I also can't sleep much during the day. I have never done speed before, but I can only imagine that this is what it feels like. I bet the drugs aren't solely to blame for the insomnia - I am sure there is a psychological element to it. When I do wake up, my mind starts spinning about the whole process and I can't seem to turn it off. Hopefully, in a day or two, I will be blogging about my solutions to this insomnia...but I haven't figured a solution out yet.

The one thing I did do is clear my plate for this weekend. I had intentions of going to a family reunion on Saturday and Sunday, but after not sleeping all week I realized that I should probably cancel in case I finally do crash this weekend. I already feel that just making the space to really take care of myself has alleviated some stress.

The other side effect I am experiencing is that I am bruising at the injection site (s). I read about this a little last night and found out that it is a result of jabbing the needle in too hard. I know I've been doing this - I just want to get it over with. One suggestion was to ice the injection site area. This numbs to area and makes it easy to put the needle in very slowly. So tonight I will give that a try.

The fertility diet has become a little more challenging as a result of starting the drugs - again, I think this is more psychological than physical. The best way I have found to deal with this and continue to stay on course is to address one meal at a time. I say to myself "Okay, I just have to drink my protein shake and eat my multi-grain toast and peanut butter for breakfast...then I will reevaluate at lunch.", rather than thinking about how I am going to need to deprive myself all day of foods I am starting to really want. If this fails, the mantra "it's for the baby" usually does the trick.

Overall, these side effects are minor. I am trying my best to go with flow and take care of myself at all costs, even if that means some serious breaches in social etiquette.

25 - First Night of Shots - July 27th, 2008

2008-07-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the hospital lab (because it is a Sunday and the office labs weren't open) and got my P4 drawn (progesterone). This was to make sure that I ovulated. SIDE NOTE: I begged the lab person to use a butterfly needle because I have bad veins...she refused because she was "so good". Guess what? She had to poke me in both arms before she got any blood...and did eventually use a butterfly needle. CCRM used butterfly needles as a standard practice..thank goodness. Anyway, the results were sent to CCRM within a couple of hours. I called the on-call nurse. She reviewed the lab results and gave me the go ahead to start the Lupron and Dexamethasone.

So tonight at 8PM I gave myself my first shot of Lupron...not painful at all, although the area around the shot got a little tender. CCRM has a link to videos (on the homepage of their website) that show you how to give the shots - very helpful. Also, I read somewhere that you should reward yourself after the shots so that they don't become a source of dread. I think this is a great idea and plan on coming up with a reward routine in the next couple of days. I just took my dexamethasone and now plan to head to bed. It feels good to finally get this process started and I am in great spirits.

Nothing other than the Lupron and Dexamethasone until my period starts (probably August 4th or 5th). Then I go in for an ultrasound and blood work here in Michigan. If these tests show that the Lupron has successfully shut down my ovaries, then the real fun begins...the stimulation drugs.

24 - Food for IVF and beyond - Month of July

2008-07-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Based on the book "The Fertility Diet" (which I purchased several months ago, but didn't implement until about three weeks ago) and recommendations from my CCRM nurse, I have made major diet changes...I feel WONDERFUL and very healthy. Here are some of the guidelines I've been following:

ABSOLUTELY NO:
caffeine (including chocolate)
alcohol
white flour
processed sugar
processed foods
drinks other than water

EVERYDAY I EAT/DRINK:
-Prenatal vitamin
-Water (about 2 liters)
-1 cup red raspberry leaf or nettle tea
-Three bright/deep colored fruits (raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, cherries)
-Protein smoothie with 1/2 cup organic whole milk yogurt (and above fruits)
-Three brightly colored vegetables (Broccoli, carrots, bell peppers, sweet potatoes)
-One bean/lentil protein (usually for lunch)
-One meat/fish protein (salmon, tilapia, chicken - usually for dinner)
-One extra protein (such as hummus or a hard boiled egg)
-One serving of whole grain/multigrain (such as toast, whole grain pasta, quinoa)
-One serving of nuts (either whole nuts or almond/peanut butter)
-One whole dairy serving (another 1/2 cup yogurt or cottage cheese)

Maintaining this diet has been somewhat time consuming (but completely worth it). Because I am mainly buying fresh food (and organic, when available and affordable), I need to shop more frequently...and because I've been making everything from scratch...this takes a lot of time. Perhaps the most time consuming part of this diet is the mental energy it takes to maintain it...I am use to grabbing a donut and diet pepsi for breakfast...seriously. So, I feel like I am rewiring my brain. Hopefully, it won't feel as consuming once the rewiring is complete. My relationship with food is definitely changing - before, nurturing myself was splurging on french fries...now nurturing means a protein smoothie or some red peppers and hummus. I feel like I have such a good start to pregnancy if this ivf cycle is successful.

23 - Meds received - July 15th, 2008

2008-07-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

Somehow we did not hear the fed ex person when he arrived in the morning with the meds (we were both home - we think it was a doorbell malfunction). I just happened to noticed the "sorry we missed you" type tag hanging on the door at about 9AM...I flipped out. Freedom Fertility Drugs emphasized that someone MUST be home to pick up the drugs because one of them (the gonal-f) was temperature sensitive. We called fed ex and attempted to get the truck turned around (without much success). So I then called the pharmacy to get the true scoop...would my meds actually be okay if I didn't pick them up until 4PM from the fed ex pick-up place? Yes, the gonal-f was actually packed with ice packs and only had to remain room temperature.

So I arrived at fed ex at exactly 4PM and picked up my crate of meds. Okay, maybe not a crate, but to me, the box looked huge...I think that is because I know that all those drugs will be going into my body over a relatively short period of time. Here is a list of the contents:

-LUPRON - this is the drug that will shut down my pituitary gland, and, hence, shut down my ovaries...making them a "clean slate" so to speak. I will take the Lupron via shot once a day starting around Day 22 of my cycle.

-DEXAMETHOSONE - this is a steriod that will help prevent my body from rejecting the embryo (i.e. treating it like an invasion). I will take this via pill and start it the same day I start the Lurpon - around Day 22 of my cycle.

-GONAL-F - this is a stimulation drug of pure FSH which will stimulate multiple eggs to mature. I will take this via shot in the evening starting a few days after my period arrives (about 10 days after I start the Lupron).

-MENOPUR - this is another stimulation drug, only this one is a combination of FSH and LH. I will also take this via shot in the morning starting the same day I start the Gonal-f). So at the height of this process, I will be giving myself 3 shots - one in the stomach and one in each of my thighs.

-NOVAREL - this is HSG and will be given via shot (this is the not fun, inter muscular shot which I will probably have a nurse to give it to me) the night before the retrieval to induce ovulation.

-MEDROL - this is another steriod that I will take via pill the night of the retrival (once a day for 4 days). Its purpose is similar to the dexamethosone - to prevent the body from rejecting the embryo (s).

-TETRACYCLINE- this is an antibiotic that is taken via pill four times a day for four days starting the night of retrival.

-ENDOMETRIN - this is the progestarone suppositories which I will begin a day or two after the retrival and continue for a few weeks...keeping my uterus a viable environment for the embryos.

-VIVELLE - this is estrogen which will be given in the form of a patch. I will begin this about 9 days after the retrival.

So now I sit and wait for this med cocktail to begin. I will go for a P4 test (progesterone test) somewhere around July 27th/28th. This will confirm that I have ovulated. If I have, then I will start the Lupon that night.

22 - Meds Available in Canada? (July 2008)

2008-07-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Because we live so close to the Canadian border, I felt it would be worthwhile to investigate obtaining the fertility drugs from Canada. After studying the US Customs and Border Protection website, I've come to the conclusion (which may or may not be accurate) that purchasing/bringing in meds into the US if prescribed by a US doctor is illegal, however, bringing in meds prescribed by a Canadian doctor is not. I googled "pharmacies and Windsor, Ontario" and started making phone calls. The first three pharmacies I tried didn't carry fertility drugs. The forth pharmacy I called carried all the drugs that I would need, but they would only fill a prescription if that prescription was co-signed by a Canadian doctor (which makes sense considering the US customs policy I had read about). Conveniently, they had a phone number for a doctor that, for a small fee, would co-sign the prescription. I called the doctor, and, sure enough, this was the protocol. I could not make an appointment - it was a walk-in clinic.

So, at this point, I decided that the next step would be to price the meds to see if making a trip to Canada would be financially worth it. I was very surprised - based on the pharmacies that I called (and had the meds), the meds were about 15% more expensive in Canada (of course, factoring in the exchange rate). I then priced several places within the US and was very pleased to discover that the pharmacy the CCRM recommended (Freedom Fertility Drugs) was the cheapest I could find. The process of ordering the meds with this pharmacy is very smooth. CCRM called in my order yesterday and today I will call in my credit card number. We will arrange a time for them to arrive - I will have to be home when they arrive because these drugs are temperature sensitive.

21 - Follow-up phone consultation (July 1st, 2008)

2008-07-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

On July 1st, the doctor gave us the results of our ivf work-up over the phone. According to the doctor, the sperm morphology tested the same at CCRM as it did at the University of Michigan (i.e., there is still a morphology problem). This was slightly frustrating and a bit of a surprise - the day after the testing, a CCRM nurse called us and told us that although his sperm morphology was 3% (they like to see 4%), because the rest of the sperm analysis numbers were very good, his sperm was considered "not an issue" (exact words). So prior to this July 1st phone consultation, we were really under the impression that although we would probably continue with IVF, there was a strong possibility that we would not have to do the ICSI procedure (where they inject a single sperm into the egg). The ICSI procedure is about $2500 additional and the sperm aren't given the luxury of fertilizing the egg on their own (which there is some conflicting research about whether or not this ICSI process increases the chances of genetic issues). So the fact that the sperm morphology was still below normal was little bit of a blow, but not a complete surprise....based on the University of Michigan numbers, Dr. Surrey said from our very first phone consultation that we would probably be good candidates for ICSI.

As for me, all my numbers came back fine (which we pretty much knew before we left the work-up) except for my AMH - anti mullerian hormone. This is a new hormone that some clinics are testing (within the last year or so). I have found it very difficult to get a lot of information about this (I asked CCRM and even they couldn't provide me with much additional information). Basically, they think it is an indicator of ovarian reserve and how the patient with respond to the stimulating drugs (low AMH meaning that there is also a low ovarian reserve and less of a response to the drugs). I had an AMH level of .5 and CCRM would like to see an AMH level of 1.0. This is a little confusing to me (and I think actually confusing to the doctor) because all the other hormone testing was fine and I had 18 resting follicles. Needless to say I was (and continue to be) concerned about this AMH number. However, Dr. Surrey assured me that based on the overall picture, we were still good candidates for ivf. The .5 AMH just means that he will put me on a very high protocal of drugs to compensate for any possible difficulties in the stimulation process.

At first, I took the news of this low AMH pretty hard, but the more I thought about it, the more I was grateful that CCRM tests this hormone. If we were going someplace that didn't test this hormone (a lot of places still don't), they probably would have put us on a very low stimulation drug protocal (based on all my other tests), which may not have worked.

So we just got our schedule via email. We start the antibiotic today (doxycycline) and will take it for 10 days. Then it looks like I start the Lupron. I will call the nurse today to see about the next step, which is ordering the meds.

20 - What we learned at the IVF work-up

2008-06-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

What we learned at the IVF work-up:

-CCRM deserves to hold the title of #1 fertility clinic in the US. While not all the testing was exactly pleasurable, the day felt more like a day at the spa than a day of infertility testing. The staff was very professional and compassionate - we felt very cared for.

-Check to see if your insurance company will cover any of the testing. Since our insurance is not that great in most cases, we just assumed that they wouldn't cover a dime of the process. We were wrong - they covered 80%. This saved us about $2,000.

-Do not waste your time getting checked for communicable diseases with your regular doctor/obgyn. CCRM requires that these tests are completed on site.

-Don't stress about the shots...I am a big baby when it comes to shots and medical procedures in general, and I found the first set of shots to be painless (and I gave one to myself in the office). The shots that everyone talks about is the second set of shots that are required just prior to implantation (and then continuing for a couple of weeks minimum). These are the inter muscular shots. However, there is another option to these shots - vaginal suppositories...messy, but not a inter muscular shot.

-If they don't offer you a break during the days testing and ask you if you are okay to "push through", tell them that you would like a break. This break (for us) kept the day stress-free.

Now it's just the wait game until our July 1st phone appointment.

19 - Hysteroscopy (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well, they saved the best for last (not really). The last test of the day was the hysteroscopy. This was different from the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and the sonohysterogram because those two tests were primarily used to see if my tubes were open by filling the cavity with fluid (either saline or iodine). This test actually use a small scope to look very closely inside the uterus. Prior to this, they also did a "trial transfer". My understanding of this test is that they do it to make sure there aren't going to be any anatomy issues that may hinder a smooth embryo transfer - and if there are, this is their opportunity to figure out those issues.

This test was done by Dr. Surrey, and my husband was not allowed to go into the room. A speculum is used. VENTING MOMENT: I HATE that thing...I seriously believe it is a manifestation of the Devil. After they did the trial transfer, they needed to thread the scope through the cervix. My cervix was too small for them to do this without dilating it - so they numbed, then dilated it. The whole process took about 10 minutes. I must be honest and say that it hurt more than the other two (the HSG and the sonohysterogram), but wasn't unbearable because it was only 10 minutes long. The doctor did not give me the results from this test immediately - he will give them to me when we have our phone consultation. They then gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to take for the following 4 days (along with a coupon to get it for free - it is included in the cost of the days testing) - doxycylcine. Also, no intercourse for 5-7 days if they have to dilate your cervix. Couple that with the 5 days of abstinence prior to the semen analysis....it can be a challenging week following this ivf work-up appointment :-).

With the completion of this test, we had made it though our work-up appointments! I'll tell you - it felt like quite an accomplishment. We were in good spirits in that the first real step for us having a child was complete and successful (as far as we knew at this point). We set up another phone consultation with the doctor for July 1st and went on our way. On July 1st, Dr. Surrey will lay out his recommendation and time frame for the next step in the process.

**Near the end of our appointments, we got a nice surprise. The receptionist discovered that our insurance company, United Health Care, would actually cover 80% of the day's testing (testing only - anything after the work-up would be out of pocket). CCRM had just signed an agreement with United Health Care in May.

18 - Base Line Ultrasound (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

After our break, I had the baseline ultrasound. NO CAFFEINE FOR 72 HOURS PRIOR TO THIS TEST. This ultrasound was painless (does not require the use of a speculum). I had my husband come into the room with me. They were checking two things with this ultrasound:

-They were checking to see how many resting follicles I had. These are your potential eggs for that particular month (the exact number of resting follicles varies slightly each month). I had about 17-18 total. I guess for my age, this is a pretty reasonable number. This means that, with the fertility drugs, they have the potential to retrieve 17-18 eggs. The coolest thing was that this was Day 9 of my cycle and you could clearly see the one egg that was maturing to be released for this cycle (via my right ovary) - it was A LOT bigger than the resting follicles. Ahhh....the magic of the human body.

-The second thing that they were testing was blood flow to the uterus (hence the no caffeine rule). My blood flow looked normal. They said that if blood flow looks weak, they may suggest acupuncture following implantation. There is no hard core scientific evidence that acupuncture following the procedure is a solution to weak blood flow to the uterus, but there are some general studies that suggest that it can be helpful. There are no studies that indicate that acupuncture is harmful. I may do it anyway when the time comes...

17 - More blood (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

The next appointment was getting blood drawn for both my husband and myself. I got a lot of the blood testing done through my ob/gyn in Michigan (my husband get has done through his general practitioner) because, at the time, we did not think that our insurance company would cover any costs at CCRM (they eventually did - see "What we learned at the work-up" post). However, CCRM requires all communicable testing (HIV, HEP B, RPR) be done in their lab...we did not realize this until we arrived in Colorado, so I had to get these tests done again at CCRM.

One thing that I have learned through this ivf process is that I have really small and difficult veins. On several occasions I had to be poked in both arms before they could get any blood. Word of advice - if you know you have bad veins, ask them to use a butterfly needle. This worked every time, first try.

After we had our blood drawn, we got about a hour break...thank goodness. This was about 1PM in the afternoon. It wasn't that we were starving or anything- we were just overstimulated by all the information we received in the morning and needed some time away from the clinic to breath and reconnect with each other. If they try to push you through the day, insist on a break (they will be happy to accommodate this).

**After I finished lunch, I remembered to take 800mgs of Motrin (over the counter) for the hysteroscopy that I would be having around 3:00PM.

16 - Shot practice (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

The next appointment was meeting with a nurse. She handed us a very large binder, with a ton of info (we haven't been through the whole thing yet). She mainly explained the drugs and the medical aspects of the ivf process in detail. A large part of this time was spent going through the motions with practice drugs (just saline)...including giving yourself (or having your partner give you) a shot. Basically, the shots prior to egg retrieval are relatively painless. They can be given in your stomach or upper thigh (the nurse said you should probably rotate them to avoid getting sore). The needle is not much longer than a 1/2 inch. This practice session really put my mind at ease.

The night prior to retrieval, you do have to get a larger, inter muscular shot in the rear...less fun. You can either give yourself this shot, have your partner give you this shot, or, if neither of those options sound appealing, you can call for a CCRM nurse to come to your hotel room to give you the shot. Option three, please....I mean, if it is available, I might as well take advantage of it.

I believe the horror stories about the ivf shots are a result of the second part of the ivf process - the progesterone shots. These are the inter muscular big shots in the rear that must be given every day for up to several weeks - starting just prior to retrieval. However, there is another option - vaginal suppositories of progesterone. This is the messier option and must be done three times a day. However, it is a nice alternative to those who have an adverse relationship with the needle. I haven't decided which one of these options I will do.

15 - Financing (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

After paper signing marathon, we met with someone to discuss our plans for financing. Prior to coming to this appointment, we discovered that you can get loans specifically for infertility treatments through Capital One (just Google Capital One and infertility loans). We applied for our desired amount over the phone, and they were able to give us an approval immediately. They have a variety of payment plans, each with low interest rates (the quicker you choose to pay it off, the lower the interest rate). Capital One then contacted CCRM and confirmed that we were patients. The money was then automatically transferred to CCRM. If you need to use some of that loaned money to purchase the fertility drugs, Capital One will cut you as separate check, made out to you, which you can deposit in your personal account to cover the cost of the drugs.

We again signed a bunch of papers (this time all were related to payment). I was impressed with how detailed the costs were broken down and explained to us.

14 - The Hard Ethical Questions (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Some of the paperwork we were required to sign had to do with the actual ivf procedures; other parts of the paperwork had to deal with the hard ethical questions. A friend of ours gave us a heads up about these decisions, and I was SO grateful that we had an opportunity to discuss them in advance. Here are the big ones:

-There is a chance (higher the chance the younger you are) that you will have left over embryos after the procedure. Do you want to freeze them for possible future use? (This will cost around $1000 a year for up to 5 years).

-If you eventually decide not to use all the frozen embryos (or fresh embryos if you decide not to freeze them), what do you want to do with them - donate them to someone, donate them to research, or discard them?

-Who has the right to use the embryos if the other person involved dies or, in the case of a married couple, you get a divorce?

-Do you want genetic testing prior to the procedure to see if your baby would be at risk for a variety of genetic diseases?

13 - Day of IVF work-up (June 18th, 2008)

2008-06-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

We arrived at 8:30AM. They were expecting us and the building was very inviting. The receptionist handed us a schedule of the day's "events" which would take us through about 4PM that afternoon.

-Our first appointment was with Dr. Surrey. It was general in nature; mainly explaining that the ivf work-up would determine the protocol for further treatment. He talked a little bit about the possible benefits of the use of acupuncture immediately following the implantation process and advised us that this option would be available. He also reminded us of the decision that we would be making in regards to how many embryos we would decide to implant. He advised that based on the day's testing results, we may really want to consider implanting one embryo (because the various risks associated with carrying twins). I gave that doctor the paperwork from the tests we had completed in Michigan then we were off to our next appointment...

-The next appointment was the semen analysis (need I explain further?...).

-The next appointment was meeting with a lab assistant to sign and review A LOT of legal paperwork...this requires an separate blog entry.

12 - Where to stay while at CCRM (June 2008)

2008-06-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

After our initial consultation with CCRM (and after we made the decision to head to Colorado for the work-up), they sent us a packet of information including several hotel choices. CCRM has several special rates with near-by hotels. We decided to stay at the Staybridge Suites. This was a great choice - very clean, friendly staff (and quite new). Each room had complete kitchens, sitting area, desk, and a large bathroom...and comfy beds. We were only there two nights, but I this would be a very comfortable place to stay for the duration of the ivf process (10 days - 2 weeks). Here are some details:

-breakfast included, 7 days a week
-dinner included on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights
-small swimming pool and exercise facility
-about 10-15 minutes from CCRM
-plenty of stores/restaurants near by
-CCRM rate is $79.00 a night

Staybridge Suites
Phone: 303-858-9990
7150 S. Clinton St.
Englewood, CO

11 - What we've learned so far - (April 2005-June 2008)

2008-06-14T15:45:00.001-07:00

Here are some of the important things we've learned in this process so far:

1) LEARN, LEARN, LEARN as much as you can about infertility and the IVF process. This is why I knew I needed Day 3 blood work and questioned that it wasn't checked off on my IVF work-up sheet. It is also why I insisted on having an antibiotic prior to my HSG exam.

2) ASK MANY, MANY QUESTIONS. We asked a lot, but I wish we had asked more. I wish we had asked more about the insemination (if this is an appropriate step when the issue appears to be the sperm morphology). Also ask a lot of questions about the costs - insist on having detailed cost statements printed up front.

3) IF THE ISSUE IS SPERM MORPHOLOGY, INSEMINATION IS NOT A PRACTICAL SOLUTION...YOU MAY WANT TO TRY IVF RIGHT AWAY. I read this online, and then our doctor at CCRM confirmed it. Basically, we wasted $2,000 on our insemination. Ouch.

4) IF THE DOCTOR REQUESTS THAT YOU GET A SONOHYSTOGRAM, INSIST ON A HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG)instead. The cost is the same, the hysterosalpingogram is more accurate...and it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as many of the horror stories claim. Just take 800mg of motrin 1 hour prior to the procedure and insist on an antibiotic (doxycycline).

5) SEE WHICH PROCEDURES/TESTS CAN BE COMPLETE THROUGH YOUR OB/GYN OR GENERAL PRACTIONER'S OFFICE. There is a much greater chance of insurance covering some of the costs when it is through these offices instead of the fertility clinic. Some clinics, however, require that a lot of the tests are performed in their office. Check with the clinic you are working with.

This is a summary of what we've learned so far. The rest of the posts on this blog will be current. We leave for Colorado on Tuesday, June 17th and our ivf work-up on June 18th.

10 - Background - More prep before trip to CCRM (May/June 2008)

2008-06-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

Once the HSG was complete, I only had a few more blood tests to complete here in Michigan before heading out to Colorado for our ivf work-up scheduled on June 12th, 2008. Again, I had these completed through my ob/gyn (my husband had his completed through his primary physician)...and, again, the costs of these test were covered through our insurance. CCRM sent a sheet indicating the tests that needed to be completed prior to going to Colorado and Day 3 testing wasn't checked off. I knew this was an important hormone test, so I called them and asked if I indeed needed the Day 3 testing. They said "yes" - I'm glad I checked. I ordered a very convenient blood shipping kit through the lab that works with CCRM ($70) and waited for my cycle to start.

And waited...and waited...and waited...the one month that I really needed my period to start on time, it was four days late, arriving June 9th. It needed to arrive by June 8th for us to keep our original June 12th appointment...the one day ivf work-up must be completed between cycle days 5-13....based on my June 9th start, June 12th would have been Day 4 of my cycle. This was my first indication that our lives and schedule will be truly controlled by this infertility beast for the next couple of months. So I called CCRM on June 9th and rearrange our work-up for June 18th. They then sent (via email) a specific schedule for the day - starting at 8:30AM ending at 3:30PM. It felt good to finally be done with the logistics on this end prior to heading to Colorado.

9 - Background - Sonohystogram vs. Hysterosalpingogram

2008-06-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

In the fall of 2007, once we decided to go forward with our first insemination, I had a sonohystogram done. This was a prerequisite to the insemination - they needed to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. The sonohystogram is supposedly much less painful than its counterpart, the hysterosalpingogram (HSG), however, it is also considered less accurate. Both exams cost about the same - around $600-$900. WORD OF ADVICE: if you need to get one of these exams, insist they perform the HSG instead of the sonohystogram. Because the HSG is so accurate, there will not be a need for the sonohystogram. However, if you only have the sonohystogram and you continue to have problems (or switch clinics like we did), they will probably insist on a HSG. The sonohystogram is performed by injecting saline; the HSG uses iodine.

I needed to complete the HSG prior to heading to Colorado for our one day IVF work-up. I went through my ob/gyn with the hope that insurance would cover it - it did. The HSG needed to be scheduled on cycle days 7, 8, or 9. I tentatively had mine scheduled for day 7...then, of course, my period was a day late. I called to see if I could have the test on day 6 - I could as long as I wasn't actually bleeding on day 6.

Despite the horror stories, my HSG exam was painless. I was really scared and informed the radiologist of my fears. The exam was performed at the imaging center at the hospital. They basically numbed the cervix, pushed a catheter through the cervix, and pushed the iodine through the catheter into the uterus and fallopian tubes. I didn't feel any pain, but I did take 800mg of Motrin about 1 hour prior to the procedure. I also took an antibiotic - doxycycline (just 2 pills). My ob/gyn was reluctant to give it to me, but everything I read said that it should be taken as a precaution, so I insisted. No pain or cramping after the HSG; just a lot of bleeding that evening. The hospital said they would get the results to my ob/gyn within a couple of days. Well, about 10 days passed (I was calling every other day) and my ob/gyn still hadn't received the results. I called the hospital and, sure enough, the results were never sent. The hospital faxed the results to my doc that day and two days later she called with the results - everything was fine. I picked up a copy of the report and the actual film to take with me to Colorado.

8 - Background - Phone Consultation with CCRM

2008-06-10T16:03:00.001-07:00

The phone consultation was set up for 4:30PM on April 24th. My husband was home and so we both had the opportunity to speak with the man who would eventually be our doctor - Dr. Surrey. He had all of our previous records in front of him as we spoke, so he was already well aware of our infertility history. He basically said that based on the information he had in front of him, not only would we be candidates for IVF, but we would actually be candidates for ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). ICSI is where they pick a quality sperm and inject it into the egg - it is commonly used when sperm morphology is an issue. After answering a few of our questions and we agreed that we would like to pursue treatment through CCRM, he transferred us to someone who would set up our 1 day IVF work-up. We would have to go out to Colorado for a full day of testing (some new tests, some tests that we already did, but they wanted to do them again). This would be much more testing than the University of Michigan ever required, but CCRM claims that this is one of the reasons that their rates are so good. So we then set up a tentative date based on my current cycle - Thursday, June 12th would be our one day work-up. We had a couple of tests that we would try to get done here - the hysterosalpingogram and some blood work.

About three days after our phone consultation, we received a big packet of info - our ivf workout sheet, hotels in the area, consent forms to sign, who our assigned nurse would be, etc., etc.. I noticed that "Day 3 Blood Draw" wasn't checked off. I knew that this we an important test, so I called to see if that was just a mistake. It was. I did need to have Day 3 blood drawn. I'm glad I called because day 3 would occur while we were in Michigan - if I missed it, it would have delayed our whole process an entire month.

7 - Background - Feb/March/April 2008

2008-06-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

Although it wasn't in the original plan, we considered doing another insemination in February. However, with this insemination the sperm would have had to have been frozen (because of my husband's schedule). The doctor informed me that the rate for success does decrease when the sperm used for the insemination has been frozen, so we opted to just try naturally in February.

By end of February, we realized that the situation would have to be similar in March - we would have to use frozen sperm again which we really didn't want to do because of a decreased chance of success. Right around this same time, a close friend of my informed me that she knew some people who had great success out at a reproductive center in Colorado. She said she had heard that this place was ranked #1in the country for infertility treatments. I did some of my own research and confirmed that this was true. There was a great write up in Parents magazine (in addition to statistics on the CDC website):

http://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/fertility/treatments/10-best-fertility-centers/

The place was the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine or CCRM, located in Lone Tree, Colorado (just outside of (Denver). Not only did I find positive information about CCRM, but I also found out (through research and word of mouth) that the University of Michigan has below average success rates. I actually had the opportunity to speak with a woman who went through IVF at CCRM (after several failed attempts though a couple of places) with much success (twins!). My husband and I discussed it and decided that since we would be spending so much money in the process, we would go to the #1 place. I made a phone call to CCRM the next day to set up a phone consultation for April 24th, 2008. If you are out-of-state they will give you a 1/2 phone consultation for free. Once we set up the phone consultation, they sent us a ton of paperwork to be filled out and sent back prior to the consultation. We were also required to send the results of all of our previous testing and fertility treatments.

6 - Background - Insemination results (Dec 2007)

2008-06-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

Result of the iui - a big fat negative. We were surprised at the time, but since then I have done a lot more researched and have realized that the iui actually only increases your chances for conception by 5% (5% more than trying naturally). It ended up costing about $2,000. WARNING: the price sheet we were given stated it would cost around $1,000, but there were a TON of other costs that weren't really explained to us. For example, they gave us a quote on the premise that we weren't going to be using medication. Without medication, you don't need an ultrasound the day before - you just do the at home ovulation testing, wait for a positive result, then call the clinic to schedule the insemination the next day. With mediation, they want to see how many eggs will be releasing. They never gave us a new quote with the ultrasound. Granted, we never asked either. My advice is to consistently go through all the processes with a fine comb and constantly ask questions - this is serious stuff and serious money.

So now the decision was what next? My husband was starting training for a new job from January through March (2008), so we knew our next chance for another procedure would be in late March. At this point, we spent a lot of time deciding if we wanted to pursue adoption or reproductive procedures - we didn't have the money to pursue both simultaneously. We had decided that we would try two more inseminations (in March and April) then reevaluate.

5 - Background - Actual Insemination (Dec 2007)

2008-06-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

The actual intrauterine insemination, which took place on the morning of Dec. 8th, was pretty painless. My husband gave his sample about two hours prior to the insemination. They cleaned and sorted the sample, then handed us a piece of paper with a bunch on numbers and percentages on it. All I know is that they said the sample "looked great". That comment, along with yesterday's prediction of possibly four eggs releasing, gave us great hope.

The insemination was a little more painful than the sonohystogram. I was surprised because I had read that the insemination was usually much less painful than the sonohystogram. I then remembered that I took 600mg prior to the sonohystogram and nothing with the insemination. After we varified that they had the right sample, they simply put the sample in the catheter and inserted the catheter through my cervix...the idea being that the sperm were being given some extra help. I then laid on the table for about 15 minutes and thought baby thoughts. My husband was allowed to be in the room with me through this whole process.

Later that day I felt some strong cramping, but more in my ovaries as opposed to in my uterus. This was normal and was probably a result of multiple mature eggs being released.

Next step - wait game for two weeks.

4 - Background - Insemination Prep (Dec 2007)

2008-06-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

On December 8th, 2007 we had an intrauterine insemination (iui) at the University of Michigan Reproductive Center. When I started my period (Day 1) two weeks prior, I called the clinic and discussed with my doctor if I should go on a fertility medication to increase my egg production prior to the insemination. She basically said it was my call - I could or I could try up to three iui cycles on my own and then use a fertility drug for future iui tries. My mind could not even contemplate more then three iui cycles, so I opted to go on the medication for the first cycle. She put me on a drug called Femara - the traditional drug for this process is actually Clomid. So I did some research to find out why she put me on Femara instead. Femara is traditionally used as a drug to treat breast cancer and has not yet been approved as a fertility drug, therefore, it IS covered by insurance (Clomid usually isn't and is quite expensive). Although the science behind how it works is different, the end result is the same - more eggs are produced and hopefully released. I took the drug for 5 days - Day 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 of my cycle. I felt a little sick while I was taking it - nausea, headache, and fatigue - nothing unbearable. I started ovulation testing at home (Clear Blue Easy tests) on Day 11 and went in for an ultrasound on Day 13...no positive ovulation test yet. Per the ultrasound, I responded well to the Femara and it looked like 4 eggs could possible release. They gave me a pretty painless shot in the stomach on Day 13 of a hormone that would release the egg with 36 hours and we scheduled the actual insemination for the next day.